One On One

One thing we have tried to do since Carolyn became a big sister is to make sure that we get some "big girl time" in with her as often as we can. As Nora is growing, I'm finding that she too needs some 1:1 Mommy time and I always enjoy the moments I'm able to take out to just enjoy each girl on her own. Today I had a very unusual kid-free day. I usually work Wednesdays but because I have to work 2 weekends in a row due to a staffing situation, I was off today, but the girls were still scheduled to be at "school," so I took most of the day to do boring stuff that's hard to get done when they're around. I wrapped up early and picked Carolyn up from school early and took her to get some ice cream. I think that quality time (or maybe it's sweets :)) must be a love language she has because she just lit up like a Christmas tree when she realized she was going to get to do something special just with Mommy. I had such a fun time just sitting next to her enjoying our ice cream and blowing bubbles together with 2 straws in our cup of water.

Sometimes it can be harder than I'd have imagined before I became a parent to really get down on her level and try to see the world like she does. There just always seems to be "something" to distract me. When you live your days just putting out fires and dealing with whatever's the most pressing at any certain moment, it can be really hard to just STOP and take a break with your child. I'm trying very hard to rework my thinking- to do better about planning ahead so that I am more intentional about my days and hours and moments with these girls so that, hopefully, I will make the most of every opportunity to celebrate the amazingness of who they are during these fleeting days of childhood. Today was a good reminder of how important that really is. I need to do this kind of thing more often!

Eggstravaganza!

Today we had all the playgroup kiddos over for our sort of annual Easter Extravaganza... each year I try to bite off more than I can chew around this time of the year since I love putting events like this together and dreaming up ideas for fun things to do together, but then finding I don't have the resources necessary to make a fantastic event with my sanity intact... This year, thankfully, I had some help from my friends who knew enough to know that I'd never ask because I wouldn't realize I needed help until I was neckdeep in last minute arrangements- and the whole thing went off really well, I think!

We colored Easter eggs first and I don't have any pictures because I was trying to coordinate the event and then at the end, I was trying to avoid getting soaked in green vinegar solution as I allowed Nora the chance to dye an egg or two... she was delighted, but she made a big mess!

After lunch the big kids had an egg hunt. It was kind of funny to see how different they all are! Carolyn was most interested in the colors she was collecting; Aidan lost interest after a few eggs and got sidelined to the neighbors' swingset; Taylor and Caimon seemed mostly into running around and picking up the eggs; but Rachel was the funniest! She was the most efficient egg gatherer I have ever seen! She picked up two whole basketfuls out there! I think my friend Heather should get some chickens because this girl can collect eggs! To be fair, we did divvy up the eggs when the kids came in the house so each kid got the same amount of "stuff" but we did have a laugh at how differently they all approached the same experience.

Nora wasn't quite big enough to hunt eggs; she sat in the grass and looked cute. Thanks, Christi, for the great picture!

She was very pleased when all the big kids brought their eggs over and she got a chance to sift through the loot.

I tried to take a picture of the girls and the eggs, but around the time I got the camera out, Nora dropped one of her eggs with the above response... she was SO upset! This little girl can be VERY emotional sometimes! Looking forward to the teenage years...

We did manage to get a picture of all the kids who were big enough to go outside: Taylor, Caimon, Rachel, Carolyn, Nora, and Aidan.

And thanks to Brad we got a nice shot of most of our group- Isaac (Aidan's baby brother) fell asleep before we decided to go for a photo op. I'm really thankful that I have this great group of girls to do life with!

For Phase Three of our party (as if the kids needed any more stimulation... :)) we had Rice Krispy treat eggs for the kids to dunk in chocolate and sprinkles. It went really great- what a wonderful idea, Christi! They were all a little hyped up on sugar at this point, but we had a great time all the same. :)

Carolyn was really excited to have free license with all those sweets.

Mostly she dipped her fingers in the chocolate and sprinkles and just ate it right there.

Obviously, she had a wonderful time!

Not Gonna Miss This

It was another stellar weekend in the retail world. I'm at the end of over 20 hours behind the counter in 2 days and I admit, I'm feeling a little sour and grouchy! Not every day is as un-fun as the last couple have been, but this weekend has to go down as one of the worst I've ever worked. The people I work WITH are super awesome and are the silver lining on the grouch clouds... but the people we flog ourselves out to serve... are not always so super awesome.

In more philosophical moments, I sometimes muse about how a single life in a job like mine touches so many others- hundreds of people came in and out of my pharmacy today- people with their own relationships, their own troubles, their own "stuff" going on- and their many little spheres bumped up against mine today. And I guess it's just human to think only about how the interface affects you and not consider the deeper stuff that might be taking place below the surface in the life of the person you're interacting with. Some of the people I saw today are probably really hurting in their own personal lives and I wonder if I was part of making their day better... or worse... I try really hard to be part of making things better... and maybe it's because I try so hard and put so much of my emotional energy into my job that I come home exhausted without a whole lot left after a couple days there... maybe it's because I'm so invested in what I do that it makes me so frustrated when the needy masses aren't nearly as appreciative as I think they should be!

Customer service jobs are really not for the faint of heart or the oversensitive of soul. I wonder how many people I came in contact with today thought for even one second about how our interaction affected ME as the one attempting to provide service for them; customer service people seem to be just the bottom of the food chain, a repository for complaints, a scapegoat to bear the brunt of blame. It exhausts me to be constantly belittled and poorly treated over issues that, while they are (often) real issues, are really not my fault! It can be so wearing sometimes to have to accept whatever nasty things people have to say to you and just paste on a smile and keep on going. I am NOT going to miss that!

But as I think about my day today and my recent experiences at the pharmacy where we are working on a new computer system with all sorts of resulting delays and breaches in our usual quality customer service record, I wonder what kind of customer I am when I am on the other side of the counter, or the grocery store register, or in line for something. It really says a lot about the person the way they behave when inconvenienced. Some people throw a grown-up sort of tantrum at the slightest provocation, while others can find the patience to sit through long delays without making a peep. I really hope I am one of the latter sort of customer to deal with and that I never forget what it is like to be on the other side of that transaction! But I think I will be thankful to take a break from the frequent reminders!

My Favorite Word

Nora's started saying "mommy" this week!! :) Nothing like hearing that sweet word from little baby lips! [it's even still fun to hear it when it's your 3-year-old calling you from the bathroom in her tell-tale singsong voice!] Nora has been saying "da da" for a few weeks now, and also says "hi," "izzat," "da" (dog), and "duh" (duck). She signs "more" and "please." I'm excited to see her language start to take off now that she's pretty much solved the walking challenge. It's so cool to start to be able to see into her sweet little mind. :)

Growing Up!!

I've been meaning to sit down and do this post about Carolyn for awhile now... but every night when I sit down to blog I'm just so tired I can't think straight. Morning posts tend to be better when I actually need to think about what I'm writing.

I want to remember this stage in Carolyn's life, because it really seems like we are coming to a turning point. With Nora you can sense a difference in her just week to week... with Carolyn it's not always as easy to see the changes because they are most subtle and slower- but looking her and interacting with her the other day I did that mental double take that made me realize that she was not the same child she had been just a few weeks before! She is growing into this amazing little person. I will tell about it at length in the rest of this post, so you can move on if you're not ready for a novel. :)

Carolyn has always been very verbal. She has always had something to say and been able to communicate it in a way that sometimes makes you wonder when you interact with her if she isn't somehow older than her small stature would suggest. Lately it seems that she's taken another mental leap and suddenly she is saying things and telling more and more detailed stories. I wish I could remember the one I wanted to put on the blog, but if I don't write it down, I lose it! She's "reading" whole books to herself or to her sister or stuffed animals and starting to put together things she's read with things she sees in the world. One of our books has a part in it where Torchy the firefly sees "all manner of lights." And for the last few weeks every time we round a certain curve in the highway when we're on the way to her "school," she sees the streetlights and says "Mommy, all manner of lights!!"

She has taken a big step in maturity in the last few weeks. She still struggles with anger (probably always will, just like her mom...) and knowing how to find self control in moments when she feels she's been wronged, but we are seeing fewer and fewer "fits" and when she does have them, we all know exactly how to handle them so they've stopped being as much of a central part of home life for us (thank goodness!)

Bedtime has started going much more smoothly- we have found a routine that is working for us for now. After we read stories together, she gets to have about 15 minutes of "book time" in her room with a couple of books to read quietly. Then after book time come some of my favorite moments in the day- I'm not sure exactly how we got started doing this, but she likes to ask to "talk to me" and she'll curl up in my lap and we'll talk. We trade stories- I tell her a story and she tells me one about her day or what she's thinking. The story she's most frequently requested lately is the "Disneyland story" from last summer when we went there. Key features of the story: meeting Tinkerbell, Ariel, Jasmine, and Belle (Belle is always last because she was the most special); going on the rides that were scary at first but then fun (need to mention the Dumbo ride, the spinning teacups, the It's a Small World ride, and the spaceship ride, in that order); the parade where we almost lost her because she was climbing up on a platform to try to get to Mary Poppins; and finally the fireworks at the end of the day that were beautiful. It makes me laugh how she is so particular about the story!

And I love the little "windows" she gives me into her heart when she tells me something about her own day (with a little prompting). I hope we are laying the foundation now for a nightly tradition that can continue as she grows because I want her to feel safe talking to me about the things that impact her little world. I want to know her as she continues to grow into her own person. Although we'll always be mother and daughter, the sense that she is an extension of me that I felt for quite a while after she was born, has faded and she is now becoming ever more an individual. I want to remind myself to respect that, to teach her about how infinitely valuable she is just because God made her to be her own self.

Before the day starts and I lose the ability to think I want to just say that the thing that makes me most proud of Carolyn right now is how she is really beginning to internalize some of the values we have worked so hard over the past several months to teach her. She is starting to think more about others, starting to have a greater sensitivity to the concept of right and wrong. She is much more responsive to correction. It seemed like an impossible idea when we first heard about first-time obedience, but she is actually getting it! She does come about 80-90% of the time when she is called, no matter what she is doing, and she looks me in the eye and say "yes Mommy!" It's starting to become a real habit for her and not something that she does because she is afraid of being disciplined. It's like in the last few weeks she has discovered that there is JOY in doing what is right. She is obeying now more and more of the time with a happy heart. I'm pretty sure we can't take the credit for this amazing parenting achievement- it is most likely a product of finally stopping fighting bedtime and getting enough sleep on a regular basis, her own growing maturity, and the results of greater consistency on our part with her.

Seeing some of these changes in Carolyn makes me realize afresh how important our job as parents is- when we are "on," and giving her that consistency and especially a stable home environment where family time and husband/wife time is a priority, she (and Nora too) benefits so greatly!

I'm of course sure that this peaceful phase probably won't last... in a week or two I may well be pulling my hair out again, but for now, it's nice to just enjoy my sweet girl and the lovely young lady she is turning out to be. :)

Simple Joys

It's amazing how the simplest things make kids smile.

The other day we had a coffee table delivered to our house. It came in three boxes. The girls had all sorts of fun climbing on it. :)

And on a whim, I bought these bells on sticks at the Women's Expo when I was working the other weekend.

Nora loves them. Mostly she loves trying to eat them like suckers. I'm sure they're laced with lead and not really the best for mouthing... so I try to take them away when she does that- she doesn't like that very much at all...

They're kind of the perfect toy for her right now- she can hold one in each hand as she waddles along, honing her constantly improving walking skills. One day I'll get around to another post on the Great Little Walker. Not tonight. Got a movie on the docket for tonight...

My "Secret Lab"

When we finished the basement I had a little room put in for me to work on my hair clips and whatever other craft projects strike my often-changing fancy. :) It's become one of my favorite places in the house! The kids aren't allowed in there and I can work as messily as I want to and leave all my stuff right where I want it so I can come and go as I please. Yesterday I got to spend a couple glorious hours in the Secret Lab (so called because of the famous scene in the Emperor's New Groove where Yzma says to Cronk "To the secret lab!" I always imagine myself in the movie in that scene when I go down to my little place of peace and quiet in a sometimes-hectic home!)

I was at the fun stage of my latest bow-making project: putting it all together! I finished about 50 clips yesterday! About half Nora will wear and the other half I'm collecting to try to sell at some craft shows or consignment sales in the coming months. The little business will never pay anything close to what I could make as a pharmacist but as I see our/my disposable income dwindling as I make the transition to SAHM, I'm excited for these little projects because they pay just enough to give me a little extra spending $$ but not so much that I have to account for it in the budget! :) And besides, it is such a release for me to do something creative with my time... and this is one of the things I think will keep me in touch with that part of myself that is just "me" when I step out of the workaday world. I'm looking forward to lots more hours in the Secret Lab, many more fun hair clips, and maybe even getting started on the blue jean quilt like my mom's that I've always wanted to make! :)

Amazing Easter Pictures

I hope you enjoy these pictures as much as I did! Melanie did an AMAZING job!! I loved how the girls' Easter dresses looked in the crisp, clean light of an early spring day with just a hint of green in the grass. Melanie's incredible talent and some really cute bunnies and ducklings just made the day. There's a good chance if you come to our house anytime soon you'll see some of these pictures on our wall- and these are just some of my favorites! I got almost 30 pictures out of the deal and they are all great. :) You should go to her website and check her out; also find her on Facebook and become one of her fans! She's amazing.

This picture is my favorite! I'm hoping to blow it up big and put it on our basement wall. Isn't Nora so cute with the baby bunny?

A 100% Carolyn faceBoth girls enjoyed Dolly, the Giant Bunny. Yes, she is real. :)

I wasn't planning on having my picture taken... but somehow I ended up in a few.

Although I wish my neck didn't look like a wrinkly old elephant's neck in this picture, I love the emotion of it. :)

Quite apart from the pictures, it was a cool opportunity for the girls to get up close and personal with these amazing animals.

And Carolyn especially just loved it!

The whole experience really just fit with her precious "pixie" personality!

Check out those amazing eyelashes!!

A beautiful day, two beautiful girls, and some memories to keep forever. :) Thanks Melanie!!

On the Horizon

I took these pictures of my children the other morning as they were bouncing with each other and playing together on the bed... such pure joy, such light in their eyes and happiness in their hearts. Pure, clean lives full of opportunity and as yet untouched by the disappointments and troubles of this world.

And as I watched them beginning to learn to love each other, to have the kind of special relationship only sisters can have... I was profoundly thankful that this summer, I am going to have a new job description: Stay At Home Mom (aka SAHM).

I say this with both pride because I truly do believe that there is no more important role than that of mother... and with a measure of the opposite emotion, because there is a small part of me that feels a little like a failure because I cannot do it all. ,

This decision has been a long time in coming, but I really didn't realize it. The past week or two has just been that point in a journey where you come to a higher place and the clouds clear for just a second and you can look behind you on the path you came on and realize how the Lord was leading- even in situations you could not have imagined were building toward this moment, this time, this watershed point of decision. And because I am a writer and this my "space" to document my life, this blog would not be honest or complete if I did not take a few minutes to describe the journey.

I will be the first to admit that I have a problem with pride, and one of the last to actually do anything about it. If I'm honest with myself, I can see that I sort of patted myself on the back for somehow managing to maintain a professional life at the same time as taking care of my children at home. I saw stay at home moms and while one part of me envied them for being able to devote all their time to their children, another part of me sort of felt a little smug for being able to do both. I truly have loved my years as a pharmacist/mommy and have up until recently felt like the balance worked really well for our family.

But somehow over the last few months, each area of my life began to become more and more demanding as the business needs of my job started to change and intensify at the same time as our family needs became greater and greater. And I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer do it all. It is sort of a relief to me to say that. I cannot do it all. I cannot be a great pharmacist for a great company AND be the very best wife and mother that I could be to my particular family in our particular situation.

I think there are lots of good ways to be a mom and find that balance between work and motherhood. You can be a great mom if you work full time, part time, or stay home. I truly believe this decision is very individual and specific to the particular family and the particular time in that family's history. For us, we are entering a time in our family's history where my husband's job is becoming more and more demanding. He is working very hard to develop his OB/GYN practice and this requires significant sacrifices both on his part and on our family's. If he had a normal 9-5 job, I'd probably keep working because I still love what I do professionally. But he does not have a 9-5 job. He is on that pager 24/7 and since it can go off at any moment, I cannot count on him to care for the girls if I'm not around. This makes childcare challenging- and often a bit unpredictable, which doesn't really work all that well with a typical retail pharmacy schedule which includes a night and weekend hours! It isn't really fair for me to expect to not cover my share of nights and weekends at work, but it presents a huge challenge for our family! This was a major factor in our decision.

Probably even more important than that were the things we learned in our Growing Kids God's Way discipleship parenting course. This experience has revolutionized our family and completely altered the way we think about parenting and family life. We are far more intentional about the days given to us because we have gotten the sense of how short they are and how critical these early years of training really are for our children. This is our best opportunity to teach these girls and train them in righteousness, to reinforce the timeless truths of God's word into their little hearts and allow the seeds planted to grow in the power of His Spirit, that they may come to know their Creator and Savior. There is no higher calling than this. And the truth is, I just could not fulfill the role I want to play in their lives in this season with a divided heart.

I've lost quite a bit of sleep over this situation over the past few months. I've tried every way I can think of to continue to do both... and each door I've looked at to try it a new way seems to be closed and the one door left open is the one I am now convinced He has for me to walk through. A new season is beginning. One with quite a bit less less disposable income- and so fewer Gymboree outfits, Amazon.com purchases, and more budgeting and eating what's on sale! One with college and retirement savings accounts that have to grow more slowly than they could. One with far less worldly approval. One where the professional sacrifice of some years outside the work force mounts an unknown cost to future dreams of re-entering the pharmacy world.

But yet this is a season that quivers with undiscovered potential! I hope to come to the end of these lightning-fast years when my children are small and feel as though I was able to pour the very best of myself into them. To know that I held my arms open for the Lord's will and that I did not miss out on any of His blessings because I had my own plan.

And so I approach the final few months of my almost-five years at the pharmacy. I have given my notice for the second week in July, hoping by giving them several months to find a great replacement for me and to go through some other changes that are happening, that I will be able to smooth the transition for them, to avoid burning bridges, to continue to be the best pharmacist I can be as they seek a replacement for me and go through their own staffing changes. And yet I look to July and all the adventures in Mommyland that await me when I can hang up my white coat for awhile and just revel in the little moments, like these.

Oh, what fun we will have!!

A Preview

A friend of mine took these pictures on Friday of the girls in their Easter dresses. She's just starting to build up a client base here and she was offering a real steal of a deal for some AMAZING pictures. She had real bunnies and ducklings and did an awesome photo shoot for us- and we get to keep the pictures! She has some real talent and you should all go check out her website at http://www.melaniedisbrowphotography.com/ Like I said, AMAZING! And these are just the first couple; I know she took more, and the girls looked so adorable in their "fairy" dresses. It was just perfect.

The Peanut Restaurant

Tonight we went out with some friends to Carolyn's favorite restaurant (aka the Peanut Restaurant, aka Logan's Roadhouse). It's one of those places where there are peanuts and peanut shells all over the floor. It's always crowded, especially on the weekends when the whole town turns up to eat there. We call ahead for seating but we still end up waiting awhile- which is really fun with the peanut shell strewn floor and a budding walker who's still intensely interested in anything small and possibly dirty on the floor.

It wasn't our best experience with going out to eat since Carolyn skipped the nap today to hang out with some friends and was consequently a bit edgy and needy during dinner and Nora was just plain cranky, but we still had fun and enjoyed spending time with friends; however, next time we are going to an adult restaurant and getting a sitter for the kids!!

It wasn't my most prepared dinner experience; I forgot to bring a sippy cup for Nora, so I was reduced to offering her strawsful of milk to pacify her at dinner.

In the end, though, I think she thought it was a fun game. :)

The Little Walker

Now you can all stop barking at me to show you the video (DAD, MOM!!) Here's our little walker- taking off into the wider world; ready to go! Each day she walks a little bit more than the last time. I think the Ear Infection has set us back a little on the road to being 100% upright; she still crawls when she really wants to get someplace- but we're getting there. :) It's fun to watch her toddle along!

You'd Never Know...

That this sweet smiling little girl was the same one who was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night, crying, crying, CRYING... no matter what we did to try to fix it!! After the long day we both had and the challenging evening we had last night... being up from midnight to 2am was not much fun at all!

We're not sure what caused the sleep disruption... maybe the angry diaper rash... or I'm suspicious that her ears may be getting worse again (see above picture)... sigh... another copay, more drugs, possibly an ENT consult... spring can't come soon enough!! I've had quite enough of ear infections to last me for awhile... Here's hoping we all get some sleep tonight!!

Meltdown of the Year

I'm totally over ear infections. We've had quite a run of it the last month or two! I added it all up in my head today and between multiple doctor's appointments and prescriptions for each of these poor little girls' ears, we've spent over $200 just on EAR INFECTIONS in the past 2 months! Yeep! I can think of a lot of things I'd rather have done with $200.

Carolyn has been on antibiotics for an ear infection for almost a week for a right-sided ear infection; then in the middle of the night last night she woke up screaming with LEFT ear pain- a wonderful new infection brewing right in the face of the beloved Pink Medicine! Thankfully Daddy was able to go in to the office late today so Carolyn could pay her$30 copay again to find out that she needed a different antibiotic. So she came to visit me at work for her Omnicef (aka Yummy White Medicine... as opposed to the Yucky White Medicine that Nora has to take...)

Historically, Carolyn has had a rather low pain tolerance (no one who lived through the Christmas of 2007 with us will forget the time she had hand foot and mouth disease and SCREAMED with the pain so hard that she almost didn't even seem to know me!) and tonight was no exception. We had the Meltdown of the Year tonight- in stereo!! Enjoy the pictures... it was so pathetic I had an inkling it might be funny later... and now that the house is (finally) quiet... I find my sense of humor returning... and it sort of is funny. :)

This was what "dinner" looked like in our home tonight. Both the girls screamed through the whole thing and I just kept counting the seconds until Daddy came home!
How sad...
Just deplorable. What a terrible place. Food's just no good (didn't you know I HATE SPAGHETTIOS!!!) I'm tired, and nothing feels right. My sister is screaming and I think I will too.

However.... behold the Power of Elmo!! Wish I'd thought of it a little sooner... but as soon as the furry monsters came on TV, both the girls settled down quite a bit.

And Carolyn eventually ate a little cereal and soothed her sore ear with a frozen teether wrapped in a washrag...
And she started to feel better. :) Then Superdaddy came home with a Get Well balloon and some ear drops for the pain... and the world started to look like it might be worth living in again.

Oh, and the icing on the cake of this day? It was Brad's birthday today! So happy birthday honey... we'll celebrate it for real tomorrow!