Family Day

I realize yesterday's post was a little "down." So I needed to follow it up with a more upbeat post- and this will be. :) We had a truly shining jewel of a family day on Saturday and made some wonderful memories just spending time together as a family.

Saturday- a day in which we had NOTHING planned, and decided to just spend the day having fun together. We started with special breakfast (French breakfast puffs courtesy of Brad's mom's great recipe), and then put a soup on to simmer for the day while we went to the apple orchard!

 We had lunch first, because the restaurant gets really crowded on Saturdays. While we waited the girls pretended to be in "school" in these antique desks. The picture above Nora really looks like me, I think.

 In this picture, she looks  like Brad. :)

 She wasn't a big fan of being the only one in a high chair... but the rest of the people in the restaurant no doubt appreciated that we contained the high-energy two-year-old.

 I bribed Carolyn into letting me take her picture by promising she could take one of me.

 Isn't it awesome?

 They were out of wagons by the time we got to the u-pick apples place, but had some nice orange wheelbarrows.

 Nora really liked the apples!

 Girls together, looking somewhat happy. :)

 Touching the apple.

 Feed it to Daddy!

 Eat it!

If you wonder why most of the pictures are of Nora it is because Carolyn really hates having me take her picture constantly... this is as close as I got to a smile (or even a look at the camera) from her. :)

 She liked holding the bag, though.

 And both girls actually looked at me when we were all done. :)

Dragging in our spoils (unfortunately the apples did end up falling out of the wheelbarrow... but they still taste good).

Whatever the challenges and disappointments that make up some part of our life right now, we are so blessed to have each other. It was really  nice to take a day to just enjoy one another. :)

Things I'm Thinking About

My mom (who's just spent the weekend at Andrew Peterson and his crew's second annual "Hutchmoot"- follow the link if you want to learn more about how awesome it is and be as jealous as I am that you didn't go) suggested that it might help me to process all the "stuff" in my life right now if I wrote more about it- might give me something to reflect on and look back on later on, and maybe some way to collect memories that may help someone else some day. So I'm going to try to take the time to write more, because (like mothers usually are...) I think she's probably right. Here, in no particular order, are some things I have been thinking about recently.

1. Yesterday... was a bad day. I have been feeling really moody about things this week- sometimes fairly upbeat and positive, and other times just really low and feeling really fearful that things will never work out again for us, and that I'll have to live with the hole in my heart and the longing for a child I cannot have forever. I've been on the verge of tears a lot lately. Yesterday was a low day. I got an email from someone I love and trust, who's also one of the smartest doctor-types I know- who (kindly and with love of course) indicated that he thinks we should consider IVF. For me, that feels kind of like saying "just give up; you're not biologically capable." I know that's not what he meant- but because at this time, Brad and I do not have peace about moving down that road, nor do we have the finances for it- the statement "IVF should be a strong consideration" feels like saying- you're done. And everything in me screams "I'M NOT DONE." I never, ever planned to be done after just two kids. I never ever thought that at 30 years old I would be biologically incapable of reproduction- dried up, finished, a procreative cul de sac. I made the mistake of reading that email between church services yesterday and instead of attending the second service, I sat in the bathroom alone and cried until I had no more tears. It's been awhile since I have really, truly cried myself out... but I did that day. Afterwards, church was still going on, and I didn't want to go back in all puffy-eyed and red-faced... so I ended up in the nursery, and found a friend's shoulder to cry on some more... I was glad to have a friend. I needed one.

2. Things usually feel better in the morning. Yesterday really was a hard day. My hardest yet since the initial days after things started going so horribly wrong last year. But today the sun is out, and though the circumstances haven't really changed, I don't feel quite so raw as I did yesterday. So I guess that's good.

3. It's all about perspective. Yesterday, I attended the memorial service for a dear friend's baby, who lived only one beautiful day. I never met Baby Grace in this world, but I know I will one day meet her in heaven, and this side of that, she reminds me to be grateful for all the pink in my life. I don't want to miss the joy that is here simply because I'm consumed with longing for something I haven't been given yet. I watched Grace's dear parents yesterday, standing beside her grave with their bouncing two-year-old horsing around as if the most natural place in the world for acrobatics is a cemetery- two people united in marriage, and now bonded even closer with a grief shared between they two as it cannot be shared by any others- because only they are Grace's parents. This circumstance that we're dealing with is not that- and to be quite honest, if offered a trade, I would pick the infertility over the heartache of losing a child any day- but we still have a choice- whether to let it bind us together or drive us apart. I have to admit that dealing with all the feelings that go along with someone telling you (and cycle after cycle convincing you) that you are reproductively incapable, while you so deeply desire a child- adds a bit of bitterness to marital bliss. The very act of marriage can so easily become tainted with the constant reminder that nothing can come of it. It's hard to pick up the pieces and redefine what it means to be together- to love each other quite apart from the ability to procreate. Feeling like something so central to my identity as a woman is broken makes it hard to want to be very close to anybody like that- even though I know I should. But seeing my friends together yesterday, holding each other's hands as they walked through this valley that's come into their lives, inspires me to want to be intentional about protecting my marriage and choosing not to let this tear us down from within.

4. Life as a story. Right now I'm reading two of my very favorite books of all time- "The Fellowship of the Ring" (on my iPad! ;)) and (naturally) "Harry Potter" as delivered on audiobook by the incredible Jim Dale (I'm currently at the end of the "Deathly Hallows" for about the 10th time this year- I never do seem to be able to stop reading those books- I get to the end of the 7th volume, take a break for a few weeks to listen to something else, and inevitably get the itch to start back over in book 1 again...) Anyway, it strikes me as I'm experiencing these masterpieces of fiction how the best books always seem to feature a complex storyline in which the storyteller brings together many different elements to create a journey for his/her characters that neither the reader nor the characters can anticipate. One of the things that really has struck me this time around is how help always seems to arrive at just the right moment. Frodo and his friends are found by Tom Bombadil just when they have come to the end of their own resources. Harry and Hermione and Ron seem to always find that they have exactly what they need at exactly the time they need it- whether it's a "deluminator" to show the way back home, or a broken fragment of glass to reveal them to the one person who can help them in their darkest hour- and ultimately of course, all the great characters in stories find in the end that they are much, much more than they could have dreamed they had the potential to be in the beginning. Maybe life is a little like that. Maybe if I looked harder, I would be able to see the places where help has come at just the right time, or the moments I find that I have what I need to be bigger than I knew I could be.

5. Obedience. Last night we went to a presentation by Joey Link- of the Growing Families national ministry. This is the organization that supports the parenting class we attended a couple years ago that really has shaped how we are trying to raise our family. Joey talked to us about the importance of training our children to be obedient- not because we want to control or dominate them- but because we are modeling the relationship between God and His children to ours. It is essential that our children learn how to give true, heart obedience to us as their parents because nothing is more important than that they be ready to transfer that skill to their own relationship with the Lord someday. I found myself thinking as Joey was talking about children obeying their parents- about how as an adult, I have to demonstrate the ability to obey, just as they do, without all the information, without being able to control all the factors, without the freedom to evaluate the options and make the choice that in my wisdom seems best. Just as my daughters need to learn to come to me with a "Yes, Mommy," when I call, even if it's not convenient for them, they don't feel like it, they don't understand why they need to, or they can think of 100 things they would rather be doing than coming when Mommy calls- so I need to learn to submit to my Father. To come when He calls, even when I don't understand why. I really can think of more than 100 things I would rather be doing with my time and money than going through the blood draws, ultrasounds, and emotional days of dealing with this. But this is what I've clearly been called to do. And I guess my job is to obey, and to somehow find it in my heart to believe that He has my best at heart.

6. It is possible to have a strong family identity, even if you have a small family. One of the reasons that I've always wanted to have a bigger family (I always dreamed of having 4 kids) is that some of the coolest families I've known are those that have a bunch of kids and this sense of "we-ness" from just being the crowd in the van. But I don't know that that sense of family identity automatically comes from having a bunch of kids- nor do I think that it's confined to families with larger numbers of people in them. I've been thinking a lot this weekend about another family I know- a family with just two daughters, though I know that the mother deeply desired more children. This family has an amazing identity just within the 4 of them, and it's obvious that each member of the family cares deeply for the others... The mom in this family is a wonderful example of a person who refused to allow bitterness over a situation remarkably like my own to define her- and has given the very best she has to her two girls- just as I hope to do, too. My heart feels like it will break to think of having to look back on these years we're living right now and say, as she does, with wistful longing "we wanted more, but the Lord did not allow us to have any more children." But I pray that if that is what I must say some day, that I can say it from the place where this mom is- having made the best of it, and been an abundant blessing to the two I have, and not stealing from them by giving too much of my heart to that unfulfilled longing.

And to that end, we had a wonderful family day on Saturday. It was so nice to have such a beautiful day together. I will blog about that next time- but for now, just one picture.

Girl Stuff

Every post really needs a picture... and even though this post has nothing to do with the picture... I put the lovely, out-of-focus, self-timer shot I took of me and the girls this weekend on our "girls day" up. :)

But this post is really more about who's not in the picture than who is... we took a new step this week in the saga of our journey toward family expansion... on Tuesday we met with the specialist who will hopefully be helping us add a new face to the family pictures. There was (naturally) a lot of buildup to this appointment, as I'd had it scheduled for a couple months (it is unreal how difficult it is to get 2 doctors in the same room together during business hours- my husband and our doctor), and I was kind of nervous. We chose this doctor because he was the only one our insurance would cover (50% of the cost anyway...), even though most of our friends have gone to the other, bigger office in town. I'd heard that this fellow is a little bit of the "mad scientist," without an overabundance of "warm fuzzies," so I had Brad help me prepare my story so that I could eliminate as many extraneous details as possible. This turned out to be a good move because once we got in the room, the questions were fast and furious and when it was over, I could hardly believe it had gone so quickly!

I guess the overall outcome of our meeting is that we have next steps to take, but no real answers yet- I didn't expect answers at this point, but I am glad to be on the road toward hopefully finding some solutions. The doctor indicated that solutions might be expensive, though... He think that it's likely I will need a laparoscopy to evaluate what things are doing structurally in my body- because my ectopic pregnancy was resolved with medication (methotrexate) instead of surgery at the time, no one really knows what it looks like in there, or what caused it, or even where it was located. I also had a large ovarian cyst at the same time, and we are not sure what residual effects that may have had. I had an HSG (hysterosalpingogram where they inject dye to check whether your fallopian tubes are open) in December that was clear, so there's not an obvious problem, but that doesn't mean that there isn't something going on inside that they just can't see unless they look. So it seems likely that surgery will be part of the process for us- and 50% of the cost of a surgery could be pretty expensive... so we're going to have to do some figuring out to see when we can afford that. Ugh... not awesome...

So, at this point, the doctor wants me to come in for a mid-cycle ultrasound either this month (if the timing works out with our upcoming trip to Lake Geneva with our family...) or next month, and then we will go from there. I've had quite a few emotional swings over the past few days- I was comfortable with the recommendations when we left the doctor's office, but when we got home and I immediately started bleeding again (sorry if this is TMI... at least it's a private blog...)- for no good reason and at the "wrong" time of the month, I was reminded again how screwed up I feel. I think that a lot of the way I've felt about this whole process has to do with the sense of being broken. Not even always the deep longing for another child (to be honest, there are many moments in the day when I feel like my plate is overflowing with just the two I have!)- but just this feeling of grief and sadness over my lack of reproductive capacity. The desire for a child is there, it's real and I want nothing more than that little newborn baby who doesn't exist yet- but I think I could wait on that- I miss in such a profound way the sense of capability to sustain and nurture life within my own body. I feel dried up and useless as I've failed month after month to conceive. I feel like my youth is disappearing as I entered a new decade this year and that clock does start to sound louder... I don't want to be broken anymore.

BUT... swinging the other direction on the emotional pendulum, I have been thinking a lot lately about brokenness and emptiness and the hole in my heart that seems just exactly shaped like a little baby. I've been trying so hard for so long to get one to fit in there... but God has not seen fit to answer those prayers affirmatively... it's disappointing and frustrating and has really prompted a lot of bitterness and anger in my heart as I'm constantly aware of the "hole" festering on the edges and it feels like what would satisfy the longing is just inches away, but my damaged reproductive system won't allow me to have what others seem to get without even trying. I was asked several weeks ago by a good friend whether I really wanted to be healed- and it really made me think (and made me want to snap back at her with a sour retort)- DO I want to be healed? Do I want God to heal that hole in my heart, or do I just want to fill it with what I think will fit? I have taken some steps the past several weeks to turn my back on the bitterness, to move toward healing in relationships, and to consciously remind myself that God is a God of fullness, not emptiness- and it is not His purpose for me to suffer with that hole in my heart- it is His purpose to heal it and fill it... but it takes a real desire for healing- a turning back from the singleminded pursuit of a baby and toward seeking His healing for the "hole" so that it can close up and WHEN another child comes into my life, it will be able to have the best of me as a mother because I will already be enough without it. These are the things I think about when my heart's in the right place.

But of course when things are happening physically to remind you once again that you lack the control over one of the most important things in the world to you... it's sometimes hard to remember what you know to be true. I was feeling pretty bummed about things this morning, and I didn't even know when to schedule this mid-cycle ultrasound since I'm obviously having another weird, non-predictable cycle- sigh. But, as there usually is, there was a silver lining. I called the new doctor's office this morning and COULD NOT BELIEVE how awesome they were. I told them about the weird bleeding I am having and how messed up my cycles seem to be- and they CARED- and they DID SOMETHING- and I DIDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE. That's right- a REAL person answered the phone, then transferred me to another REAL PERSON who patiently listened to my (non-condensed, slightly hysterical) story, and then- get this- talked directly to the DOCTOR- who sent me right over to the lab for blood work so that he could FIND OUT what is going on (he ordered a progesterone level so he could use it to figure out "where" this is coming in my wonky cycle)!! And then, wonder of wonders- I called them this afternoon, only to be told that at THIS office, you don't have to call to remind them you got bloodwork done- they just KNOW- and they DEAL WITH IT the very SAME DAY! Someone called me right back with the doctors opinion on my progesterone level and what we should do next. I was totally astonished. The circumstance hasn't changed; I'm still disappointed that all signs point to a continuing relationship with our new doctor's office for at least the time being... But I felt so encouraged and bolstered by seeing that these people really seem to care about the minutiae that cause me distress, and that they are as dedicated to seeing us achieve another pregnancy as we are. I am grateful to feel so cared for. And even though our insurance chased us into that office instead of the one we would have gone to, I am grateful because I know we're in good hands (and ultimately, not even theirs).

So that's that. For now, I will do as the new doctor advised us on Tuesday. Live my life, enjoy the things that I enjoy... and be thankful that someone else is now being paid to take care of this problem! ;)

Little Sister

Big Sister's been getting a lot of press lately because of all the awesome stuff that's going on in pre-K... so it's time for a post about the Little Sister!

Age: Half-Past Two. Already seems to be over the hill to the "threes." Heaven help us...

Size: small. The dress she is wearing is a 12-18 months from last season... with leggings it looks super cute. :) I'm glad that she's a little pixie... it's nice to be able to actually use her clothes for longer. She's growing- maybe about 25 pounds by now? And she definitely eats... but she's still wearing mostly the same size as last year- 18-24 months fits pretty well. Interestingly enough, that size also fits my nephew at the moment- and he's 18 months younger than she is!

Loves: school buses anywhere (she points them all out wherever you go) and especially the one that comes past our house at about 3:15 with Big Sister on it; Kindermusik classes; brushing her teeth

Hates: sitting at the table after she is done eating... but we are practicing it anyway. :)

Proud of: her big girl bed- she will tell all and sundry about it.

Speaks: in full sentences, seems to have a knack for already being able to recreate a story and tell you about what happened. She watches and observes well. :) The other day she found Carolyn's piggy bank, and remembered exactly where the little thing is that plugs up the hole in the bottom of the piggy bank (it ended up in our bathroom!)- took the piggy bank to the bathroom and put the pieces together.

Wants: to go to school like big sister, but I'm just not at all ready. :) I'm glad she's only two-and-a-half- I'm in no rush for her to grow up! Stay little, Nora Bean! Stay little! She also wants a little brother... she just doesn't know it yet... ;) Our first appointment with the REI is on Tuesday this week... I hope that they will be able to help us, or maybe even just reassure me that help is possible!

Best thing about Nora: her spunky nature! She's so full of life and light and joy. Always has been. She really has such a spark for life, and she's just fun to be around. :) Love my Bean.

Waiting for the Bus

One of the highlights of our day is waiting for Carolyn's bus to come. :) Nora loves to watch for it and play in the driveway while we wait. 

 She likes to play with this little wooden school bus while keeping our eyes open for the big yellow school bus to come.

 She is very sad that she doesn't get to ride on the bus... but I'm not- sometimes I look at her and can barely recognize where her little baby self has gotten to... but she is still my baby!

 Sometimes we wait for quite a while... but eventually the bus comes around the corner and it's time for Carolyn to come home! The bus stops at our neighbors' house, which is really nice because we really don't have to leave our driveway until we see the bus coming. :)

 Here's the big school girl with her back pack and lunch box. She LOVES pre-K. She is so excited to go to school every day, and loves to tell me stories about all the exciting things she gets to do there. Her wonderful teacher is very high energy and possibly the most positive person I have ever met- and her attitude is so contagious that Carolyn frequently comes home with words like "marvelous" or "fantastic" to describe things like Center Time or Library Time. Today she got to visit the library and bring two books home. She was so excited. :) It's so fun to see her world beginning to open up before her! My girl is growing up!

Ready to Run!

We're as ready as we're going to get for tomorrow's run! :)

Today we spent most of the day downtown.

 The girls seemed to enjoy the novelty of being in the city... at least for a little while. ;)

 Inspired by a good friend who carries her toddlers around in the Ergo baby carrier, I brought mine with me; we haven't used it in awhile, but it worked great! It helps I guess that Nora's only about 24 pounds. :)

 We met some friends at this really cool restaurant- they handed out fresh donut holes while we waited, and had milk duds on the tables!

 Big hit for the girls- but they got tired of the pancakes after the whipped cream was gone, and pretty much just wanted to eat MY pancakes instead. :)

 With some great friends. They're the kind of folks that even though there's been a lot of years between visits, it's like no time at all. :)

 The "Expo" for the race was at Navy Pier, and we let the girls play for awhile at the grassy space by the big fountain there. :)

 My first time at an EXPO! It was a little bit overrated I thought... but still, my dad and sister are REAL runners (Chicago full marathon is an annual family event; we non-runners chase the real runners around and try to "catch" them at certain points on the course)- and they go to the Expo every year before the marathon. I felt really cool walking around with my bag with my "tech shirt." ;)

 All ready to go... super EARLY in the morning!

 Dad's sticker- if found on the course, drag across the finish line... :)

 Our outfits!

 My dad.

 My sister (and training buddy)

And me! And now I'd better get ready for bed- we're leaving super early in the morning! Hopefully I will actually be able to do this thing!

THE First Day!

Yesterday was Carolyn's first "real" day of school!

 This is last year's picture in front of the same tree when Carolyn started preschool. Isn't she growing up?!

She did marvelously at her first day! I was a little worried that she might chicken out at the last minute and then I'd have to peel her off of me while trying not to cry myself... but I asked her if she wanted me to go in with her, and she told me to drop her off at the door. I hugged her, she grabbed her backpack, and just  marched right inside. I followed after a minute or two to be sure she got where she needed to go, and a teacher was already helping her find her class, and a minute later, she was hand-in-hand with her own (already) beloved teacher walking out to the playground to play before class started.

I haunted the bus stop for about 20 minutes longer than I needed to because I wanted to be sure not to miss it! And then it came- so big and school-ey, and my Carolyn was in the seat right behind the driver, just barely visible because she's still so little! A neighbor girl is her "bus buddy" and helped Carolyn get on and off the bus- so sweet!!

Uncharacteristically, Carolyn was full of details about her afternoon (she is doing afternoon pre-K- we have lunch at 11, then go to school at 11:30, and she comes home around 3.) She told me all about the Bible story, and the craft and the playground. It was great. :) I feel great that she is loving her new school so much. Now we will see how she feels about going there again today! :)