Nora Bows For My Nora

 

 

This stuff is all I took pictures of today... my camera battery died shortly after taking these pics, so I didn't take any pics of anything fun today... except these bows made me happy, because they are Nora Bows for MY Nora. Her hair is getting so long now that it really needs to be up in pigtails or it gets gunky on the ends. And although I spend hours in my "secret lab" every week making bows for everyone else on planet Earth :) I rarely actually have the time (or make the time I guess) to do some for my own family. So I put everything else aside this afternoon and just made pigtail bows for Nora and I loved how they turned out (there are actually about 4 other pairs too but no one wants to see THAT many pictures of bows!)! I'm itching to share them on my Facebook "fan" page, but need to moderate myself so as not to get deleted from too many people's lists! I'm sure that no one else finds these bows nearly as fascinating as I do! But I love stripes and think they are really pretty. :) And this is MY blog and I can feel free to post what I like- especially since I don't really have a whole lot else to talk about tonight.

Except that Carolyn is going through an unusually affectionate and sweet stage lately (ironically it coincides with a period of renewed intensity of willfulness and difficulty as well!)- and I am EATING IT UP. Several times today she just came up to me unprompted to tell me how much she loves me and how I'm "the best mommy." I need to stash all that sweetness up to pull out the more difficult moments of the day! She is a precious thing.

Picassos Pequenos

Today was another Monday- another "work day" for me- and I'm sure no one wants to see any more bow pictures (ha!) so I dug these pics from the other night out of my stash. I am fully aware that a bit of editing (even the highly amateur editing I do to my photos) would make them infinitely better... but I don't feel like messing with it, so I won't.

The other night we got out some paints and some cheap plastic palettes I bought at Hobby Lobby and let the girls do some painting after dinner. Like most messy things, the fun didn't last as long as the cleanup did... but they had a lovely time while it lasted. :)

 Nora's getting into that "make a weird face for the camera" phase.

Carolyn always seems to be very happy when she is using her imagination and her hands to create. She loves art! I'm excited to see how her artistry develops the older she gets because she loves it so much. :)

 Nora had a ball smearing all the different paint colors together to make a delicious mess.

 I love Carolyn's look of concentration as she holds her paintbrush. :)

Ponytail

I pulled Nora's hair into a ponytail this afternoon- doesn't she look like a BIG GIRL with her hair back like that?! She is growing up so fast. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. Just in the last couple weeks, her play has become so much more sophisticated and she and Carolyn are really beginning to become friends and playmates. I'm so happy that they have each other. It is fun to see the dynamic continue to develop between them. My sisters are such a blessing to me! I am so glad that they each have one of God's greatest gifts- a sister!

Harry Potter Night

Today was a good day. :) This morning I got up early and FINALLY caught myself up on most of my huge first-week influx of bow orders. I just have a couple more stragglers to get through from that first week and then I'm back on track to a decent turnaround time. I've found that one of the secrets to having maximum in enjoyment in what I'm doing is simply to not be in a hurry about doing it! A few orders every day are better for me than 30 in the space of 3 days! Not that I'm complaining- it's a great blessing that my business is actually working!- but it is hard to figure out the balance when I'm so busy. And when it's a little more steady than "spurty," I enjoy myself so much more- and I have time to actually be creative with my work! :) So I'm looking forward to doing my stuff for the love of it and not because I feel cramped about it. :) 

My sister Michelle came up for most of the day and we went to Kasey's house- in the rain- to keep our original photo session date for some cousin pictures. Kasey was kind enough to let us come even when everyone else got rained out because Michelle came from out of town! And we did get some really cute shots, too. But I was glad we went just me and the girls earlier in the week; they would have had a hard time being "good" for 2 mini-session spots in a row (Elliot's and "the cousins')

Shelly and I went out for lunch and did a little shopping at the mall- have to use those Gymbucks. :) I got some cute things for the girls for warmer weather- I loved their strawberry line this year and it was on a great sale, plus the Gymbucks- so Nora will be wearing strawberries all summer. :) Good thing I can make cute hair clips to go with it! I found a few things for Carolyn too- though she's much harder to please with clothes! All she wants to wear are dresses and the only pants that are desirable these days are either pink or purple. I made her wear black pants today for the pictures and she was not happy- but after she realized that I was serious about making her wear them, she looked at me and said, "Well, I can pretend that the black is blue!" Cute. :)

Potty training was better today too- Nora was dry and clean ALL DAY LONG- and putting her jammies on backwards worked to keep her clothes on for the night, so that was good. :)

And NOW, it's the long-awaited Harry Potter Night! My other sister Laura came for dinner, wearing her "Prefect"'s badge (borrowed from a friend- I totally want one!)

I tried to make themed food for the night. We drank "butterbeer" (not me- ugh!), and "pumpkin juice" (orange Gatorade for me and the girls), and as soon as I am finished with this blog we will have "pumpkin pasty" (aka pumpkin pie :)) for dessert- and for dinner we had an improvised Shepherd's Pie as an "English" sort of dish- recipe courtesy of my housemate from college who's from the UK. 

Carolyn was not enthusiastic about the dinner choice. Having once been a picky child (and still being a picky adult! You might notice the shepherd's pie has no cheese on top :))- I understood exactly how she felt when she looked at something that appeared to have such a mushy texture (though it really wasn't mushy or I wouldn't have liked it :))- but  being an evil mother, I decided to take a picture anyway. :)

 Nora made faces too, but hers were (slightly) cuter. :)

 And now my blog is done. I have completed almost a full week of blogging daily about my life- and now I remember why I enjoyed blogging when I was disciplined enough to do it every day whether I felt like it or not! So here's to blogs! And Harry Potter! And Pumpkin Pasty! 

The Potty and the Park

I don't have a whole lot to say tonight. No profound thoughts. I feel like my day has been dominated by potty training! Every hour, Nora needs to be taken to the potty, or she has an accident. She does not regulate this herself and depends entirely on me to get her there. I know that she is young yet, and will grow to have the maturity to handle it herself... but there are times I think diapers would be easier! But of course, we've set the course and now we'll stay on it... and she IS getting it. She now gets to the potty for #2 about 80% of the time, which is a huge bonus. :) And she CAN stay dry all day long if I remember to get her to the potty on time! So that is something.

And here are some pictures I took at the park the other day when we had a really nice day. :)

It's nice to be taking pictures again- I think maybe I will look back on the last several months and wonder where all the pictures are! And my girls really are exceptionally lovely, if I do say so myself. :)

 I love this picture because it is such a natural expression for Carolyn- and her hair always looks so cute when it's a little windswept. :)

 Nora has decided she likes slides and is happy to do them independently now. :) She also likes the bubble container I got her at Target the other day. She carried that thing around all over the playground!

 Doesn't Carolyn look like such a BIG girl now?

I like this pic because of the look of concentration on Nora's face!

Joy

 I love these pictures. We had a great photo session with my friend Kasey at POSH Photography today. It was sort of impromptu because we had planned to do it on Saturday when my nephew Elliot would be able to come along, but the weather is supposed to be lousy on Saturday and so we thought we'd better take a chance now. We'll still try and do it Saturday if we can.

I love these pictures, partly because I am so rarely actually in pictures of my girls, and partly because Kasey somehow captured exactly what I was hoping to see in these pictures- JOY. I wanted some pictures of me with the girls to remind me of my promise to myself to reclaim my joy in motherhood. I love them because they speak to me of the special bond I have with each of these two precious little ones, and they are a still frame of life as we know it right now, and a reminder that that life- is pretty darn good. :)

There are more great pictures- you should check out Kasey's Facebook page to see them- and if you are local to the Grand Rapids area, sign up for a session tomorrow or Saturday for your own duckling pics! :)

Reasons

So, this week I found out about at least two friends who are pregnant, it seems that everywhere I look women with children my kids' age and younger are once again blooming with the spring, and I have had occasion lately to be around people who are simply "difficult" for me to be around- not for any fault of their own- but simply because through simply being born with more adeptness at reproduction, they have never known what it is to deeply desire a chid and yet be completely unable to control, plan, or even really impact the process. I find myself dreading the company of these individuals because I simply resent the ease with which they conceive- they might know other pains and suffer grievously in other ways- but they do not suffer in THIS way- and it sometimes seems they taunt me with their fertility and the fullness of their wombs stands in stark contrast with the emptiness of my own.

So I thought that this would be a good time to remind myself of the list of reasons I made last week when I was a mopey puddle of tears on my couch- reasons why we have decided to take a break, and cease trying to get pregnant, at least for now. They are good reasons, and reasons I must hold on to while the waves of hormonal insanity and irrational jealousy threaten to overtake me.

1. I am emotionally exhausted from the constant strain of pushing with all I have against a door that I cannot open.

2. This pursuit has dominated the last almost-year of my life. It has been nearly a whole year since the only "surprise" pregnancy I am likely to have- surprise both because of the timing (I was still nursing Nora)- and the location- no one thought I would have an ectopic pregnancy as I have no risk factors for one! I never really got a chance to enjoy being a family of four with the"door open" to a fifth member because so quickly I had this big issue and immediately felt as though I needed to be pregnant again in order to find redemption for my loss and relief for my fears of infertility... Nine cycles later...

3. I am tired of allowing one of the biggest focuses in my life to be something I feel I am failing at. This raises so many "identity issues" that it has thrown other things in my life out of balance as I search desperately for something that doesn't make me feel like a failure. I've made thousands of bows in the last year- and made them well, if I do say so myself- but the drive to do it has been in some ways fueled by the fear that I am not enough if I am not successful. I am tired of allowing my life to be defined by failure.

4.  If (as seems likely), there are medical problems that may be fixable, they will keep for a few months. They will be no less treatable in a few months than they are now, but I will hopefully be in a better place to deal with the stress of asking the questions and getting the answers and treatment that may be needed.

5. If we are going to embark on the road of infertility investigation and treatment, I would like to face it from a place of emotional readiness and peace than in the emotionally exhausted state I find myself in right now. I tried one cycle of Clomid last month, and it made me crazy- plus the disappointment when it didn't work was SO much worse than it had been when we did nothing to impact the process.

6. I would like to enjoy this summer with my girls without dragging around a constant weight of failure.

7. I need to reclaim the joy of motherhood- to remember and restore the wonder I once found in the every day with my girls, but that has gotten lost in the pursuit of another baby.

So, the plan for now, is to, insofar as I am able, NOT try to have a baby. To really try to focus on emotional rest, wholeness, and peace this summer. To consciously try to regain that joy and to do everything I can (including blogging!) to capture the wonder of the moment and the blessedness of this season with THESE girls. I do not think that in the end, I will be able to not explore the answers that may be out there. We have every intention of asking the questions about why we have not yet been able to conceive, though we've had many opportunities over the past nine months. But we will ask them in September, and we will ask them at the local REI (reproductive endocrinology and infertility) specialist's office on town, and we will do whatever they instruct us to do. And hopefully, in the end, we will have another sweet little one to love and enjoy. But for this summer, I know that is not supposed to be the focus. And so I have to somehow figure out how to get my mind to rest! Good luck with that... I'm not sure I've ever been able to do that!! But I will try... and hopefully I will not utterly fail in this attempt!