Thoughts

Well, I don't really "have" time to blog tonight... but I'm just going to make time, because there are thoughts in my head that I want to consider, and writing for me is a way I do this. This week my doctor (who also happens to be one of the partners at Brad's new practice) communicated that it's really time for us to be passed "up the food chain" to the infertility specialists... I sort of knew it- it's been a year, and about 900 negative pregnancy tests (but let's not talk about that...)... we were planning on going anyway this fall... but for some reason just hearing her say that it was time to really be thinking that direction made me feel sad. Kind of like when you're scared that you have a problem, you tell yourself you probably do have the problem so you can kind of get used to the idea, but then someone who really knows tells you that you probably do have the problem you're afraid you have but sort of hoped you didn't- it's kind of not fun? You can read that sentence a few more times and see if it makes any more sense... but it probably won't.

Tomorrow I will make a post about our 9th anniversary (because tomorrow it will be 9 years)- and even though "year 9" would probably go down in the books as the toughest year we've yet faced together... I even still know that we are so abundantly blessed and that the "light and momentary" troubles that have contributed to lines around my eyes that surely were not there a year ago (but again, let's not talk about THAT!) are really just that- light and momentary. Even still... there's still heartache, even in a life that's essentially a good one. And this week for some reason, that ache for another little one to love, and the sadness over my body's apparent inability to conceive one... has been stronger than it has been lately. I really have had a lot of peace the past few months about this... but it doesn't mean that I still don't feel disappointed and at times anxious. I know that all this struggle will come full circle and maybe even to a certain point make sense and feel worth it if in the end we are successful at expanding our family beyond the 4 of us- but what if it doesn't? What if this is just life- what if our family size is "capped" at 4, and it never does make sense to me or feel worth it to have suffered the pain of arms that constantly itch to hold that newborn life but never get to do it again? Does it get better? Do you eventually get over it? Or does it always hurt a little bit to feel "barren" inside?

Of course, I know that I am not a "barren" woman- we are abundantly blessed in the two girls God has given us to raise and love. I do not pretend to know the pain of truly empty arms... but the words I read recently by Carolyn Custis James in her book "The Gospel of Ruth" ring true to me as we've come to the conclusion of a year of unsuccessful "trying." She says:

"The barren woman... shows us that we are all infertile. Every child conceived is a miracle- and while we all acknowledge this to be true on one level, it's easy to forget when conception and birth happen according to our timetable. The barren woman grounds us in reality... she acknowledges God to be the Lord of the womb- of every womb- and of every other sphere of life . We are not the masters of our own destinies... the outcome of our efforts... is always in God's hands. We are all impotent and in need of God's help when conceiving new life..."

I've never been one who's been able to just decide to have a baby... it has been an emotional journey every time we've wanted a baby... and the journeys that ultimately ended with the two girls who are sleeping in this house right now seemed to draw us to exactly that acknowledgement of God as Lord of the womb, and of every other aspect of life. This journey we're on right now has lasted longer than any of the others, but maybe I've just been more stubborn and fearful and less willing to trust and truly acknowledge His Lordship in my heart. I think I am moving in the right direction... but slowly- and maybe that's the point- because it's hard to truly value something that costs you nothing.

And those are my thoughts for tonight.