Today was a national day of remembrance and awareness of pregnancy loss and miscarriage. At 7:00 pm local time, all around the country, women who have been touched by this kind of tragedy lit a candle for one hour in remembrance of the little ones whose lives were cut short before they could really even begin. A wave of light swept across the nation as 7:00pm hit each new time zone and mothers everywhere remembered. I lit three candles tonight. One each for two dear friends who have been forever altered by the empty places in their families. And one for our little one who might have been.
Time does bring healing, and it would be literally impossible to live my life without being acutely aware of everything I have to be thankful for in the two little girls who fill our home with laughter and love. One of those girls would not be here today if I had not lost the little baby whose short life both began and ended in the womb, and so I cannot say that I regret that loss now. Although the life of our little one was very short, just a blip on the screen really, it affected me so profoundly that I really believe that it was a turning point in my life. I remember writing shortly after I miscarried of how I wanted that baby's life to mean something, how I wanted it to make me better, and not bitter. And I think I can say that it has. I have a greater understanding of the greatness, goodness, sovereignty, power, and love of our God than I ever could have had if He had not walked me through those days of darkness when I felt I could not put one foot in front of the other. Knowing something of the ache and emptiness of losing the fullness of hope that a pregnancy brings has helped me to reach out to others who are having this all-too-common experience. It has made me more compassionate and aware of others.
God has been so gracious to me. I don't think it's always true that we get the answers to the "why" questions we ask when we're in pain. But in His grace He has provided that for me as it relates to our miscarriage; I no longer ask Him "why," because I can see so much good fruit that has come even of this bad and awful thing that happened to me. I am a better person today, a more faithful person today, a better mother and a better friend because of that little life. And so I thank God for it, and one day I look forward to meeting that son or daughter in heaven.
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I love the words of Andrew Peterson in this song he wrote to the little baby that he and his wife lost. I hope you'll take a few minutes to listen to it, and remember all the many lives who have been touched and seared by the pain of loss like this. And to my dear friends who do not go a day, or even an hour without remembering, I hope you are comforted to know that I remembered today, too.
"They say there ain't no sleepin' in heaven, but baby that don't mean that you can't dream.
So when you close our eyes know your mother and I pray the Lord your little soul to keep.
And we never got a chance to hold you, no we never got to tell you good night.
So we hope you can hear as Jesus cradles you near, Baby, this is your lullaby."
We've had some fun doing Halloween-y things this weekend. On Friday Rachel and her mommy and daddy and Baby Madeline came over and we made sugar cookies in pumpkin, bat, ghost, and cat shapes. A good time was had by all. Carolyn is much better at cutting the cookies out than she was at Christmas (that was probably the last time we did something like this).
Both girls especially loved playing with the flour. 
I love these two girls together. They are such good little friends. Both are strong willed and a little prone to possessiveness (what 3-year-old isn't?) so there are always a few scuffles, but they come out of it still loving each other, and it's really sweet to see a relationship with such genuine affection so young.
Today we carved pumpkins and roasted pumpkin seeds for family time. Well, Brad and I carved pumpkins. Carolyn helped with the pumpkin seeds and ate them. Nora slept. :) I thought they came out well! I made Ariel, Brad made Darth, and by the time those were done, we just went simple with the girls' pumpkins.
Our little punkins and their "punkums." Lighting and focus isn't quite right in this picture, but I still like it.
Side note- isn't this amazing? Not even quite nine months old yet and she's already starting to pull herself up! This week she's been up on her knees a lot and I know standing and cruising can't be too far off. She's also started really crawling in the past couple days. She's growing up! This is about the time I started itching to have another one when Carolyn was small. It's nowhere near the right time for us to think about any more kiddos- the ones we have are quite enough for the moment... but watching them grow is always a little bittersweet.
We spent the evening across the street at the neighbors' Halloween party. It was so cold here that we bundled the girls up with a big blanket in the wagon for the short trip across the street.
I got such a kick out of seeing Nora crawling around in her bumblebee costume (and the hair clips I made this morning for her :))
Not the greatest picture of Carolyn, but this was the best I could do of the sisters together in their costumes.
Nora sat snuggly in the wagon while Carolyn went up to the doors; I think she was the warmest one of our group, but even so, we headed home early to warm up and answer the door for the trick or treaters- but we didn't have any, so we now just have a ton of candy to dispose of...
Carolyn's face pretty much says it all. It was COLD this year!! I think she still had fun being a fairy and getting her goodies... but she was pretty chilly despite the layers I tried to dress her in. All in all, a fun Halloween. It's fun to experience holidays and such through new eyes now that we are parents. Kids are fun!
