Guess Who...

Is starting SCHOOL tomorrow?!!

Today I took Carolyn to her new school for orientation- her first day of pre-K is tomorrow. I have a headache and I'm too tired tonight to write about all my feelings about this huge milestone in our lives... but suffice it to say, I am supremely confident that this is the right place for Carolyn, and that the marvelous teacher who will be leading her through this next year is exactly the right person to be in this role in her life. She will spend the next year bathed in the love of a woman who just bubbles over her love for God and for the children in her care. PLUS, I get to be a "room mom!" I can't wait to see what fun experiences await us as we begin the school years... though I can't help choking up a little bit when I think about how such a short time ago, she was my tiny baby- and now she's going to be a big school kid! She even gets to take the bus home tomorrow. :)

The Distance

So, in the middle of everything else I've been working on this summer... I've also been training to run a 1/2 marathon. I've kind of always been one for lofty goals and big ideas... and usually not so great on the follow-through. I'll be honest, that I never really intended to go through with the race when I signed up- I sort of hoped that by signing up for something I totally wouldn't do if I were pregnant... somehow it'd trick it into happening... well, obviously I didn't get what I really wanted... BUT, I found out this weekend that I CAN run over 13 miles!

My sister Laura has been my cheerleader and running buddy as I've worked up to some longer runs over the past couple months, and we've been enjoying running together. She is a REAL runner, training for the FULL marathon in October- but our training has coincided enough that se can run together, and I am so thankful- because I never would have pushed myself well enough alone! Yesterday, we did a 13.5 mile run together! And at the worst time of day, too- started at about 10:30am and finished at a very HOT 1:00pm. Nothing ever tasted so good as the super sized fountain Coke I got at the McDonald's at the end of our route! I've so enjoyed the time spent with my sister too!

The Chicago HALF-marathon is on September 11, and now, I know I'm ready. :) I just have to not get hurt between now and then and keep doing the daily-ish run, and I'll be able to get that PINK 13.1 sticker for my car- and cross something off the "bucket list" I never knew I had. :) I'd STILL rather be able to say "oops, gonna have a baby, can't run..."- but I feel like learning to run has taught me something about patience, perseverance, keeping going when it's hard, and a little bit about the "long run" as a picture of what life is like. I've had a lot of great conversations about trust and providence and the grace of God as my sister and I have run alongside one another- and feel like I've learned from her experiences and gained from her wisdom- and just enjoyed having a captive audience for a couple hours to do all my verbal processing! 

While there are lots of "hats" I wear as a mom and wife and business person and just person in general-  "athlete" has never been one of them- and has never really been something I particularly wanted (having realized fairly young that the gene pool simply did not bless me with the natural ability to be any good at any sort of sport...)- but it's kinda cool, that at least on that one day, when I lace up my running shoes, start my "tunes" on my ipod shuffle, and join the sweaty throng in the streets of Chicago- I get to try out what it's like to be an "athlete." :) Even if I'm not a very good one! All I want is to finish the race!

New Bike!

This girl....

Got a new bike this week! Inspired by seeing the neighborhood kids riding around like crazy, and seeing how the princess bike we got Carolyn for her 3rd birthday was beginning to look awfully small and tippy comparatively... we visited our local bike store, and came home with Carolyn's first "real" bike! It's a great bike- a 16-inch Trek bike with all the pink sparkles a girl could want, plus great quality and stability. We are all very happy with it. We also brought our mommy and daddy bikes in to the bike store for repairs and tune-ups and (as soon as I get around to picking them up), we will all be able to bike ride soon! We have a trailer for Nora, and Carolyn is rapidly improving her riding skills with the novelty and much higher quality of the new bicycle- plus, we discovered a great bike trail relatively near where we live, so now we have a place to go, too! It's gonna be fun! :)

About Time...

Yeah, I guess I should probably update my blog... I've actually had friends ask if the blog is broken... it's not... I'm just being lazy/busy/out of the habit...

These pictures are a few weeks old- from our last night at the beach at Lake Michigan. We were soo sad for Nana and Papa to have to go back home! It was fun getting to see them so much, and such a beautiful place to spend summer days and evenings. :)

Here are some cute toddler pics of Nora. More and more the "little girl" is coming out in her and the toddler cuteness is already starting to make way for the more mature beauty of a little girl. Sigh... parenting is so bittersweet!

Carolyn really enjoyed the water this year.

And another... one day I'll stop being lazy and learn to edit my pics...

I love these pics of Carolyn playing with Nana. :)

There's nothing quite so great as seeing a look like that on a child's face and knowing that you put it there! :) It was so sweet to see my girls just really enjoying so much time with the grandparents. There's something really special about cherishing that generational connection. :)

Making shadows together.

Bye, Beach! Til next time!

General family updates (in bullet form because it's been so long!)

• Nora seems to have "flipped the switch" at 2 1/2 from sweet, relatively compliant child to limit-testing, envelope-pushing, whine-perfecting toddler/preschooler. It's time to start giving her a little more firmness... makes me feel thankful that she and Carolyn aren't as close together as I'd have planned them- Carolyn (overall) seems to be exiting this phase and entering a "big kid" phase that is "easier" in a way- just as Nora is beginning to remind me of why "terrible twos" is a misnomer- two-year-olds are much easier than three-year-olds, in my book!
• Nora moved to a big girl bed last week. Overall, she's been doing pretty well with it... though it takes a long time to get over the insult of being put to bed, and she's been testing the limits quite a bit (see bullet point number one ;)
• Carolyn starts pre-K next week! She's so excited! I'm excited too. :) And still glad that we're not making the full jump to Kindergarten yet- I don't think she's ready, and neither am I (not that I ever will be...). She has a marvelous pre-K teacher, and only 8 kids in her class!
• Carolyn is officially giving up the afternoon nap, since she is starting afternoon school next week... it's been a bit of a rougher transition because she seems overtired a lot of the time, but we're hoping that with an earlier and more consistent bedtime, she'll even it out. I remember being pretty stoked when I got to go to afternoon kindergarten when I was 5 because I didn't have to have a nap/quiet time anymore- and she's excited too. :)
• I'm still working through a lot of emotions about the whole fertility situation... thanks to those of you who have asked how I'm doing. I am looking forward to hopefully having some answers, or at least some reassurance that we've taken care of everything we can. So far the basic testing we have both had has come out without obvious problems, so that's good, I guess... but still confusing not to know why we've had so much trouble when we've conceived relatively easily in the past (not immediately, but without significant difficulty before). Our appointment is September 20. I've been pretty emotional about it all lately- seriously broke down in tears in church yesterday just because it feels like pregnant women are everywhere, especially at church, and it's like this hurt that just won't heal and every time I see them it just rubs it raw again. I know I should be bigger than my emotions, and I try to be... but it's often all that I can do to just say hello and make basic conversation without bursting into tears. It's so far beyond simple jealousy at this point. It's just a painful reminder of what I so deeply desire and cannot have. :( Just been hard, no other way around it.
• In less depressing news, I've been working hard on revamping my Etsy shop because of a bunch of rule changes they've had recently, so that's been taking a ton of time, but it's one of those maintenance things that has to get done, so I'm doing my best to work through it all.
• I'm also training for the Chicago half-marathon coming up in less than 3 weeks! I'm a little nervous- 13.1 miles is a long way!! My sister Laura has been helping me train, and I'm so grateful for her help! We did 11 miles last Saturday and hoping for 11-12 on this Saturday before tapering down in prep for the big race. :) I sure hope I get to have that (pink!) 13.1 sticker on my car! 
• Brad's been trucking along at work- we all enjoy the nicer lifestyle of his not being on call as much!! :)

I think that's about it. :)

Picture Catch-Up

I haven't posted nearly enough pictures lately, so here are some to make up for it. 

When Emily and her family were visiting, we got to take the big girls to the barn to visit Nana's horse, Streaker. 

 Carolyn's sour expression in this picture has a lot more to do with the camera being out than the activity we were doing... she was truly excited to be there. :)

 Bringing Streaker in.

Saying hello- both girls were very gentle and sweet to the horse.

They seemed so fascinated by him- and he was very good and nice to them as well. :)

Both girls got to take a ride.

 Carolyn enjoyed her ride, but as soon as she saw this barn cat, she wanted off the horse so she could pet the cat. She loves cats so much; it's too bad we will never have one. :)

 At the end, the girls got to give Streaker some carrots.

 Everyone loved this part!

The girls were very careful to hold their hands open so Streaker could get the carrots easily.

Afterwards there were hot dogs and ice cream at the little red "caboose" restaurant on the way home. A fun day!

 Last weekend we had some dear friends come stay with us for the weekend, and had a marvelous time catching up with them, and reveling in the joy that only old friends, with depth of relationship grown over many years of friendship, can bring.

I love taking pictures at the beach. Something about the light is so pretty. Wish I knew more about how to make pictures look good!

 But these are two of my favorites of Nora. She actually went into the water a little way- next year no doubt she'll be swimming all around, but this year, she was pretty hesitant about getting in.

 But isn't she cute?

 Becca took this picture for me- love these girls!

 Carolyn is looking so grownup now. She is starting school in a couple weeks- eek!

We were glad that we had a great beach to use- so thanks Nana and Papa for letting us borrow your piece of sand for the evening! Carolyn loved drawing pictures and letters in the wet sand. 

The highlight of our friends' visit for Carolyn was the fact that  Miss Becca let her brush her hair as much as she wanted to. :) Carolyn decided at one point during the visit that she was going to go home with Miss Becca and brush her hair every day. It was a sad moment for her when she realized that she really wasn't going to be allowed to do that... but our friends only live a few hours away now, so I am sure we will go to visit!

 On Monday this week, we went to the Kent County Youth Fair, where all the 4H kids come to show their animals and stuff. It's a fun place to see lots of animals. Nora wasn't sure she wanted to see them at first. The sheep made a lot of unexpected loud sounds.

 But the bunnies were nice.

 Carolyn loved the whole thing. She was fascinated by all the different animals and wanted to touch EVERYTHING.

 And everyone loves ice cream. :)

Happy farm day!

 Monday night we had a "sleepover" at the cottage house. The kids had been begging for it... there wasn't a whole lot of sleep happening for kind of a long time, but we still got to wake up and have the morning at the cottage, which was really fun. a

The light was beautiful at the beach. My friend Ashely from http://ashleymadeonline.com is taking professional beach pictures for us in a couple weeks, so we're looking forward to that!

The weather has cooled off here so the water was cold. The girls still had fun in the sand, and Carolyn's dress got totally soaked anyway, from frequent trips to retrieve water. :)

Sister picture!! :) My mom always made us do that... and now I'm really glad. :) We take sister pictures whenever we are together now, by choice! :)

 And here are the girls with Nana. We are so glad we got a chance to spend some quality time with them this summer. What a blessing! We will miss them when they're gone!

 After a little time on the beach yesterday, we went to the blueberry place for some more blueberries.

 There was as lot of eating blueberries.

 But quite a lot of picking as well. :)

 I love the expressions on their faces in these pictures!

 Munch!

And I think THAT catches my blog up with pictures!! 

Miracles

I've been thinking a lot about miracles lately. Our Bible study this week kind of alluded to them, as Beth was talking about the moment in the story of Esther when the entire course of her life changes. Beth made the point that the real instant of abrupt turnaround, when God reached in and changed both Esther's life and the destiny of a nation,  was an everyday, ordinary moment that probably wasn't even recognizable by the characters in the story at the time it happened. She drew our attention to the idea that maybe one of the reasons why, when God does intervene in our lives, He does so in a way we don't expect, can't predict, and 100% cannot take credit for. When he "shows up" (of course, I know He's always there; but you know what I mean)- He wants to be the one that gets the credit, not the human players in the story. I guess that's kind of what a miracle is- something only He could do.

So often in life, I think I've talked glibly about "miracles," prayed for them for others, even professed to want one myself... but I think the truth is, most of us would rather not need one. I know that's true for me. Because if I really need a miracle... then that means I've come to the end of myself, the end of my (overdeveloped) ability to fend for myself and control things. I remember thinking (not out loud- you know, the kind of thinking you don't even want to acknowledge that you are having)- way back last summer when my ectopic first happened and I knew deep down that having that in my history could and might affect our ability to conceive again- that if we had "trouble" getting pregnant again, we'd just get all the medical help possible and "make" it happen. Even then, I didn't really bow the knee and fall before the Lord of life to ask Him to intervene in my life- after all, most people don't seem to really "need" a miracle to conceive a child. It just works.

Well, here we are. Having "trouble." On the brink of getting some of that medical help... and I think I'm beginning to believe that I do indeed stand in need of a miracle. Something beyond me, something I cannot attribute to myself or anything I have done... but something only God could do. It's humbling to be here. Embarrassing in a way. Fertility seems so easy to so many people around me. I want to be able to control it like that. I want to be able to influence it. I want to be able to do it without bowing before the true Creator of life. But I cannot. No matter what, it will have to be a miracle. Will you join me in praying for one? I cannot believe that a God who loves me, who cares for me more intimately than I can imagine, would have planted this deep longing and desire within my heart without a plan for how this fits into my story. Perhaps His purpose is to teach me, once again, to bend the knee.

I have been listening to a playlist on my ipod lately of a compilation of the "chapel CDs" from the college I went to (yea, over 10 years ago!)- and finding it a sweet reminder of the first time I truly did bend the knee. Only 19, I remember so clearly raising my hands before Him in surrender, knowing that I needed Him, knowing that my life had to be His, or it would stand for nothing, knowing that my "love" had to be His, or nothing I cared for would be "safe." It was simpler then. I was younger, knew less of life, knew less of pain, was both smarter and less worldy wise than I am now... but I had something right in that time of looking ahead at the yet-unmapped future, and choosing to trust Him with it.

We stand here, preparing for a new phase of the journey. We have our first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist/infertility specialist on September 20. Between now and then, the temptation to "mess with it" and try to set up the cards so I don't have to go to that appointment is strong. I don't really want to be there. :( But when I sat down this month to try yet another Clomid cycle, I just didn't have peace about it this time. I think this is the time for praying for a miracle rather than depending on my own wisdom to try to figure things out. God may choose to use the doctors and medical interventions... but I can't help but hope, and pray with confidence that I have a Lord who loves me, who hears my most intimate cry, and will not fail to answer me- that He will "show up" this time, and bring a true miracle into my life. Would you join me this next few weeks in praying for one? And if the answer continues to be "wait," would you pray for comfort for my heart? It has been so hard, and my heart just hurts. Pray for us to have wisdom as we seek treatment, and that we would continue through it all, to acknowledge the true Lord of life.

My Sweeties

It was one of those days when I just needed to take some pictures so I could sit down and look at them and remember how much I have to be grateful for. It's so easy to let circumstances and unfulfilled longings take over (I nearly burst into tears today at the Y when I saw a pregnant woman with her cell phone balanced on her cute belly; I've never wanted my stomach to be LESS flat as much as I wish it were now!)- and steal my joy in what is present. There are some times it affects me more than others, but it's starting to be more of an all-the-time ache than it used to be as time continues to pass, and people who got pregnant when I first wanted to be now have smiling 6 month olds! It's hard not to get caught up in the hurt and disappointment and fear... but if I do, I'll miss what's right in front of me. My uterus might be on strike right now, but I am still so blessed to be a mother. 

And these girls are pretty great.

 I love this picture of Carolyn; it somehow just looks like her personality right now. :) Plus, it's actually in focus, which is never a bad thing. :)

 Tonight they were throwing their Pooh bears around on the neighbors' trampoline, and having a marvelous time. :)

 Poor Nora is so skinny that nothing stays up on her behind, so she was continually having to yank her skirt up. :)

 Speaking of skinny, this girl's a little rail, too- I took her this week for her 5 year checkup. She is about 41.5 inches tall and not quite 36 pounds (with all her clothes on!). No wonder nothing stays up on her little waist either! It's so hard to find clothes that are right in both length and width... good thing she really likes to wear dresses and leggings.

 She's been dressing herself most mornings now, and finally I think that's going to stick. She is handling it well when I test her on not having the choice, so I think she's finally ready for that freedom. :) Yay! I was getting SO tired of having to pick out clothes for her!

 Love this action shot of Nora and Pooh. :) They sure do love those Pooh bears I got them! Funny how some ideas turn out to be great ones (like going to see the Pooh movie together last weekend and pulling their very own Pooh bears out of my magical bag when we sat down in the theater), and other ideas just FLOP- like taking cans to the store today to feed to the "can eater" (aka can recycling area)- it amused Carolyn for about 5 minutes, and terrified Nora- an hour and a half later, I left the store with a huge headache and $90-some dollars on groceries...

 I do love this pic of Nora too- it shows her chubby toddler legs and captures her constant motion. :)

And here is Carolyn explaining to me how to catch the Pooh bear she was going to throw off the tree house. :)

And this is the end of my post. I have so many other things to do this weekend with company coming and bows and writing projects to do... I'd better get some sleep since my brain is fried!