Why?

Today marks the one-year anniversary of the day I found out that we were going to lose the little baby we'd just started to get excited about. I wanted to write something to commemorate the day that was the beginning of the most spiritually stretching season of my life to date. I was going to talk about how much I learned through that painful period, how having had that experience has enabled me to minister to the many others who share that particular pain, how God has brought hope and life and meaning out of it and turned my tears into dancing and joy as I now have baby Nora to love and hold and celebrate. I was going to say something about lessons learned about trusting God.

Then this afternoon I received terrible news from a friend of mine. This week, she lost her baby at 36 weeks to a placental abruption. She had no known risk factors, an essentially normal pregnancy- then one day she woke up with severe stomach pain and by the time the doctors realized what was going on, it was too late to save the baby, and nearly too late to save my friend's life as well. I have been reeling from this news ever since I heard it. It just makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it, and yet I cannot stop thinking about it.

And suddenly, I find that all the same questions that have haunted me forever are back. WHY?! Why my friend? Even deeper and scarier... why NOT me? There are essentially no differences between us- we are both Christians, both have had generally happy, stable families and histories to date, we're just a couple months apart in age- in fact, she was the girl who I grew up thinking had the perfect life. So why has this happened to her, and why DIDN'T it happen to me? It seems so, just WRONG that something this senseless, this tragic could happen to anyone. This hits so close to home for me that it makes me feel so vulnerable. If God chose to allow her baby to be ripped from her womb when she clearly was far enough along to be born healthy and whole... why wouldn't He choose to take one of my precious children who are currently sleeping in the next room? It seems that tragedies and blessings are often doled out in ways and measures that defy human understanding. I just don't get it. And tonight, I'm asking WHY.

In some ways, the tragedies we fear are worse than those we actually experience. Although I know that what I went through a year ago was nothing compared to the devastation my friend is experiencing right now, it is my only point of reference, and for me, was the most painful experience I have ever had. It was time of rawness, of being thrown to my knees before the Creator of the universe, wondering in the depths of my soul whether He really was good, whether His plans for my life really were for my good. And what I remember most about that time was that He met me there and he answered my heart's cry.

And now I find myself crying it again- crying these why's for my friend, for her family- for myself because I know that there are no guarantees in this life. I really am every bit as vulnerable as I fear myself to be. It truly terrifies me. I do not think I could survive pain like that. My first inclination when I hear news like this is to hunker down with my collection of fears and anxieties and neuroses and try my best to gather them around myself as a sort of shield against the terrible things life sometimes brings. But since when has that ever been a helpful strategy?

I must force myself to fall back on the lessons "learned" (and yet, obviously not as well as I thought!) a year ago... Somehow, through it all, God MUST be good, MUST be sovereign, MUST have a plan I cannot see. Or else we are left with nothing but raw, gaping, emptiness and questions that have no answers. He, Himself must be the answer, or the tragedies of this life will surely destroy us.

Pray with me for my friend, "K," and her family, tonight, and in the days to come. Pray for me that I wouldn't let this eat me up inside as it has the potential to do. Obsessing about this will not help my friend and will only hurt my family.

What's New

I started this post almost an hour ago. We have a new friend in the house. His name is Max. Our first Mac. We've heard so many friends sing the praises of Macs and boo Windows Vista that when it was time to get a new computer, we bought the new 13 inch MacBook. I really liked it a lot until tonight, when I hit my first major hurdle with the new machine. I couldn't get my pictures to upload to Blogger... and problem solving is a lot harder when you don't really "know" the operating system you're working with. I grew up with PCs- and know their "language" from lifelong immersion... the Mac is a totally new beast to me. Brad's better with this stuff. He rescued me when I was nearly in tears over not being able to get pictures to upload (it's been LONG day), and he fixed the problem.
Brad is also sitting at another new acquisition: our little, cute cast iron patio table and chairs from (where else?) Costco! I love it! We've been enjoying some nice Spring dinners outside the past few days.
Nora enjoys the nicer weather and the breeze in her hair.
I like this picture of Carolyn- hair all messy and blown about, face all covered with Cheeto cheese. It fits her personality right now.
The tulips are coming out in my garden, and each year they are bigger and prettier than ever! Spring is really finally here!
Nora has been learning a new lesson: sleeping without being swaddled. She starts daycare next week and I just think the sleep sack is a lot less complicated for her caregiver to deal with, and probably safer, too. She doesn't really NEED the swaddling anymore; it's just a sleep association, and she's learning to control her arms better now that we've had her out of it for a few days. But she still doesn't sleep as deeply or as long, so I'm just thoroughly exhausted from nursing every 2-3 hours around the clock- she's averaged 9 to 10 feedings a day for the past few days!
But she wakes up so cheerful, and even when I'm at my wits end, somehow her smile always melts my heart and reminds me again of why I love being a mom.

And check out those baby blue eyes! If she's like Carolyn, the bright blueness of them will probably give way to more grays and greens, but it looks like we may have defied the genetic odds in favor of brown eyes again! But of course, that story's far from written yet, and genetics may yet win out... but she'll be beautiful no matter what!
She enjoys her toys; she'll smile really big when something fun comes her way. She smiles more than her sister did at this age... Carolyn always needed to figure stuff out and would want to know you before she'd grin at you; Nora just loves to smile at just about anything or anyone. I'm glad because Battles With The Toddler have made me feel decidedly UN-smiley lately, so it's nice that someone in the house is so happy! :)
She is growing so strong, too! She can hold her head up quite steadily when she's on her tummy- and she has even started rolling over from her tummy to her back. It almost seems a bit accidental still, though; she'll kind of lose her balance, tip over to one side, and flip over. But she's done it lots of times the past few days, so I think it counts.
We got out the Bumbo Seat tonight... it was a whole new experience for her... but on the whole I think she really liked being able to be upright and see what's going on around her.
My favorite moment of the day today- a preview of things to come! Big Sister "doing" Little Sister's hair!

Observation Night- Take Two

Monday night we had our second (and last) observation night of the year at Dance Class. As much as I as a mom look forward to this night because I can finally see what she's been up to in there with all the shrieking and peppy music I hear on the other side of the wall... I think Miss Kym (and the kids) are glad it isn't every night. As accustomed to cameras as Carolyn ought to be since she's been surrounded by them every day since she was born... for some reason all the people and cameras and excitement in the room really seemed to freak her out this time. At first all she wanted was for me to hold her. I had to get up and do some of the dances with the 2 year olds to help her break out of her shell and want to participate... but she eventually did and I loved seeing how much she's grown as a little dancer in the last six months- and more than anything, how much fun she has doing it.

She loves to run and watch herself in the big mirror.
None of my pictures are great quality because the kids were moving too fast and I wasn't supposed to use a flash... but you can see her having a great time. :)
Jump!
Here she is being a "star," walking the straight line on her tippy toes with the hands above her head. :)
All the kids piled up on the other side of the room on these mats to wait for each other little girl to have a turn to be a "star."
And here is the special part of class where they each actually GET their own star, drawn in Sharpie marker by Miss Kym on their hands. :)
Bless you, Miss Kym! You do such a great job with all those energetic two-year-olds!!

I'm already late for my "day" today so I didn't have time to put together a compilation of the video we took, so I will simply leave you with "Milkshake," which was easily the best (and funniest) part of the whole night! :)

Warming Up!

Finally, Spring seems to be moving in... hopefully we will have no more snow days for a few months of glorious weather anyway... :) It'll be blustery and chilly sometimes for sure in the next month or so, but more days than not we'll probably be able to get outside, which is a VERY GOOD THING. I hate feeling trapped in the house.
On Wednesday we packed a "snack picnic" and took it to the park.
Nora was all squinty smiles lying on the blanket in the bright sun. She seemed to enjoy all the new things to see and the feeling of the wind in her hair.
Carolyn was in heaven because I let her play in the deserted volleyball court with all the sand.
She spent about an hour and a half just shoveling around in there.
After work Daddy joined us and he and Carolyn built Sand Mountain.
One day I will take a photography class and learn how to make my pictures look all cool and stuff- but even though I'm sure I did something to make the light look like that, I kind of like it that the mountain is in focus and Carolyn is smiling blurrily behind it.
Today it was actually warm enough for short sleeves and sunny enough to need a little cute sun hat. :)
In this picture I sort of feel like Nora looks like me. Something in her face. Most of the time I think she looks more like Brad, but here I see myself in her. Also, note the drool bubbles. She has been drooling up a storm! After a whole day of being soaked in spitup, drool, and poo (she got her rotavirus vaccine earlier this week and it has caused some digestive disturbance... thank goodness for Totally Toddler stain remover spray; it's saved many outfits this week!)- I need another shower!!

First Shots :(

Today we took Nora to her (circa) two-month appointment. She had six different vaccines today, and has been just pooped ever since!

Her shirt is appropriate- she is our Peanut. She weighs 10 pounds 3 ounces (about 27th percentile), and is 22.4 inches long (about 30th percentile). I forgot the head circumference number. She looks very much like her sister, but she's about a pound and a half smaller than Carolyn was at this age. I was kind of worried about her growth pattern, but our doctor said Nora is growing just right along the same line on the growth chart and all her stats are increasing just as they should, so she's just a smaller little person, and that's just okay! Besides, it's fun to be able to have her wear her cute little clothes a bit longer than average! She finally really fits her 3 month clothes without looking like she's drowning in them.

Overall, the appointment went well; Nora is doing great. So far no real response to the shots besides being extra sleepy and cuddly... and I don't mind that! :)

Costumes!

At dance class last night, we finally got to see the recital costumes we paid (way too much!) for. They are so adorable!! Carolyn loves the tutu. :)
The girls practiced their dance for us in their costumes once before we changed them back and had to leave the room. Carolyn pretty much just stared at herself in the mirror as she shook that tutu around the whole time- I couldn't stop laughing at her. Next week is Watch Day, so mommies and daddies can watch the whole class; hopefully we'll get some more video of her this time. :)
Here is Carolyn with her two pals Rachel (left) and Allie (middle). It's been really fun for her to do this class with them, and I enjoy spending that hour passing baby Nora around with their mommies. :)

Easter Dresses!

Easter at our house this year was a nice mix of what each of us remembers from childhood Easters. We "did" the Easter Bunny Irving style- he hid eggs and a special basket around the house for Carolyn (Nora got an Easter present, too, but there was no point in a basket for her...). Then we got them dressed up in their pretty, new dresses and took a million pictures- just like I remember from Easters of yore (though I did not and hopefully will never make Carolyn sleep on pink rollers to make her hair curly :)). And then we went to church and celebrated the true meaning of Easter, which, of course, is really what it's all about.

But I can't say I'm not pleased with how cute these girls looked. :) [can you tell we "paid" Carolyn in jelly beans for her cooperation and lots of toothy "cheese" smiles?] Of course, no one has to pay Nora to look cute in her sweet baby way... :)

Easter Eggs!

We took Carolyn to the Hudsonville Easter Egg hunt. Carolyn was so excited! It was a major test of her impulse control not to cross the line and go pick up eggs before they said it was time!
Our family... as you can see behind us, the place was just crawling with people!! I think since the last two Easters have been so cold and snowy the planners weren't expecting so many people!! The "hunt" was total chaos! Carolyn only got 3 eggs- and a few kids didn't get any.
We had a little more luck with our living room Easter egg hunt. :)
She was so excited to find and collect her eggs!
She was so happy every time she found one.
Isn't she cute?

Generally Adorable

My little smiler. She's so cheerful and sweet! I can't believe she'll smile with a camera in sight! :) Carolyn never really liked it...
I found this adorable skirt on sale the other day and it reminded me so much of Carolyn that I had to buy it; it's a little big for her (I had to use a chip clip to hold it on...) but she loves it- it spins out when she turns. I'm living vicariously through her because I have always wanted a skirt like that.
Nora loves the butterfly mobile... even more than Carolyn did... when it's naptime, we just wrap her up, give her the pipe, and turn the mobile on and she's happy as a clam. :)
Carolyn's really had a chance since Nora was born to bond even more with Daddy. They're even starting to look more like each other! :)

The Real Meaning

I am often glad that I go to a church where we sing the old hymns, for many reasons. I appreciate the the connection that hymns bring to the faith of the centuries; the good theology; the familiarity of them- and the fact that when I sing some of the hymns that were her favorites, I feel like some part of my Granny is still with us.

I was nearly brought to tears a few times this morning in church as we sang the same, precious old songs I remember singing as a small child in Granny and Papa's "big church" in San Antonio, TX. The accent up here in the frozen North is a little different from the Texas drawl... but the words are the same. I've celebrated the Resurrection every year for as long as I can remember... but it had a special meaning to me this year, because this is the first time I have celebrated Easter after someone I loved and who was a big part of my life went to be with Jesus.

Today we sang Christ the Lord is Risen Today and I just choked up when I sang the words "Lives again our glorious King... Where O Death is now thy sting... Once He died our souls to save.. Where thy victory O Grave?!" My Granny believed those words and lived her life for the One who gave His life for hers. Her earthly shell is buried in the ground in a Texas cemetery...but her life did not end when she breathed her last breath... the Granny I knew is today celebrating the Resurrection in away I can only imagine.

This is what Easter is all about. Not bunnies or eggs, or pretty dresses... it's about an empty tomb; Christ's resurrection as the firstborn of all those who believe in Him and will rise again after Him. Our pastor gave a really powerful message of hope for us all; one day, sooner or later, I will join my Granny on the "other side" and so many of the things I give my time and attention and money to just won't matter anymore. Naked we come into this world and naked we leave it. But what great HOPE the resurrection brings to those who believe! This world is NOT all that there is! I was glad for the reminder of what this day really means. Tomorrow I will post some of my (many) pictures of Carolyn and Nora and pretty dresses and eggs and bunnies... but for today, I just want to remember and celebrate what Jesus did for me.

"And then one day, I'll cross the River.
I'll fight life's final war with pain.
And then as death gives way to victory.
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!"
-Because He Lives (hymn)

More Comparisons

Brad and I were talking last night about how much the girls look alike... and also how Nora is starting to take on her own distinctive appearance. Here are a couple of pictures of Carolyn right around 2 months old. What do you think?This picture I think could be either one of them! I'd have to go by the season of clothes and the fact that Carolyn's wearing that big pink headband to know which one it is! For some reason, though they fit her now, I just haven't used Carolyn's headbands for Nora. For one thing, Nora hates them and tends to cry whenever I put one on her (it falls into her eyes and she does not like that)- and also, I just like Nora to look like herself... and for another thing, I like making the little bows I've been putting in her hair. I think she has about fifty now! It's fun to be able to just twist one out to match an outfit exactly.
This smile reminds me of this open-mouthed smile picture of Nora. However, I think Nora looks least like Carolyn when she is smiling.

Carolyn definitely had the rolls going! Nora has finally seemed to hit her stride just this week with nursing... I wonder if she'll still stay such a tiny thing or if she'll start to get all rolly like Carolyn was?

Two Months!

Nora is two months old today!! It's really funny the difference between the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first several months of a new baby's life. My good friend Krysia is three days past her due date and just aching to be DONE being pregnant so that each day feels like it's about a week long... whereas, I feel like time has suddenly clicked on the hyperdrive and is speeding by so fast I just can't even keep track of the scenery! Two months old? How can that be?

Nora is still just a little peanut size-wise, but she has definitely progressed in this month past that newborn stage and into the sweet cuddly lap baby stage. She has developed much greater upper body strength and holds herself so well! She's so strong! She is obviously able to see much farther than she could before, and just drinks in the world around her. She is a very happy, sweet baby, and now that she's figured out how to smile, she just does it all the time for the joy that is just built-in within her. She is truly a blessing to our family.

She is beginning to settle into a bit of a more predictable routine. Nora doesn't like to eat large volumes at a time, so she makes up for that by eating fairly frequently throughout the day. She eats about every 2-3 hours during the day- about 8 or 9 times per day. She usually has her last feeding between 9 and 10, wakes up between 2 and 3am and again around 6am, and then gets up for the day around 8 or 9. It's really a sleep schedule I can work with. :) She still sleeps alot during the day- she's just a high sleep-need kid, just like her sister. Nora needs to go take a nap about an hour after she eats or she begins to get overtired and overstimulated... and that's never a good thing.

So, to sum, Nora is just a delight. I could not be more thrilled that she is my daughter! And now, here are some pictures of Nora at two months old. Enjoy!
Is starting to love the animals hanging over her play mat (though she would still rather be held all the time!)
Silly, goofy face.
Little flirt.
Holds her head up quite well now.
Becoming so interactive (Daddy is leaning over my shoulder making faces at her). She loves it.
She loves those hanging lambies! :)