Oh yes, another one of THOSE DAYS. Murphy's Law holds ever true... Brad left yesterday for a board review course in Lansing, so I'm on my own this week... and somehow the children just KNEW I would be overtaxed and have limited resources today. Between nursing, "piping" (replacing pipe in swaddled, screaming infant's mouth), and locating dropped pipes in Carolyn's room, after going to bed at 11, I was up at 1230, 2, 3, 4, and 6am. I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. I think God gives mommies (and obstetrical residents :)) some special superpower to be able to function on limited REM sleep- but I still find that my reserves are quite depleted after 7 weeks of patchy sleep. I had all kinds of great plans for this day (the only day this week that we don't have some pre-planned activity for the morning), but when I got up I was just GROUCHY and didn't feel like doing any of it! I managed to break out a bit and do a couple "Pojects" with Carolyn before lunch- but really I was just counting the hours until NAPTIME.
Unfortunately, neither of my adorable children got the memo that the hours between 1 and 3 are SACRED, especially today! The toddler's tantrum over having to actually stop playing and get some rest finally quieted down just in time for the infant to awaken, starving. Great. I'll admit it, I had a really poopy attitude that I essentially spent almost 2 hours attempting to get a nap- and not only was I unsuccessful, I was also utterly unproductive in any other way! Carolyn has always been so "in tune" to my emotions; appropriately, she woke up from her nap with a poopy attitude too- evidenced by the halfway dressed tantrum she threw in the bathroom when I tried to tie her hair back.
It was another of those mommy moments that seem to happen all too often lately when I just wanted Prince Charming (aka Daddy) to come sweeping through the front door on his shining steed and rescue me! No rescue party appeared, so I had to fend for myself.
Something inspired me to turn on a cd I haven't listened to since Carolyn was small- Michael Card's "Sleep Sound in Jesus." It's supposed to be a lullaby cd for babies, but seriously, I think it's more for the frustrated, sleep-deprived parents! Lyrics such as:
These from "Come to the Cradle"
"Come hear the call, of sweet sighs in the dark. Their touch is gentle; it touches your heart. The bustle and business lasts year after year. But this little baby won't always be here.
Come to the cradle, come and find peace. Alone in the cradle, simplicity sleeps. Behold perfect wisdom, so gentle and mild, in the innocent, upward, trusting glance of a child...
When God gives a gift, He wraps it up in a child. He made them, loves them, so wondrously wild. And so you are chosen, who've called out for prayer... so come to the cradle, He waits for you there."
and These, from "A Gift of Life"
"Forgive me O Lord for being so dim; I've embraced this small gift, wrapped my arms around him (her). I was holding so tight, it was all I could do. I forgot that my arms belong first around You.
So sing for the Giver, whose name is a prayer, and sing to the baby He's given so fair, and sing to yourself, be you husband or wife, and remember, a child is a gift of life."
I wish there was an easy way to upload the actual songs to Blogger without making it eternally slow and annoying if not everyone wants to listen- but these songs and others I heard in the hour that calmed my heart today really spoke to me. It was totally the attitude check I needed. I'm ashamed to admit that I often do forget in the bustle of taking care of the house, the daily grind of basic childcare, the continual feelings of inadequacy because I still can't recognize my pre-pregnancy body in this overly padded-up version of myself- I often do forget what an incredible, marvelous gift that these two girls are. And although I'm in the midst of amazing growth and change each and every day, I do lose sight of the undeniable fact that these years are SO SHORT- perhaps that is because some of the (less pleasant) moments in the days that make up those years seem like they will NEVER END! I'm thankful for the little memo my Father sent me today that helped bring me back into perspective. And now I think I will go snuggle my baby and play with my toddler, and do my best to forget the mess! :)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Catching Up... Again
I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since my last real update... to my mother and the other four of you who check this blog regularly, I'm sorry! We've been busy!
Nora keeps growing cuter and cuter every day. I think she still looks so much like Carolyn, but increasingly, she is starting to take on a look of her own. I never thought I'd see a baby as beautiful as Carolyn, but I am every bit as taken with Nora; so, apparently, the world has TWO "most beautiful babies."
We missed Daddy and hubby while he was away in Arizona. It turned out to be a really fun week with Ammy and Papa here (and the house was cleaner, thanks to them, than it would have been even under normal circumstances). But we were all glad when Brad came home! I must admit, I'm selfishly glad that he's the one who has to travel and not me- I don't think I could handle being away from my babies that long! I would be worthless and crying all the time!
For some reason Blogger won't let me turn this picture around, so it looks a little funny, but Big Sister and Little Sister are bonding on the baby play mat. Carolyn is so loving and sweet to Nora, and I can tell that she will be Nora's favorite person just by the way Nora watches Carolyn- except, of course, when Carolyn gets too close and is too exuberant- Nora cries then; but generally, she loves to look at her sister- and Carolyn loves to help take care of Nora. And I love that someone besides me is available to put in the pacifier when Nora's crying and my hands are busy!
The weather is starting to improve (this weekend of sleet/rain/snow-ish precipitation is a notable exception to the generally nicer weather pattern we've had lately). We've been able to go to the park a few times. Here in the Frozen North, we have to stay inside for so long that I can really tell a huge difference in Carolyn's motor skills since the last time I took her to the park. She can do so much more all by herself- and she's even learning to "pump" her legs on the swing! Who taught her that? I certainly didn't, but she was doing it, and was delighted with herself for being able to keep the swing going.
Nora's motor skills are improving too. Given the fact that this child still sleeps about 80% of the time, and the time when she's awake is generally right after a feeding, so she needs to be upright for awhile- we really haven't done a whole lot of "tummy time" (bad Mommy!)- so I was actually surprised to see that she could do this when I put her on the Boppy pillow the other day. Good thing I had the camera right there because it was a pretty quick photo-op before she dissolved again into what tummy time usually looks like.
Just leave me alone Mom! But zoom in on this picture and see how really BLUE her eyes are! They have really lightened up since she was born- just like Carolyn's did. I could not believe I had two babies with this much hair- it would be just too much if they both ended up with light eyes when Brad and I both have brown!! Of course it's really too early to tell what color they'll decide to be, but I'm surprised to see blue eyes again at all!
Carolyn is alternately challenging and charming- sometimes the downshift from "charming" to "challenging" is alarmingly quick! But the other night, she was unequivocally charming. We love going to Kindermusik, and one of our favorite things is when all the kids get a chance to bang a drum or play the resonater bars while the rest of the kids sing "Sweetly Sings the Donkey" to the beat the kid is playing. Carolyn brought me this cookie tin the other night and we all took turns playing and singing together- to her very great delight.
She liked being "Miss Lynette" and holding the drum for Daddy and Mommy to take their turns.
Some of you will remember how puffy Carolyn's hair was. One night this week after I washed Nora's hair I used the blow dryer to try to do the same thing we used to do to Carolyn's hair (she did great with the hair dryer, but didn't feel like having her picture taken afterwards).
I think Carolyn's hair was puffier... but there's no denying the resemblance, or that they're both adorable! Nora's hair is very thick on the top of her head; maybe thicker than Carolyn's was, and it already "likes" to lie to one side, so I think that's why it didn't puff up quite as much.
This week we introduced scissors for the first time. Carolyn was so fascinated and thoroughly enjoyed cutting "hedgehogs" out of numerous sheets of paper. She has such a thirst for independence right now; she increasingly wants to do everything "by myself." I'm glad I have a little one who still needs me desperately, or I might feel a bit shunted aside, though of course this is as it should be. They just grow TOO FAST!
Today we went to the Children's Museum for a friend's birthday party. I think we are going to have to buy a membership here because Carolyn had such a great time! She spent about an hour just blowing bubbles.
I took lots of pictures of her "blowy face"
She was so delighted with all the bubbles she could blow with this huge bubble ring
Isn't she cute?! And doesn't she look like such a BIG GIRL?!
Carolyn and Daddy bonded at the museum this weekend because they actually went twice together- I sent them yesterday to the birthday party without double checking the invitation- they got there and realized the party was today instead of yesterday! But Daddy rolled with it and took his little girl on an impromptu "date" yesterday and a great time was had by all. :)
Nora, of course, was a perfect little angel. She either slept...
Or looked generally adorable the whole time... :) This outfit was supposed to be her "going home from the hospital" outfit- it's still a little too big! She is just a little peanut- weighed in at 9 pounds, 7 ounces on Friday- I've known friends who've had bigger babies at birth!
Because she's been quite a bit smaller than Carolyn was at the same age, I've been having some concerns about her feeding- long story short, she is SO easygoing that she's too easily satisfied at feeding time and stops as soon as she starts to feel the slightest bit full, even though she really "should" be taking more volume at her age. She really hates feeling distended and tends to swallow air when she eats so she gets really upset after just a few minutes of feeding. Well, I should know better than to let stuff like this freak me out, but I kind of did. I went to see a lactation consultant on Friday and she was really helpful; gave some good tips for feeding and maintaining a good milk supply, and helped me realize that Nora is growing and developing just fine. She just must not have read the book that says that she should be getting 4 or 5 ounces at a feeding by now- she's happy with 3! I should know by now that babies don't always follow "the book" (whatever that book might be). Heaven knows Carolyn didn't, and it caused me no end of mental distress that she just did not follow the "Babywise" rules (the book said 99% of babies whose parents follow the Babywise rules will sleep through the night by 12 weeks at the very latest- Carolyn didn't sleep through the night til 6 months!) I guess Nora just didn't read the lactation book. But she's growing and happy and doing well, so there's more to be thankful about than to worry about- and that's a better way to spend my mental energy.
Nora keeps growing cuter and cuter every day. I think she still looks so much like Carolyn, but increasingly, she is starting to take on a look of her own. I never thought I'd see a baby as beautiful as Carolyn, but I am every bit as taken with Nora; so, apparently, the world has TWO "most beautiful babies."
We missed Daddy and hubby while he was away in Arizona. It turned out to be a really fun week with Ammy and Papa here (and the house was cleaner, thanks to them, than it would have been even under normal circumstances). But we were all glad when Brad came home! I must admit, I'm selfishly glad that he's the one who has to travel and not me- I don't think I could handle being away from my babies that long! I would be worthless and crying all the time!
For some reason Blogger won't let me turn this picture around, so it looks a little funny, but Big Sister and Little Sister are bonding on the baby play mat. Carolyn is so loving and sweet to Nora, and I can tell that she will be Nora's favorite person just by the way Nora watches Carolyn- except, of course, when Carolyn gets too close and is too exuberant- Nora cries then; but generally, she loves to look at her sister- and Carolyn loves to help take care of Nora. And I love that someone besides me is available to put in the pacifier when Nora's crying and my hands are busy!
The weather is starting to improve (this weekend of sleet/rain/snow-ish precipitation is a notable exception to the generally nicer weather pattern we've had lately). We've been able to go to the park a few times. Here in the Frozen North, we have to stay inside for so long that I can really tell a huge difference in Carolyn's motor skills since the last time I took her to the park. She can do so much more all by herself- and she's even learning to "pump" her legs on the swing! Who taught her that? I certainly didn't, but she was doing it, and was delighted with herself for being able to keep the swing going.
Nora's motor skills are improving too. Given the fact that this child still sleeps about 80% of the time, and the time when she's awake is generally right after a feeding, so she needs to be upright for awhile- we really haven't done a whole lot of "tummy time" (bad Mommy!)- so I was actually surprised to see that she could do this when I put her on the Boppy pillow the other day. Good thing I had the camera right there because it was a pretty quick photo-op before she dissolved again into what tummy time usually looks like.
Just leave me alone Mom! But zoom in on this picture and see how really BLUE her eyes are! They have really lightened up since she was born- just like Carolyn's did. I could not believe I had two babies with this much hair- it would be just too much if they both ended up with light eyes when Brad and I both have brown!! Of course it's really too early to tell what color they'll decide to be, but I'm surprised to see blue eyes again at all!
Carolyn is alternately challenging and charming- sometimes the downshift from "charming" to "challenging" is alarmingly quick! But the other night, she was unequivocally charming. We love going to Kindermusik, and one of our favorite things is when all the kids get a chance to bang a drum or play the resonater bars while the rest of the kids sing "Sweetly Sings the Donkey" to the beat the kid is playing. Carolyn brought me this cookie tin the other night and we all took turns playing and singing together- to her very great delight.
She liked being "Miss Lynette" and holding the drum for Daddy and Mommy to take their turns.
Some of you will remember how puffy Carolyn's hair was. One night this week after I washed Nora's hair I used the blow dryer to try to do the same thing we used to do to Carolyn's hair (she did great with the hair dryer, but didn't feel like having her picture taken afterwards).
I think Carolyn's hair was puffier... but there's no denying the resemblance, or that they're both adorable! Nora's hair is very thick on the top of her head; maybe thicker than Carolyn's was, and it already "likes" to lie to one side, so I think that's why it didn't puff up quite as much.
This week we introduced scissors for the first time. Carolyn was so fascinated and thoroughly enjoyed cutting "hedgehogs" out of numerous sheets of paper. She has such a thirst for independence right now; she increasingly wants to do everything "by myself." I'm glad I have a little one who still needs me desperately, or I might feel a bit shunted aside, though of course this is as it should be. They just grow TOO FAST!
Today we went to the Children's Museum for a friend's birthday party. I think we are going to have to buy a membership here because Carolyn had such a great time! She spent about an hour just blowing bubbles.
I took lots of pictures of her "blowy face"
She was so delighted with all the bubbles she could blow with this huge bubble ring
Isn't she cute?! And doesn't she look like such a BIG GIRL?!
Carolyn and Daddy bonded at the museum this weekend because they actually went twice together- I sent them yesterday to the birthday party without double checking the invitation- they got there and realized the party was today instead of yesterday! But Daddy rolled with it and took his little girl on an impromptu "date" yesterday and a great time was had by all. :)
Nora, of course, was a perfect little angel. She either slept...
Or looked generally adorable the whole time... :) This outfit was supposed to be her "going home from the hospital" outfit- it's still a little too big! She is just a little peanut- weighed in at 9 pounds, 7 ounces on Friday- I've known friends who've had bigger babies at birth!Because she's been quite a bit smaller than Carolyn was at the same age, I've been having some concerns about her feeding- long story short, she is SO easygoing that she's too easily satisfied at feeding time and stops as soon as she starts to feel the slightest bit full, even though she really "should" be taking more volume at her age. She really hates feeling distended and tends to swallow air when she eats so she gets really upset after just a few minutes of feeding. Well, I should know better than to let stuff like this freak me out, but I kind of did. I went to see a lactation consultant on Friday and she was really helpful; gave some good tips for feeding and maintaining a good milk supply, and helped me realize that Nora is growing and developing just fine. She just must not have read the book that says that she should be getting 4 or 5 ounces at a feeding by now- she's happy with 3! I should know by now that babies don't always follow "the book" (whatever that book might be). Heaven knows Carolyn didn't, and it caused me no end of mental distress that she just did not follow the "Babywise" rules (the book said 99% of babies whose parents follow the Babywise rules will sleep through the night by 12 weeks at the very latest- Carolyn didn't sleep through the night til 6 months!) I guess Nora just didn't read the lactation book. But she's growing and happy and doing well, so there's more to be thankful about than to worry about- and that's a better way to spend my mental energy.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Why I Haven't Posted
The nights are starting to look like this with greater frequency- Nora is so excited to see the incredible new world around her that she thinks that the middle-of-the-night feedings are great opportunities for further exploration of her environment. Fortunately for us, she's relatively content, as long as the pipe stays in her mouth... but still it's made for some long nights lately, and by the time I finally get to a quieter part of the day after Carolyn is down for the night (well in her room anyway)- I am so brain fried that I have nothing of any sort of value to say. So I have pictures, but just don't have it in me to create a post worthy of the pictures... so you'll just have to wait.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Poll Results
Here they are, the long-awaited results of our little poll. 62% of you are right- though I think people who "knew" must have voted later, because for most of the polling period, it was about 50/50! They really are very much alike!
This is Carolyn (Exhibit A).
This is Nora (Exhibit B).
This is Carolyn (Exhibit A).
This is Nora (Exhibit B).
Baby Faces
In quest of the ever-elusive smile, we got pictures of several other sweet little Nora faces today. Some of them remind me strongly of Carolyn; others just seem to be her own. They look so much alike; I'm interested in seeing what Nora ends up looking like as she grows! Her hair is already beginning to lighten up, just like Carolyn's did. My mom thinks Nora will have light eyes like Carolyn does- they are certainly looking very blue right now- but genetic probabilities really are against her! Daddy and Mommy both have brown eyes! Guess we'll just have to wait and see...
Carolyn and the Baby
Today when it was time for dinner, we went to get Carolyn and this is what we saw her doing.
She is feeding the baby "with my tummy." :)
Later the baby had to spend some time in time-out for "hitting Mommy." :) Naughty baby!
Perhaps Carolyn's increased interest in "time-out" is because she has been deserving them more and more lately. She is really going through a defiant phase! Tonight she peed in her pants ON PURPOSE because she wanted me to come in and take her to the potty (AGAIN, although she had gone to the potty just about 15 minutes before!)- another bedtime avoidance technique! Does it make me a bad mommy that I made her keep the (slightly) wet pull-up on and refused to take her to the potty again because I knew she didn't really need to go? Any suggestions on how to navigate these dicey waters of bedtime battles? Any thoughts on how to encourage your child to keep her pants on? I'm taking any suggestions! Last night after she realized she was a little wet, she took the pull-up off herself, put her pants back on, and went to sleep- only to wake up soaking wet this morning! No one wishes more than I do that she was ready to stay dry overnight- but she just physically isn't there yet- so the pull-ups have to stay in our life for at least a little while longer!
She is feeding the baby "with my tummy." :)
Later the baby had to spend some time in time-out for "hitting Mommy." :) Naughty baby!
Perhaps Carolyn's increased interest in "time-out" is because she has been deserving them more and more lately. She is really going through a defiant phase! Tonight she peed in her pants ON PURPOSE because she wanted me to come in and take her to the potty (AGAIN, although she had gone to the potty just about 15 minutes before!)- another bedtime avoidance technique! Does it make me a bad mommy that I made her keep the (slightly) wet pull-up on and refused to take her to the potty again because I knew she didn't really need to go? Any suggestions on how to navigate these dicey waters of bedtime battles? Any thoughts on how to encourage your child to keep her pants on? I'm taking any suggestions! Last night after she realized she was a little wet, she took the pull-up off herself, put her pants back on, and went to sleep- only to wake up soaking wet this morning! No one wishes more than I do that she was ready to stay dry overnight- but she just physically isn't there yet- so the pull-ups have to stay in our life for at least a little while longer!
Our Day
Today is Brad's birthday, and for the first time since we were married, we're not in the same place today- he's at a medical conference in Tucson, and we, of course, are holding down the fort at home. Thank goodness for Ammy and Papa, who came to keep us company (and help Mommy stay sane!) And also, thank goodness for the beautiful weather we've had the past few days- over 70 today! We've been having a good time and I've been trying to take lots of pictures so Brad can see his girls while he's away. We miss him!! Happy birthday honey!
Nora's been starting to smile more. They're still very quick, fleeting smiles; almost experimental, but they're happening with more regularity. I still haven't caught a real picture of one; they're just too speedy- this picture was a smidge too late, but you can still see her eyes smiling. :)
Today we went to the zoo. Grand Rapids doesn't have the world's largest or greatest zoo, but it's still a nice place for a walk and Carolyn enjoyed seeing the animals.
There is a new lion exhibit which is easily the nicest part of the whole zoo (the stinky penguin exhibit could really use a makeover!) This lady lion was nice and close to the glass- and also awake, which isn't always usual with zoo animals. Carolyn enjoyed this part the best.
This is what our "wild one" (see shirt she's wearing) Nora did the whole time.
Nora's been starting to smile more. They're still very quick, fleeting smiles; almost experimental, but they're happening with more regularity. I still haven't caught a real picture of one; they're just too speedy- this picture was a smidge too late, but you can still see her eyes smiling. :)
Today we went to the zoo. Grand Rapids doesn't have the world's largest or greatest zoo, but it's still a nice place for a walk and Carolyn enjoyed seeing the animals.
There is a new lion exhibit which is easily the nicest part of the whole zoo (the stinky penguin exhibit could really use a makeover!) This lady lion was nice and close to the glass- and also awake, which isn't always usual with zoo animals. Carolyn enjoyed this part the best.
This is what our "wild one" (see shirt she's wearing) Nora did the whole time.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Sunday Dresses
Everyone should have at least one little girl so they can revel in the delights of dressing her! I'm lucky enough to have TWO little girls, which is just TWICE as much fun. :) I love it all- shopping for cute clothes, getting them all dolled up, and taking lots of pictures! They may hate me someday, but I'm having fun now. :)
Here's Thing One: she allowed us to French braid her hair (upon promise of a jelly bean after we were done). I love Carolyn's long hair, but I'm seriously considering cutting it shorter later this week; she's kind of "done" with having her hair clipped over to the side and unless I put it up in a ponytail or something, it gets into EVERYTHING. I'm thinking that a shorter 'do would be easier for everyone (but I might cry to see her hair go!) What do you think?
Here's Thing Two: thanks Krysia for the adorable denim dress! She looked so cute in it this morning!
Sisters Together! Carolyn got a jelly bean after this... Nora didn't get a choice. ;)
Here's Thing One: she allowed us to French braid her hair (upon promise of a jelly bean after we were done). I love Carolyn's long hair, but I'm seriously considering cutting it shorter later this week; she's kind of "done" with having her hair clipped over to the side and unless I put it up in a ponytail or something, it gets into EVERYTHING. I'm thinking that a shorter 'do would be easier for everyone (but I might cry to see her hair go!) What do you think?
Here's Thing Two: thanks Krysia for the adorable denim dress! She looked so cute in it this morning!
Sisters Together! Carolyn got a jelly bean after this... Nora didn't get a choice. ;)
Brighter Days
It cannot be denied- spring is COMING. Winter, you CANNOT last forever! I've done enough Michigan winters to know that the freezing cold and snow will still try to have a few more last words, but days like yesterday give me hope that indeed one day soon I will remember why I actually LIKE living in Michigan!
Yesterday I took Carolyn to the park, while Ammy and Papa were home with Nora. Carolyn was SO HAPPY to breathe the fresh air and run free for the first time in months.
She's grown much more confident and coordinated since the last time we visited the park. She was really happy just playing on her own, going up and down, up and down on the equipment.
I put this here because I see this expression a lot. She is pointing at some dirt on the slide and asking me "You want to clean that up?" She is genuinely concerned; I think she thought the dirt was an insect of some kind. Carolyn doesn't care for creepy crawly things.
And this picture is here because it's adorable- and because it is sooo BRAD! This girl is starting to look just like her daddy (and, unfortunately for me, she acts just like ME!)
Yesterday I took Carolyn to the park, while Ammy and Papa were home with Nora. Carolyn was SO HAPPY to breathe the fresh air and run free for the first time in months.
She's grown much more confident and coordinated since the last time we visited the park. She was really happy just playing on her own, going up and down, up and down on the equipment.
I put this here because I see this expression a lot. She is pointing at some dirt on the slide and asking me "You want to clean that up?" She is genuinely concerned; I think she thought the dirt was an insect of some kind. Carolyn doesn't care for creepy crawly things.
And this picture is here because it's adorable- and because it is sooo BRAD! This girl is starting to look just like her daddy (and, unfortunately for me, she acts just like ME!)
Friday, March 13, 2009
Days Like This
There are some wonderful days and times when I look at my sweet children and just marvel at their wonderfulness. I often write on my blog on those days. :) Then there are other days when I just want to run out of the house screaming and check myself into the loony bin. That was today. I'm not sure why; nothing really horrid happened today, but it just was an OFF day that finally crescendoed into a major meltdown by the time bedtime rolled around. It was totally a "why me?" day. Why do I have to do this all alone? (Brad's on call tonight and getting ready to leave for a conference tomorrow; thankfully as of tomorrow I will NOT be all alone because Ammy and Papa are coming to stay for the week! Yay!) Why don't I get to be the two-year-old sometimes? How come I have to listen to the Ratatouille sound track for the 3000th time? When's my lunchbreak? Why do all my clothes smell like sour milk? Why can't I clone myself so that I can feel like I'm able to meet the simultaneous needs of both of my precious children?
Sometimes it's really hard finding a balance point. I feel like I'm so often having to tell one of them NO, or "wait a minute." Anyone who's had a toddler and a new baby knows that it's the toddler who most often hears that. I feel guilty whenever I have to tell her no because the baby needs something- and I feel a heart-wrenching, visceral pain (sometimes accompanied by leakage, thus explaining the sour milk smell) whenever I tell the baby "not now" so that I can attend to the toddler! I want so badly to be able to be the best mom for both of them and I truly hate having to evaluate and choose who to be there for in moments when both of them want me.
Tonight I felt like the world's worst mother. My least favorite time of the whole day is Carolyn's bedtime. This is a shame because it used to be one of my most favorite times- before she started resisting it hard core. This time of day is far from the quiet, cuddly-snuggly time it once was. It's one of our biggest battles of the day now- and while it's really not much fun even when Brad's home, when I'm on my own it's almost unbearable. Unfortunately Carolyn's bedtime seems to coincide many nights with Nora's "fussy"/"feed me every hour Mommy" time. Tonight I HAD to get Carolyn to bed (after hours of her crying and whining at the slightest provocation I was SO READY to "punch out" of this part of the job for the night)- and so I had to read her stories while simultaneously attempting to jiggle the baby just right in order to soothe her but not allow the pacifier to fall on the ground where I had no hope of reaching it with two girls in my lap. The soothing didn't work very well because Nora was hungry, but I couldn't feed her properly until I had Carolyn down... you get the picture. Carolyn heard her stories over her sister's screams. I slowly felt my sanity going down the drain. Then came the inevitable whining over bedtime, the refusal to go the potty, followed by desperate cries to be allowed to go to the potty, the begging to "rock a minute" and the almost immediate rejection of any attempt I made to do so. Don't forget that the baby is still screaming. I wanted to just lie down on the ground and scream, too... and possibly break something.
But now the house is quiet. As always on days like this, I visited Carolyn and sat by her bed for a few minutes and watched her sleep. She's so beautiful and peaceful. It's hard to believe that this is the same child that made me want to run out of the house screaming just a couple hours ago. I look at her and wonder why I can't just remember how really little she really is and give her a break. I look at her and wonder how to teach her all the many things she deserves to learn from me: like how important it is to respect authority; how the world isn't really all about YOU; how to obey Mommy and Daddy; how to be kind to others; and most importantly, how to find Jesus. How do you teach your child the limits while making sure that they don't miss out on the message of how much you truly LOVE them? I wonder what message I sent to my child today. I don't think it's the one I really wanted her to hear. I wasn't as compassionate and caring toward her as I should have been; I wasn't as consistent with discipline when I needed to be because I just felt too TIRED to do anything about it; Instead I was haphazard about disciplining, doing it only when I felt so overwhelmed that SOMETHING had to be done. How confusing for her! No wonder she acts out when she's just searching for the security of the limits I need to be strong about setting for her. Poor Carolyn; Mommy isn't always as strong and secure as she ought to be for you! Sometimes she just breaks down inside, too.
Days like this are humbling, and sometimes a little humiliating. Thank goodness that God gives grace to the humble. And tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get a little sleep tonight.
Sometimes it's really hard finding a balance point. I feel like I'm so often having to tell one of them NO, or "wait a minute." Anyone who's had a toddler and a new baby knows that it's the toddler who most often hears that. I feel guilty whenever I have to tell her no because the baby needs something- and I feel a heart-wrenching, visceral pain (sometimes accompanied by leakage, thus explaining the sour milk smell) whenever I tell the baby "not now" so that I can attend to the toddler! I want so badly to be able to be the best mom for both of them and I truly hate having to evaluate and choose who to be there for in moments when both of them want me.
Tonight I felt like the world's worst mother. My least favorite time of the whole day is Carolyn's bedtime. This is a shame because it used to be one of my most favorite times- before she started resisting it hard core. This time of day is far from the quiet, cuddly-snuggly time it once was. It's one of our biggest battles of the day now- and while it's really not much fun even when Brad's home, when I'm on my own it's almost unbearable. Unfortunately Carolyn's bedtime seems to coincide many nights with Nora's "fussy"/"feed me every hour Mommy" time. Tonight I HAD to get Carolyn to bed (after hours of her crying and whining at the slightest provocation I was SO READY to "punch out" of this part of the job for the night)- and so I had to read her stories while simultaneously attempting to jiggle the baby just right in order to soothe her but not allow the pacifier to fall on the ground where I had no hope of reaching it with two girls in my lap. The soothing didn't work very well because Nora was hungry, but I couldn't feed her properly until I had Carolyn down... you get the picture. Carolyn heard her stories over her sister's screams. I slowly felt my sanity going down the drain. Then came the inevitable whining over bedtime, the refusal to go the potty, followed by desperate cries to be allowed to go to the potty, the begging to "rock a minute" and the almost immediate rejection of any attempt I made to do so. Don't forget that the baby is still screaming. I wanted to just lie down on the ground and scream, too... and possibly break something.
But now the house is quiet. As always on days like this, I visited Carolyn and sat by her bed for a few minutes and watched her sleep. She's so beautiful and peaceful. It's hard to believe that this is the same child that made me want to run out of the house screaming just a couple hours ago. I look at her and wonder why I can't just remember how really little she really is and give her a break. I look at her and wonder how to teach her all the many things she deserves to learn from me: like how important it is to respect authority; how the world isn't really all about YOU; how to obey Mommy and Daddy; how to be kind to others; and most importantly, how to find Jesus. How do you teach your child the limits while making sure that they don't miss out on the message of how much you truly LOVE them? I wonder what message I sent to my child today. I don't think it's the one I really wanted her to hear. I wasn't as compassionate and caring toward her as I should have been; I wasn't as consistent with discipline when I needed to be because I just felt too TIRED to do anything about it; Instead I was haphazard about disciplining, doing it only when I felt so overwhelmed that SOMETHING had to be done. How confusing for her! No wonder she acts out when she's just searching for the security of the limits I need to be strong about setting for her. Poor Carolyn; Mommy isn't always as strong and secure as she ought to be for you! Sometimes she just breaks down inside, too.
Days like this are humbling, and sometimes a little humiliating. Thank goodness that God gives grace to the humble. And tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get a little sleep tonight.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Updates: LONG post!
It's been awhile since I really updated, so this one's a long one... but I think it catches me up!
CAROLYN:
Continues to grow up right before my very eyes. Especially now with a new baby in the house, she increasingly seems like such a BIG girl that I have to remind myself in moments when she still acts like such a baby that she really... still is in a lot of ways.
Having two children now keeps me even busier than I'd expected, but I'm glad to see that even the natural frustration that comes from being sleep-deprived and trying to figure out how to meet two very different sets of needs at the same time hasn't kept me from still enjoying the wonderfulness of both of them in their vastly different stages of development. I continue to be fascinated with how Carolyn is growing in comprehension and communication. Although it isn't as easy as it was before to get out and "do stuff," last week we did go and feed ducks for the first time (I know that hamburger buns are not very similar to ducks' natural diets but these ducks are clearly used to it... there are no signs around this lake that warn against feeding them).
Carolyn loved tossing them some snacks; they were so obviously overfed that the majority of the ducks were too lazy to even swim over, but Carolyn was thrilled all the same. One of my favorite childhood memories (well really many memories rolled into one recollection of the experiences as a whole) is feeding the ducks with my family at the park.
We are delighted to report that as of this week, Carolyn is using utensils at meals again! As we were approaching the Big Transition into sisterhood, we kind of let a few of the lesser battles go for a time and this was one of the ones we chose not to fight for awhile. Now the acute phase of the transition is over and it was time for Carolyn to start eating like a reasonably polite human being again. She fought it for a few meals, but is complying now... especially when eating with a spoon means she gets ice cream pie (thanks Nana!) :)
This weekend Carolyn overcame another major hurdle. She finally figured out that Nana's rocking horses don't bite. :) She has been deathly afraid of them since this Christmas when somehow she got the idea they were scary. Nana has been waiting long time to ride with Carolyn. :)
This afternoon I tried something with Carolyn that I wasn't sure she was ready for, but found that she was equal to the challenge. We're working on (finally) getting our birth announcements out and I had a whole bunch of envelopes ready to be stuffed, sealed, and mailed. Carolyn was actually a big help- and the job kept her busy for almost an hour! We got a system going- I stuffed the envelope, sent it to her, she peeled the back off the sticky part on the envelope seal, threw the trash away, sealed the envelope, and put the finished one in the box. I was really impressed because this seemed like a fairly complex, multi-step task for a 2 1/2 year old- especially remembering where to put the trash and where to put the finished product. She really did great and seemed to feel good about herself for being able to do it. Inspired by this success, I had her help me with the return address labels... she lacks the impulse control and fine motor skills to get just ONE sticker in the exact corner of the front, so if yours has a crooked return address label on the back of the envelope, you'll know why- we improvised. :)
And of course, as always, there's just nobody Cooler than Carolyn! :)
NORA:
Nora is a whole month (and two days!) old! This month sure has flown by- and I have just loved nearly every minute of watching her grow. I absolutely love having a little baby in the house again- maybe even more than I enjoyed having Carolyn as a little baby because I know how FAST it goes and I am determined to soak it in and really enjoy it this time, so I've worried less about schedules and sleep/eat/wake cycles and refused to feel guilty if sometimes Nora sleeps in my arms. I love the snuggles, the little clothes, the tiny fingers and toes, pretty much everything. She still sleeps a lot and we're often having to encourage her to stay awake more during the day; she is happiest sound asleep in someone's arms!
She sleeps about half the time for a five-hour stretch at night, which is as much as I'd expect at this age. She is eating and growing well... I took her to the nursing support group yesterday so I could find out how much she weighs and she was 8 pounds 7 ounces- a bit smaller than Carolyn was at a month (Carolyn was 9 pounds, 6 ounces), but still growing just fine; and it's totally okay with me for her to be little for longer! They grow so fast anyway...
While she's certainly growing stronger and is amazing in every way, Nora's not quite ready to sit up on her own yet... :)
Bathtime is starting to be more fun for her. She cries a little when we put her in the water, but seems to enjoy the feeling of the warm water. I still look at her and can't believe how much she looks like Carolyn! I'm posting two pictures of the girls at around the same age and you see if you can tell who's who! Vote in the poll on the side bar. :)
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Nora had her first bottle on Saturday. I am planning to go back to work one day a week, so we wanted to be sure she could/would do it, and it's nice for Daddy to get a chance to feed her every once in awhile. I don't like sharing the job- nursing is one of my very favorite parts of this little baby stage!
Although Carolyn and Nora certainly look similar, we're finding some subtle differences. When Carolyn was small, I thought she looked so much like my mom- Nora reminds me a lot more of Brad- especially in this outfit, which was his "going home from the hospital outfit." Somewhere I have a picture of Daddy in this outfit, but I've spent too long on this post already!
Nora really isn't a fussy baby, but evenings are both her most alert and most "touchy" time of the day. As long as the pipe is in place, she seems to do fine; but she lets us know if it falls out! I'm so glad they came out with these tiny little pipes for little babies- they look so cute and also stay in better than the bigger ones!
US:
We are truly enjoying the blessing of these two wonderful girls... there's nothing sweeter than moments like these. :)
CAROLYN:
Continues to grow up right before my very eyes. Especially now with a new baby in the house, she increasingly seems like such a BIG girl that I have to remind myself in moments when she still acts like such a baby that she really... still is in a lot of ways.
Having two children now keeps me even busier than I'd expected, but I'm glad to see that even the natural frustration that comes from being sleep-deprived and trying to figure out how to meet two very different sets of needs at the same time hasn't kept me from still enjoying the wonderfulness of both of them in their vastly different stages of development. I continue to be fascinated with how Carolyn is growing in comprehension and communication. Although it isn't as easy as it was before to get out and "do stuff," last week we did go and feed ducks for the first time (I know that hamburger buns are not very similar to ducks' natural diets but these ducks are clearly used to it... there are no signs around this lake that warn against feeding them).
Carolyn loved tossing them some snacks; they were so obviously overfed that the majority of the ducks were too lazy to even swim over, but Carolyn was thrilled all the same. One of my favorite childhood memories (well really many memories rolled into one recollection of the experiences as a whole) is feeding the ducks with my family at the park.
We are delighted to report that as of this week, Carolyn is using utensils at meals again! As we were approaching the Big Transition into sisterhood, we kind of let a few of the lesser battles go for a time and this was one of the ones we chose not to fight for awhile. Now the acute phase of the transition is over and it was time for Carolyn to start eating like a reasonably polite human being again. She fought it for a few meals, but is complying now... especially when eating with a spoon means she gets ice cream pie (thanks Nana!) :)
This weekend Carolyn overcame another major hurdle. She finally figured out that Nana's rocking horses don't bite. :) She has been deathly afraid of them since this Christmas when somehow she got the idea they were scary. Nana has been waiting long time to ride with Carolyn. :)
This afternoon I tried something with Carolyn that I wasn't sure she was ready for, but found that she was equal to the challenge. We're working on (finally) getting our birth announcements out and I had a whole bunch of envelopes ready to be stuffed, sealed, and mailed. Carolyn was actually a big help- and the job kept her busy for almost an hour! We got a system going- I stuffed the envelope, sent it to her, she peeled the back off the sticky part on the envelope seal, threw the trash away, sealed the envelope, and put the finished one in the box. I was really impressed because this seemed like a fairly complex, multi-step task for a 2 1/2 year old- especially remembering where to put the trash and where to put the finished product. She really did great and seemed to feel good about herself for being able to do it. Inspired by this success, I had her help me with the return address labels... she lacks the impulse control and fine motor skills to get just ONE sticker in the exact corner of the front, so if yours has a crooked return address label on the back of the envelope, you'll know why- we improvised. :)
And of course, as always, there's just nobody Cooler than Carolyn! :)NORA:
Nora is a whole month (and two days!) old! This month sure has flown by- and I have just loved nearly every minute of watching her grow. I absolutely love having a little baby in the house again- maybe even more than I enjoyed having Carolyn as a little baby because I know how FAST it goes and I am determined to soak it in and really enjoy it this time, so I've worried less about schedules and sleep/eat/wake cycles and refused to feel guilty if sometimes Nora sleeps in my arms. I love the snuggles, the little clothes, the tiny fingers and toes, pretty much everything. She still sleeps a lot and we're often having to encourage her to stay awake more during the day; she is happiest sound asleep in someone's arms!She sleeps about half the time for a five-hour stretch at night, which is as much as I'd expect at this age. She is eating and growing well... I took her to the nursing support group yesterday so I could find out how much she weighs and she was 8 pounds 7 ounces- a bit smaller than Carolyn was at a month (Carolyn was 9 pounds, 6 ounces), but still growing just fine; and it's totally okay with me for her to be little for longer! They grow so fast anyway...
While she's certainly growing stronger and is amazing in every way, Nora's not quite ready to sit up on her own yet... :)Bathtime is starting to be more fun for her. She cries a little when we put her in the water, but seems to enjoy the feeling of the warm water. I still look at her and can't believe how much she looks like Carolyn! I'm posting two pictures of the girls at around the same age and you see if you can tell who's who! Vote in the poll on the side bar. :)
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Nora had her first bottle on Saturday. I am planning to go back to work one day a week, so we wanted to be sure she could/would do it, and it's nice for Daddy to get a chance to feed her every once in awhile. I don't like sharing the job- nursing is one of my very favorite parts of this little baby stage!
Although Carolyn and Nora certainly look similar, we're finding some subtle differences. When Carolyn was small, I thought she looked so much like my mom- Nora reminds me a lot more of Brad- especially in this outfit, which was his "going home from the hospital outfit." Somewhere I have a picture of Daddy in this outfit, but I've spent too long on this post already!
Nora really isn't a fussy baby, but evenings are both her most alert and most "touchy" time of the day. As long as the pipe is in place, she seems to do fine; but she lets us know if it falls out! I'm so glad they came out with these tiny little pipes for little babies- they look so cute and also stay in better than the bigger ones!US:
We are truly enjoying the blessing of these two wonderful girls... there's nothing sweeter than moments like these. :)
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