A New Blog

Hello friends! I have been thinking about my blogging, and I've decided that I really miss having an "audience." I know it's been hard for some people to get onto my blog with the password protection, and while I like the privacy of being able to be sure exactly who is reading my blog- I miss feeling connected to a wider world. So I have decided for 2012 to move into a new blog. You will find us at Our Small Life, the blog. It's a Wordpress blog instead of Blogger, so I've got a bit of a learning curve to figure out how to make it do what I want it to do. But I'm excited about having a site where I can direct friends and family for updates about our life. Because the new blog is not password protected, I won't be sharing real names or specific location identifying information- but of course if you know who we are, you'll figure it out. :) I'm hoping this will be a good balance between protecting the privacy of my family and at the same time having a venue in which I enjoy writing and posting pictures because that's how we keep track of our family's history!

So anyway, join me on Our Small Life! It's going to be a great blog. :)

Classroom Party Day [plus coping]

Today was a CRAZY day! Started with an early morning work session for me to get last minute things finished up before I shut my shop down for about 6 weeks. Then we had a birthday party for a friend, from which I had to be excused early to go to school for "playground duty," leaving the girls at the party, hoping that Brad would be able to pick them up after he finished waiting for my car to be done with its scheduled maintenance, which took longer than expected, so I had to turn around after playground time was over, pick up  Carolyn from the party, bring her back to school (late) for her classroom party, which I was supposed to be assisting with as one of the classroom moms. I was totally unglued by the time I got there! It's entirely possible that after the strain of the past few days and weeks, I broke down crying at my 5-year-old's Christmas party over not being able to find the teacher's gift that I'd carefully stowed in the backpack and somehow dropped in the hall. I feel so close to tears so much of the time right now that it really doesn't take much to set me off. 

But despite my emotional fragility, I think the kids still had fun at the party, and I did, too. I'm glad that I get to be one of the "room mom," even though I'm not really very good at being organized and getting things done- I really enjoy getting to "be there" for the events and be a part of Carolyn's "school life." :)

 The kids made snowman cupcakes (a la Pinterest)

And here are the girls in Carolyn's class. She has a wonderful little group of four boys and four girls in her pre-K class, and the setup is just perfect. :)

Now, if you want to read the part of this post I wrote as a way of coping, read on. If not, I'll understand- my inner monologue hasn't been a very upbeat place to be recently.

I'm pretty whooped now, and feeling very ready to shut the door to my craft room for awhile after how busy I have been in there for the past couple of months. I need to relearn (if I ever did know) what it means to have some "white space" in my life. To be honest, I think I've been afraid of the white space because I just don't want to deal with the thoughts that are there whenever there isn't something else screaming for my attention. It's a lot easier to just lose myself in making bows and making people like them than it is to acknowledge the struggle that's going on in my own heart, to do the wrestling with God and seeking Him that I really need to do if I'm going to somehow find sanity on this journey we're on. 

I've been having a little bit of a crisis recently and just really having a hard time, especially since the announcements of several friends all at once (if some of you are reading this, please do not take this personally; I'm sorry I'm so weak that I can't just put my own struggles aside- but I am trying). Not that it's really any more fun when they come one at a time... it pretty much all sucks. I really wish I could just be purely happy and joyful for these dear ones... but I'm having a hard time with it right now; I just feel left behind; not even jealous- just forgotten by God, baffled as to why I'm stuck on this road, and lonely- like everybody else is getting to walk through this door that is steadfastly locked in front of me. I'm trying to choose joy, but it's an uphill battle, and I've really just felt attacked and down lately. That's unfortunate, because being consumed with the struggle and the continual distraction of being busy to try to cover up how much I'm really dealing with, makes me "miss" what has always been my favorite time of year.

All this has just been hitting a crux point with me lately, and I have decided to get some professional help. I made an appointment today with a Christian therapist because I have concluded that I need somebody in my life that won't be emotionally affected  by what I'm dealing with- in real life everyone is so interconnected, and I know that my struggles impact others- I hate that I have to be the one everyone dreads telling- because I'm so emotionally vulnerable and they just don't want to cause me pain. I wish I were different, stronger, better. I feel so trapped in this place, just when I thought I was finally beginning to climb out of the hole and get to a better place of peace... I feel like I'm back in, deeper than ever. It's so discouraging to see the weakness in myself. I really want to be better. I'm hoping that maybe having someone to talk to who's trained in teaching coping skills will help. 

Sorry for being a bit of a downer lately- I just don't feel like I want to write fluffy happy things when that's not totally honest- there are lots of happy and wonderful moments, but this is there, too. And the writing does help me to sort through my emotions... but I'll try to come up with a more upbeat post tomorrow!

An Epoch

As Anne Shirley once described a concert she attended as a young girl, this weekend was an "Epoch" in Carolyn's little life. We went to Chicago and brought her to the Joffrey Ballet's production of the Nutcracker!

 Nora isn't quite big enough to enjoy a long performance like that, so she stayed with Aunt Michelle and Uncle Bryan and took a 3 hour nap. :)

 Waiting for the show to start. I took Carolyn down to the front to see the instruments warming up. This is something I remember my mom doing with me. It was always fun to see all the different things and then hear the instruments in the music.

 At intermission, Carolyn wanted to do some dancing of her own.

 I had a special surprise for her for intermission- her own Clara and Nutcracker dolls!

 And the best surprise of all was after the performance! Some family friends have a lot of connections at the ballet company, and they arranged for us to be able to actually MEET a Real ballerina! We didn't tell Carolyn about it beforehand but let her be surprised when we got to open the backstage door and there was "Miss Caitlyn," one of the beautiful ballerinas! Carolyn was shocked speechless- her eyes were SO wide. She was so excited to meet Miss Caitlyn!

 And Miss Caitlyn had a surprise for Carolyn- a pair of pointe shoes worn in a performance and autographed by all of the members of the company! Carolyn didn't want to wait even a minute before changing out her footwear in the car.

 She was so excited to try them out!

After a couple of falls, we advised her that these shoes are really more for something special to look at rather than wear... so she lovingly hung them on her wall where she can see them all the time.

It was so fun to be able to give Carolyn such a great day. It was one of those rare occasions when all the pieces fall into place just perfectly and the real thing is even better than you imagined it would be. :)

Perspective

Sometimes when I get all caught up in the frustration of the struggles we are currently having... it's easy to throw myself a pity party. The resounding "no" we got (again) last week is still bothering me; sometimes it seems like I can move on pretty quickly, and then other times for whatever reason it kind of sticks with me. For some reason I just feel like I've wanted to fixate on my failure and be angry about it. But I really don't want to be that kind of a person. I don't want to live in bitterness and resentment and anger. I don't want my kids raised in that kind of environment. I want to be better than that- even if my circumstances never do change.

 I can relate in a way I never have before with Paul's struggle with the "thorn in the flesh" (see 2 Corinthians 12 if you are unfamiliar with the term)- he too pleaded with God to have this thing removed from his life, and God told him no, too. He said "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." I'm not really with Paul, yet, about "boasting" in this weakness- this infirmity in my body- but I am finding comfort in the thought that His grace is indeed sufficient, even when I feel like it isn't.

In my Bible study reading this morning I read the chapter on greed- the author was mostly talking about the love of money and the accumulation of "things." But when I read it, all I could think about was how what consumes me is not the desire for material possessions- it's this all-engrossing desire for a larger family than we have been given at this time- really, it's the procreative potential that I feel has been "stolen" from me that I want back- I think I could even wait rather a long time for another mouth to feed- if only I knew that we were capable and at some point it would happen. It seems less wrong when you're not coveting "stuff" but dreaming and waiting and longing for more people to love- but it is still a contentment stealer to be consumed with desire for something that is not yours. I can definitely attest to that! When I am fixated on what I don't have- when I look in the backseat of my minivan and see only the empty seats where I wish there were little car carriers filled with little cooing cherubs (lol)- I miss the fact that there are two very full seats back there- full of life and love and laughter. I am learning to be more grateful, more aware of the richness of the blessing we have in our two daughters- in a way the lack of that much-desired third child has forced me to realize afresh even in my tears and sadness what a true miracle they really are.

A couple of other things have happened this week that remind me that it's worth the effort to try to live in contentment instead of covetousness. Yesterday a mother in our area lost both of her children (16 and 13) in the same car wreck- a truly awful, worst-nightmare type of situation. A friend of mine is in the hospital with problems that are baffling the doctors, and another friend is spending her second Christmas with treatment for her son's leukemia as part of her holiday schedule. In the grand scheme of things, what we are going through does not even register on the tragedy scale. It seems big and awful and frustrating and sad and never-ending to me- but really, it's not. And I have so much to be thankful for and to celebrate and live and be.

I wish that God would take this "thorn in my flesh" away from me- either enable us to have another child or simply take the desire away from me so that I could live without the pain of being unable to conceive, without the wrenching in my heart every time someone around me has an "oops" and doesn't even recognize the incredible miracle that happened. But He hasn't. I wrestle with how a God who has good plans for my life could intend for this season to be part of the story- I don't understand why He says "No." I want to yell and scream about it sometimes. But the bottom line is that I don't want to look back 10 years from now and feel like I missed the life I have in the pursuit of the life I thought I needed. I don't want to become a miserable shrew. I want to be better, not bitter, because of the road I've traveled.

Sometimes, like this week, it's hard to pick up the pieces and move on, choosing to allow the pain to strengthen me, refine me- when I'd really rather just withdraw inside myself and not even try anymore because it feels like my personal growth in this season has been inch by painstaking inch rather than an obviously upward climb. I feel like I have so far to go before contentment can become a way of life for me rather than a deliberate choice. I want to be "bigger" but I am- as Nora says sometimes "Still 'Wittle!" (little). I wish I had more answers to satisfy my many questions, but I don't. I suppose this is just part of life- that you have to live it- you don't just get to read about it and "get it" by proxy- and maybe, the best learned lessons are maybe the ones that cost the most.

"Plan"

Ugh... I hate "plan day." That's the fun day when you call the office and tell them you're definitely not pregnant and then they call you back and tell you what to do about it... have to admit, I'm feeling tired of the whole song and dance- and maybe a little sour- and struggling a bit with a bad attitude about everything. I know it's better for me to have a good attitude, a positive outlook, and a grateful hear- and I really am trying- but sometimes I'm as human as everyone else- and seriously, if I hear about ONE more "accidental" pregnancy I may just blow my top! I feel so discouraged and sad that this seems to be happening all around me to EVERYONE! I have such a hard time with it when it happens unintentionally to people who didn't even have a chance to desire a baby- whereas for months and months and months I've been yearning for this blessing and I keep getting passed up. :( It makes me sad, and sometimes I feel a little hopeless that it will ever change. Not every day, not every minute, but sometimes. :( Especially on "plan day," with the prospect of taking more medication that probably won't work... sigh... it's just one of those days today.

Here's this month's plan (for posterity's sake and because maybe someday I will want to remember the  minutiae of this season of our life which will, please God, be over sometime SOON!)
-Clomid day 3-7 (if I yell at you sometime in the next 2 weeks, that'll be why; it makes my "fuse" incredibly short!)
-Ovidrel (hcg injection) day 13
-Prometrium day 18-28
-test day 28
-Surgery (laparoscopy) scheduled for Friday, January 13.

The doctor is hopeful that the surgery will help us see what caused the ectopic in the first place and may hopefully reveal some fixable structural problem inside my body that is keeping us from being able to conceive. I would so appreciate your prayers as we go into this procedure, that something will be fixable, and that our insurance will decide to cover the procedure!

Christmas Program

 The girls were in our church's Sunday School Christmas program tonight. The video quality is pretty poor and you'll probably notice my iPhone making its way into the picture because I was FaceTiming my mom during the program so she could see it at the same time as I was trying to videotape it!! Technology=amazing. While it was totally hectic trying to get both girls dressed, reasonably clean, fed, and unloaded in the right places by myself (if you saw the harried totally weirdly dressed, haggard woman running in the door ten minutes late begging friends to help get the girls where they needed to go... it was totally me... and so was the frantic seeker of car keys left on the nursery counter after the program was over!) Brad was off delivering babies today and we missed him, but it was still so fun to see them both up there- big enough to both be in the program this time! And don't they look beautiful?!

 I'm so glad I got those dresses on a whim, and also that I made them matching hair accessories that will probably not last another day with the way that we destroy things around here... they looked adorable! Unfortunately the light was not right with the camera and there were a lot of other families hankering for  for the space around the Christmas tree for pictures.

I tried again with a lovely background of wires and two sticky-fingered, candy-cane-eating girls... but the light still wasn't great- I just wasn't being very careful with my flash. Still, who cares, I'm no professional! :)

My friend Jenny and I think that we may someday be showing these pictures at the wedding of our children. ;) Collin is Nora's first "best friend" and they LOVE each other. We were so geeked when we realized they'd be wearing coordinating outfits for the program tonight.

They really are such sweet little friends- born just 5 days apart- and both the shortest kids their age in the Sunday School. They'll be the perfect prom dates. :) 

I've been really thankful for my friends lately. While I don't love that I'm dealing with this infertility struggle, I am grateful that God has placed special people in my life to hold me up and to be my friends during this time. It means so much to me to have people in my life that can understand and really be there with me. I don't get why people who are wonderful moms and dads, great Christians, and all-around good people struggle to conceive, while it seems everywhere babies are conceived with ease by mothers who don't even really want them. I wish that I  didn't know so many people who share the same heartache that I do... but I'm thankful for my companions on the road, and pray that one day we can all share the joy of new life together. As I was talking with a couple of friends the other day, I thought about their stories, and their journeys, and why God has not allowed these dear friends to conceive another child either, and wondered if perhaps God in His infinite wisdom would know how much I would need them- others in whom to confide, people who truly understand what it is to cry out to God when it feels like there's this "wall" there. People who know how it feels to pick up the pieces and move on every time, growing stronger, perhaps, but still crushing down in moments of weakness at the unfathomable mysteries of the providence of God. I still have so many more questions than answers and still feel just tired of the struggle and weary of the pain of unfulfilled longings- but I am more grateful now than ever for dear friends with whom the burden can become just a little lighter.

Snowman Cupcakes

I "Pinned" this idea this week. 

It was supposed to look like this:

Ours didn't turn out quite like that... they got a little squished...

 But some of them really did turn out cute like the picture! 

 We made a terrific mess. 

But it felt really good to see an idea, get the stuff to do it, and actually ACCOMPLISH it! :)

I've been thinking about success lately... about how so much of my experience in life, whether discouraging or otherwise, depends on how I define success. I have a friend who is someone I think of frequently when I think of a person who has been successful at defining reachable expectations for herself- reaching just a little beyond where she is into a bit of what she can become- and seeing herself succeed in getting there bit by bit. I tend to see fantastic possibilities for myself that I could never really quite attain... and consequently fall short a lot and really, despite the fact that I accomplish a lot in each day, I often end the day feeling discouraged that I didn't do more. I want to be more like my friend Katie- bite off closer to the amount I can actually chew, celebrate the successes and try to modulate my visionary nature! Good luck... it's pretty hard to turn that off... but I can try! :)

Fancy

Our house is Fancy for the first time this year! :) After 9 Christmases without external incandescent signs of festivity, Brad put lights on the trees out front this year! 10th time was the charm, I guess. :) Or maybe it's just the amount of "Fancy Nancy" we've been reading lately.

We are trying to take as many opportunities as possible to enjoy each other and the holiday season this year- with the crazy busy schedules we all have, it's harder than you'd think- but so important to be making memories together.

The past week has been a challenging one for me with yet another disappointment (coupled with happy announcements from at least four people that I know this week... as happy as I am for them, I can't help but feel all the more "broken" when it seems like I'm again the last one picked for the team, rejected once again, despite many anguished requests to be chosen), but I'm trying to again pick up the pieces, remember how much I have to be grateful for, and continue to ask God to give me peace and heal my hurting heart. I don't really feel like writing about it right now, don't want to cry about it any more today, and just want to go to bed and wake up more cheerful tomorrow. But I appreciate your prayers and support during this season. I know tomorrow is a new day, and I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. And I'm thankful for the happy faces of bright, innocent childhood that greet me each day with hugs and kisses and more love than I could ever begin to deserve.

The Tree

As we were driving down the road to the tree farm, I thought about how only in Michigan will it be in the mid 30s with some sort of undefined but very wet precipitation falling from the sky, and you will still see car after car loaded with freshly cut Christmas trees. We weren't the only family to brave the nasty weather to get our fresh Christmas tree. The kids actually did better than I anticipated they would. 

 Nora looked so cute with her hat over her eyes.

 Here's an early front-runner that turned out to have a curved trunk, so we ended up with a different tree.

 Silly picture.

 Smelling the trees. We read a lot of Fancy Nancy's "Splendiferous Christmas" around here, so Carolyn kept checking to see if the trees had "aroma."

 Cute Girl #2.

 Cute Girl #1- hair getting so long these days! She says she wants it to be like Rapunzel's. :)

 Daddy's Girls.

 Watching the tree coming down.

 Timber!

 Just to prove I was there- we had the waitress at the Corner Bar (the hot dog restaurant where we always eat after cutting down our tree) take our picture.

We got the tree in the house and then realized how incredibly HUGE it is! I don't think we've ever had a tree this big!

At least there is plenty of room for all our ornaments! :)

And our sweeties. :)

Witch

Terrible blogger though I am, there re some things worth remembering- even if you have to type them on the iPad because you're already in bed! Todays morning greeting from Nora was one for the books. I opened her door to say good morning to her and she looked up at me from her bed and said- oh, mom- I thought you were a WITCH!! To which I said I was nothing of the sort- she though about it for a few seconds and then said- well, you could PRETEND to be a witch!!

Someone is beginning to have a great imagination!

Thanksgiving Wrapup

Oh, I had visions of Thanksgiving posts waxing eloquent with all the amazing thoughts about thankfulness and contentment and trusting God and blessings and... lots of whatnot. But that ship sailed before I had time to write about it. I'm still grateful, thankful, celebrating God's goodness... but the words I had in my head to write about it flew away... so I'll just post the pictures from our wonderful time with our family this holiday season. Most of them are poor quality, cheap-flash pictures, and I didn't do any editing... but they tell the story better and more quickly than I can type so here they are! :(

 My adorable nephew Elliot. :)

 Carolyn got to help set the table with Ammy's pretty china. I remember doing the same thing at my Granny's house- it was always really special!

 Crescent rolls.

 Even Nora got to help. :)

 Love the expression on Nora's face here. :)

 Apple for apple pie. We sure did have a feast, though I don't have any pictures of it! :)

 The menfolk watched a lot of football on Thanksgiving Day, and they volunteered so sweetly for KP after dinner was over!

 Dad took a nap on the couch in preparation for his volunteer job as chauffeur for our first middle-of-the-night Black Friday shopping experience. :)

 Shelly and I had a fun time, despite some long lines! We spent an inordinate amount of time weaving through the aisles at Target- but got some fun stuff and more importantly spent some fun sister time together. :) We pooped out at 4am and went home. Laura got a full night's sleep, since she wasn't quite as interested in deals on children's clothing. ;)

 I think my favorite thing I found was this set of 2 matching fleece pullovers for the girls. :)  So cheap, and they loved them! :)

 Friday (after we slept in! :)) we had "little Christmas," trying to hit all the fun Christmas activities we did growing up, all in one day. :)

 The grandkids helped pick out a tree for Ammy and Papa.

 We took a family picture (this is the best we got- at least you can see everybody's eyes!)

 And some cute cousin pictures!

 I can't decide which one I like best!

 We decorated the tree with all the ornaments we grew up with!

 Here Nora is instruction Elliot on how to do it correctly.

 She was very careful to try to hang them "just so."

 Carolyn doesn't care for pictures, but she did like hanging the ornaments and hearing the stories behind some of them!

 The hangers were a little bit tangled. :)

Finally, candy cane cookies just before bed. Then a Christmas movie, and we were all whooped!

Busy, fun, wonderful weekend! I am so thankful to have family (on both sides!) that really ENJOYS each other. It is such a blessing to be together! :)