Birthday Eve

Tonight is Carolyn's Birthday Eve! :) The long-awaited Birthday is almost here! :) I have been asked daily about turning FIVE for the past couple of months... and tomorrow's the big day! :) I might be nearly as excited as she is. Fun stuff planned- birthday muffins, birthday presents, birthday build-a-bear at the mall, birthday lunch with a best bud, birthday NAP (here's hoping...), and birthday PARTY! tomorrow night! Hoping we don't leave room in there for birthday Meltdown, like we had last year on her birthday at the Gymboree picking out sunglasses and having to be dragged out kicking and screaming!

Randomness, and a New Lens

Here are a bunch of random pictures from today... I was testing the capabilities of my new lens! Unfortunately my favorite lens got broken when we were at the strawberry patch the other day, so I had to take it in today to get fixed... which will take a couple of MONTHS... gasps of horror... I just can't go back to a kit lens after using the higher quality lens for almost a year... and the Pixies have been busy enough lately to justify a new purchase... so I bought a new one! Not the same one- not as nice as the one that's out for repairs- but it does have a max aperture of f/1.8, which gives me a bit more flexibility in picture taking- and I really like it! :)

 Here's a picture of Nora and her "ooh-ee."

 And a very "Carolyn" face lately.

 The new lens isn't a zoom so it's not as big and bulky as my other one, so Carolyn could hold it and take some really awesome pictures of me and Brad this afternoon (lol).

 Yes, I put this picture on the internet- here we are demonstrating what the "whiiiiine" face looks like. We have been talking a lot about whining around here lately. :)

And Carolyn got laughing enough to actually permit a picture of a real smile!

 Tonight we went to the annual intern's welcome party at Craig's Cruisers. We tried to play mini-golf... but quit after 3 holes... I think Carolyn could use some lessons on holding a club. :)

And yes, Nora is TWO!

A Snapshot of our family at this juncture... here's hoping that there will be a fifth one of us in next year's picture. No, I'm not announcing anything... just wishing... sigh...

And every time we go to this event, I can't help but remembering what it was like exactly five years ago- June 28, 2006- when I was just two days from the beginning of the motherhood adventure- and SO ready for it to get started, already!

When It's Your Birthday Party...

... you get to lick the beater from making the frosting! :) Great birthday party today with the family for Carolyn's birthday! And the rest of the family ran our first family 10K today! :) Amazingly we were some of the slowest, even though we averaged 10:25 minute miles (which is really good for me! :))

Growing Up!

Nora is really reaching that point in toddlerhood where she's starting to look so much more like a preschooler/little girl! I took these pictures today while Carolyn was at a friend's house and Nora and I were painting... and I'm just struck with how much older she looks!

 I loved her look of concentration as she worked so hard to get the paint in the lines.

 And it's so funny to have a leftie in the house! I always have to remind myself that she doesn't use the same hand I do!

I never really planned on getting "out" of the baby stage so early... part of me just aches that our baby days are over for now... but another part of me is really enjoying the stage that we are heading into with two kids out of diapers and getting into that "easier" phase of life.  They are becoming such great little friends! Of course they fight a bit like all sisters do... but overall, they have such real affection for each other, and I can see the preciousness of that sister relationship developing. Call me crazy, but I'm actually excited for when they start sharing a room- even though I know that they won't sleep as well for awhile! I think that sharing a room is such a bonding experience and the sister relationship is so unique and deep and permanent in a way no other relationship is... I'm so happy that they have each other, and glad to see them growing together. :)

Strawberry Picking

Nothing says "Summer's Here" in Michigan like some good times strawberry picking!

Today I modulated my to-do list a bit, tried to reduce my expectations of myself, and generally felt less grouchy. I still didn't juggle it all with grace and skill... but at least I did take the girls strawberry picking... and I got my 5 mile run in this afternoon in preparation for our 10K race on Saturday! So I guess that's something. 

Here are some pictures of strawberry picking this year.

 Carolyn loved eating the strawberries!

 Nora had her fair share too- I love how brilliant that red is against the blue of her shirt.

 Nora was especially efficient and industrious- which surprised me since she is, after all, only two! She really liked picking the berries. I'm excited to take her raspberry and blueberry picking later in the summer!

 This picture makes me laugh because that's how it was- Nora picked and picked and picked- she really did pick at least half of what we brought home- and Carolyn mostly sat and ate strawberries and supervised the process. :)

 I always have to take a picture of the strawberry in focus and Carolyn out of focus. :) It's a yearly tradition... especially since she still refuses to look the camera in the face!

 She found a really wonky strawberry but she had eaten most of it before I got a picture. :)

 Yum, yum!

Taking a little break from all her hard work... :)

Tomorrow we may make jam... or more likely we'll wait until the next day... :) I'm nothing if not good at procrastinating!

And now I'm done blogging for tonight. It's Night Two of "Prep for Potter..." we're not dorky enough to go to the 5am start of the Potter series culminating with the midnight showing of the newest movie (okay, we couldn't get tickets ;))- but we are watching through the movies again before we go to the 9pm start double feature! :) Gotta love it!

The List

My finest moment of today: at the grocery store today buying a cart full of stuff, with my children on HIGH WHINE intensity mode, and looking like a thoroughly disheveled, harassed mommy with way too much on her plate- while the checker gave me a really strange look as she scanned my box of ovulation predictor kits- clearly thinking, why in the world would this woman want any MORE offspring when she can't handle the ones she has!! [bizarrely, I DO, in such a deep and sincere way it really defies understanding]

I find it somewhat funny/interesting/one of those weird things about getting OLD that I can remember very clearly as a younger person- teenage, young 20s type- feeling like as I grew, my capacity to DO more and BE more and JUGGLE more seemed to increase. I used to be able to handle my life... and now I don't know if it's because I'm into a new decade now... or because my list is just longer, or because I'm a mom now... but I seem to be losing even the abilities I once had!

Or maybe I just have too many expectations of myself as a finite human being. Here is the list I had for myself for today, in no particular order.
1. get up by 5:30am
2. finish up about 8 bow orders (of the 22 I currently had pending as of this morning!)
3. run giveaway on my blog/facebook page
4. answer every email anyone sends me within about 5 minutes
5. be a super great friend and spend time at the park with my playgroup, really listening to my girlfriends, investing in their lives, and of course playing spontaneously with my children.
6. bake cookies, draw pretty pictures, and make a super great supper for my husband and the best dad in the world for my girls (because this ungrateful wretch failed to do all of those things yesterday)
7. take my stuff to the post office in the middle of the afternoon by 5pm for fear some of said bow orders won't arrive in lightning speed.
8. go to the fabric store, the fruit stand, and Hobby Lobby
9. make about 900 phone calls I've been ignoring for weeks
10. GROCERY SHOPPING because we are out of milk and any sort of raw ingredients to cook anything except plain chicken and the children are asking for fruit and all i have to give them is potato chips!
11. send free stuff to photographers and friends because i love to give my stuff away and i like people to like me...
12. clean the house
13. do the laundry
14. look presentable when my husband gets home...
15. oh yeah, and blog something really awesome.

And I think there might have been even more to the list... looking at it kind of makes me laugh because this VERY SERIOUSLY was what I had hoped to accomplish today. And seeing all that right there in black and white makes me kind of feel silly because there is no way I could have done ALL that, even if I could have cloned myself five times over. And yet, I spent a considerable amount of the day today with a high-strung, stressed out, gloomy sort of attitude because I could feel myself failing to live up to my expectations... and rather than start to question whether the expectations were reasonable... I just felt like a loser for not being able to do it all- or even HALF of it!

I just cannot do it all... now if I could just figure out how to stop trying so darned hard!

The Beginning...

Of the final year of our first DECADE as a family! :) We celebrated 9 years of marriage yesterday, and embark on the final stretch to the first of what I would consider the "big" anniversaries. :) Not sure what we're going to do to celebrate that... we've been talking about heading back to our place of beginnings in Phoenix for a little trip next June... nevermind that that's about the WORST time to be in Phoenix... still in a way there's a draw back to the place where we first became a family- just the two of us! Anyway, plenty of time to figure that out later...

We went out for the night to the same hotel where we spent our wedding night, and had dinner in the nice restaurant at the top. It was a lovely, leisurely dinner, and we spent the time reminiscing about the challenges and joys of the past year. Each year I make a photo book of the year in review... they used to be really magnificent confections of stickers and handwritten notes and journaling and specially cropped pictures... but now they've turned into Shutterfly albums that consume my life for the three weeks prior to our anniversary... but still it's nice to have the memories all written down, and I know if I ever stop doing it, I'll probably never be able to convince myself to start again! So every year I do it. :) Here's this year's if you want to see it:

Click here to view this photo book larger

And if anyone's interested, here's this year's Top Ten list (in no particular order except the first one!)
1. Seeing God provide for our family out of a time of great uncertainty in Brad's work.
2. Seeing My Little Pixies come into being and finding great personal satisfaction in seeing it begin to succeed.
3. Passing the oral boards (well!) and becoming certified- thus making his whole family (and especially his dad!) so very proud! :)
4. Getting into better shape as a family- the Shamrock Shuffle was awesome. And it's pretty cool to think that now running the Reed's Lake 10K next weekend sounds like a "fun run."
5. Our Alaskan cruise
6. My sister becoming a mother for the first time- it's so cool to share this bond with her- not just as sisters but as mothers!
7. Lake Michigan summer- unusually warm, it was so fun to spend so much time on the lake with Nana and Papa.
8. Brad winning Physician of the Year
9. Getting to know our neighbors as our kids play together- after six years in the same house, it's so nice to finally feel connected to the people we live near!
10. The sweetness of delayed gratification when we got our iPhones after patiently waiting for them to be available on Verizon's network! :)

And the Bottom 10- because no year is complete without its doses of both joy and difficulty
1. The cycle-after-cycle trying unsuccessfully to conceive this year. Boo on that.
2. Professional challenges for Brad- having to come to the final conclusion that his first practice after residency was not going to work as we'd hoped it would (please do see number one on the "top ten" list for how this turned around to be a wonderful opportunity for God to provide beyond what we asked for, though not in the way we thought it would all turn out!)
3. The strain of constant call- never being free from the pager- even though it didn't go off every minute of every day (or night), it was always THERE- and it really wasn't until he was able to turn it off except for his call nights that we realized how much of a subtle strain that had put on him and on our family. We are glad to allow the pager to take a more manageable place in our life!
4. Struggling with balance as a stay-at-home mom with a business. Learning to manage the more troublesome facets of my nature as a person who dives headfirst into everything, heart and soul- and has never been very good at doing multiple things at once!
5. Character molding challenges as parents. Trying to teach our girls what is right, but not always knowing how to reach their hearts.
6. A barely-2-year-old with her first stomach virus just days after starting potty training!
7. Anytime we had to stay in one hotel room as a family...
8. Turning 30- maybe should be on the top ten list because it's a blessing in a way to have reached this important personal milestone... but for me it was still a really difficult transition because the "day" just reminded me of my ticking clock...
9. Traveling home late at night from South Carolina and getting stuck in the Baltimore aiport until about 1 or 2am- and no, the kids did not sleep!

We brainstormed hard about our lists... the "top ten" was pretty easy. That's saying something, I guess! The bottom 10 were harder to come up with, after the first 4 or 5 that pretty much defined our struggles for the past year. It hasn't been the easiest year on our books... but I feel very grateful to have come to the end of a year of challenges, uncertainty, unfulfilled longings, and unexpected bends in the road- and to still be able to see much more joy than heartache in the past year. It's something to remember on the hard days when the "this wasn't the story I planned" feelings come out in full force. It isn't the story I'd have planned... but it's still a pretty good one. :)

I'm especially grateful for a wonderful traveling companion, a husband I love even more than the day I married him 9 years ago. I never could have guessed on that day that he could mean more to me than he did in that moment of promise... but I find every time that I look back and see the hand of my best friend holding mine through all the "stuff" of life- the good and the bad- that it really is true that it just gets better. :)

Thoughts

Well, I don't really "have" time to blog tonight... but I'm just going to make time, because there are thoughts in my head that I want to consider, and writing for me is a way I do this. This week my doctor (who also happens to be one of the partners at Brad's new practice) communicated that it's really time for us to be passed "up the food chain" to the infertility specialists... I sort of knew it- it's been a year, and about 900 negative pregnancy tests (but let's not talk about that...)... we were planning on going anyway this fall... but for some reason just hearing her say that it was time to really be thinking that direction made me feel sad. Kind of like when you're scared that you have a problem, you tell yourself you probably do have the problem so you can kind of get used to the idea, but then someone who really knows tells you that you probably do have the problem you're afraid you have but sort of hoped you didn't- it's kind of not fun? You can read that sentence a few more times and see if it makes any more sense... but it probably won't.

Tomorrow I will make a post about our 9th anniversary (because tomorrow it will be 9 years)- and even though "year 9" would probably go down in the books as the toughest year we've yet faced together... I even still know that we are so abundantly blessed and that the "light and momentary" troubles that have contributed to lines around my eyes that surely were not there a year ago (but again, let's not talk about THAT!) are really just that- light and momentary. Even still... there's still heartache, even in a life that's essentially a good one. And this week for some reason, that ache for another little one to love, and the sadness over my body's apparent inability to conceive one... has been stronger than it has been lately. I really have had a lot of peace the past few months about this... but it doesn't mean that I still don't feel disappointed and at times anxious. I know that all this struggle will come full circle and maybe even to a certain point make sense and feel worth it if in the end we are successful at expanding our family beyond the 4 of us- but what if it doesn't? What if this is just life- what if our family size is "capped" at 4, and it never does make sense to me or feel worth it to have suffered the pain of arms that constantly itch to hold that newborn life but never get to do it again? Does it get better? Do you eventually get over it? Or does it always hurt a little bit to feel "barren" inside?

Of course, I know that I am not a "barren" woman- we are abundantly blessed in the two girls God has given us to raise and love. I do not pretend to know the pain of truly empty arms... but the words I read recently by Carolyn Custis James in her book "The Gospel of Ruth" ring true to me as we've come to the conclusion of a year of unsuccessful "trying." She says:

"The barren woman... shows us that we are all infertile. Every child conceived is a miracle- and while we all acknowledge this to be true on one level, it's easy to forget when conception and birth happen according to our timetable. The barren woman grounds us in reality... she acknowledges God to be the Lord of the womb- of every womb- and of every other sphere of life . We are not the masters of our own destinies... the outcome of our efforts... is always in God's hands. We are all impotent and in need of God's help when conceiving new life..."

I've never been one who's been able to just decide to have a baby... it has been an emotional journey every time we've wanted a baby... and the journeys that ultimately ended with the two girls who are sleeping in this house right now seemed to draw us to exactly that acknowledgement of God as Lord of the womb, and of every other aspect of life. This journey we're on right now has lasted longer than any of the others, but maybe I've just been more stubborn and fearful and less willing to trust and truly acknowledge His Lordship in my heart. I think I am moving in the right direction... but slowly- and maybe that's the point- because it's hard to truly value something that costs you nothing.

And those are my thoughts for tonight.

Hopscotch

Oh, I've been neglecting the blog again... I think it's always like that when I have so many thoughts swimming around my head and posts I'd like to write. It's a season of anniversaries, and landmark dates are meaningful to me... so I always feel compelled to write about them. June 9th marked the anniversary of the day I found out about my ectopic, and the year that has passed since then has been one of joy in watching and loving my girls as they grow, but also struggle and pain as I've dealt with the recognition of my inability to create life- or even really influence its creation! There's so much I feel like God has been teaching me this year, so much I'd like to write about... but there never does seem to be the right time to sit down and write about it... so I don't.

But tonight I'm at least posting pictures! So you can see we're still here! :)

The other day we made a hopscotch outside and those girls had so much fun hopping up and down in the driveway on the unseasonably cool day (I LOVE unseasonably cool in the summer- I hate nineties weather!)

 I love that I caught Nora mid-jump here.

 Carolyn is actually learning where to jump and how to do it properly.

 She looked so cute with that big flower in her hair too- I never thought I'd like that style much, but I actually did. And she did too actually. :)

Nora pretty much just ran and half-jumped along behind her sister. She is so full of joy that it's just infectious. :)

I-GREEM!

I love toddler speak. I love the sweet little lisp that small ones have. Carolyn has pretty much lost all of hers and there are moments when my heart just aches for her sweet baby days!! But life goes on...

And though she is rapidly growing up, our little Bean still says those cute toddler-ish things. Like I-GREEM! Always in caps. Ice cream is serious business. :) We frequently eat ice cream sandwiches for snack time after naps.

 They are a guaranteed hit. :) I love how she laughs with her entire body. Such joy in such a little person!

Ice cream sandwiches are also very messy. And Someone did not want her picture taken with all that mess on her hands. :) lol.

 Big, she certainly is. But so sweet, so innocent, so joyful, so pure. I love everything about this picture, from the dress halfway falling off her shoulders to the sweet baby teeth that are starting to almost look too small in her smile and I know that as short a time as it seems that it was that we were weeping those teeth into existence... they are already likely on their last year or two before they start falling out... I can already see her, snaggle toothed and growing up... tear... WHY do they have to grow up so fast?

 But thank goodness for digital cameras to help us capture the moments that make up the ordinary-ness of our days, fleeting  though they may be- I love Nora's toddler waddle/run as she's chasing her daddy up the street tonight. As well the look of delight on his face as she runs toward him! Girls are GREAT. :)

Blug...

Not much super fun to write about this week... apart from being really busy still catching up on bow orders and spending a totally inordinate amount of time stuck to my glue gun (literally :))- we've also been really trying to work with Carolyn on helping her learn to control her anger and to accept correction. There have been some difficult moments with her lately- 90% of the time she is just really great and amazing and wonderful and delightful and all other beautiful things- but the 10% of the time she isn't like that is A-W-F-U-L. There was a nasty incident with a babysitter the other night who unwittingly selected the WRONG pajamas for her... END of the world... and a few other key moments that have really convicted us that NOW is the time for us to really stick it out with her, to stop being afraid of her anger and stop short-cutting our discipline strategy because we don't want to take the 2 or 3 hours that it might take sometimes for her to truly be repentant and accepting of correction. It might take a week or two of being really firm, really consistent, and really willing to "go there" with her. But we're convinced that it is absolutely necessary we do so, and we're hoping on the other side of the battle there will be a greater ability for self-control, and an enhanced sense of right and wrong and ability to be more humble and repentant and obedient from the heart (lofty goals perhaps?!) So anyway, there have been some long hours in the past week where we are really trying to help her to learn to make right choices even when she's angry or doesn't feel like it's fair. She is SO much like me- you'd think that would make it easier, make me understand better... but it really doesn't because although I generally don't scream and attempt to destroy things- when we get into these battles, I am JUST as angry as she is! I just control it better. And I guess that's what we are trying to teach her how to do. But there really aren't any pictures of this... because frankly it's draining... and not very much fun!

But then I go in to look at her and hug her and kiss her while she sleeps... and remember how totally and 100% WORTH IT it is. She is an amazingly fabulous child... and she deserves the very best we can give her- even if it'd be easier to take the short cuts sometimes!

RIP Monkey Plate

 Alas... the demise of the much-revered Monkey Plate, following an unfortunate hurling from the high chair. :(

Poor Nora... she loved that monkey plate. Too bad she had to take the natural consequences of her poor decision to follow that throwing impulse... but doesn't she have the cutest pout?! One of the funniest things she says- following moments like this (or moments like the one we spent together in the church bathroom dealing with (her) wet pants just an hour after I had come out of church to take her to the bathroom!)- is "nah-veh-wee-wise" (Not Very Wise). It's so funny and cute to hear the "mommyisms" I send her way come back out at me in her sweet toddler lisp! Love this girl.

And this one too. All four-and-a-half-and-almost-five girls make silly faces. It's common knowledge. :)

Hello World

You may be wondering where I've been all week... but  not if you've been watching my Facebook "fan page." In a totally characteristic "EB" move, I bit of WAY more than I could chew, indulged my massive delusions of grandeur, and attempted to celebrate my first "anniversary" of my little business in high style- I wanted to do a whole week of giveaways as a token thank you to the many people whose support has meant that my little adventure into the world of home business is actually working- I sort of attempted to make one of pretty much every style I sell in my shop this week and give it all away. I'm horrible about not accurately counting the cost in terms of time and effort involved before plunging away with an idea that always seems better in my head than it works out to be in real life! Such was the case this week. I really did have fun- and I think for the most part my "group" had fun too- but I literally spent 3 or 4 solid hours every day this week JUST working on posting, monitoring, creating, and calculating winners for my giveaways. I also had to keep churning the stuff out for people- AND our wedding anniversary is coming up in 11 days and the "scrapbook" (now a Shutterfly "easy" creation) STILL isn't finished, so in the "cracks" (ha!) I've been working on that. So suffice it to say, I've been BUSY! 

But last weekend we did have a really fun trip to Ammy and Papa's house to spend 24 great hours together as a "whole" family. :) Here are a few of the pictures I liked best.

 Ammy did Nora's hair in a braid. So cute, huh? Makes her seem like such a big girl now!

 Carolyn and the swings... sigh... WHEN will she learn to pump her legs?! I haven't been so eager for a motor milestone since I was aching for her to start walking so she'd stop eating things off the floor! :) It's hard to keep track of a 2 year old when you're busy pushing her sister on the swing... and Carolyn has me SO pegged on the "mommy guilt" thing and knows just what to say to make me worry that she will need therapy for the rest of her life because her mommy didn't give her enough direct attention!

 I love this picture of Nora and my mom because you can see reflected in Nora's face just what my mom is to her. There is no one more beautiful in the whole world to my children, and to me, than my mother. :)

 And I love this pic of my mom and dad even though they'll probably hate it because it reminds me of how GOOD it can be down the road a few more bends- these two are practically still on their honeymoon and loving life all over again together as empty nesters. They are everything I want to be someday.

 The obligatory group shots. Here are the guys. My favorite features of this picture- Elliot totally trying to figure out how to slobber on his dad's head. And Bryan- he's got that fantastic "frozen" smile that he's been pulling out ever since he joined the family that always has a camera at the forefront of every gathering!

And here are the girls. Great job with the camera settings, Brad- your picture is much better than mine! :)

Three Years!

Three years ago today, I found out I was expecting Nora! I remember how shocked I was to see that second line on that test... and what a blessing she has been and is to our family. I can't believe how much she is growing and changing!!

I had one of those "wake-up" moments the other night when she was out on the swingset and looked over at me and yelled "Mommy, watch me! I'm swinging on the swing!" All perfectly correct and everything- and it made me wonder- where in the world is my baby?!!