Ever since July, THIS guy has been a part of our family. It's not really so terrible; it can kind of be a fashion statement; I like being able to track Brad down wherever he is... but it's what that little black box represents that is causing some... adjustments in our family. The pager represents the hundreds of people who now depend on my husband for all sorts of things. It could go off at any moment; at any time he could be called into action, have to stop whatever we are doing, and go take care of someone. So far it really hasn't been that bad because he's still building up a patient base, but we are never free from the potential, and we are still figuring out how to strike a balance with this new entity in our life.
The constant intrusion of the (to me) largely faceless group of collective "patients" is really something that's hard to get used to. It is hard to learn how to share him with others. It is hard for me to give him the respect he needs and deserves from me when a part of me feels resentful at times about having to come second to his patients. It is hard for him to make me feel loved when at times he has to choose others over me (and our kids). It is hard for both of us to figure out where the appropriate boundaries should be between work and our family.
Adjusting to Brad being done with residency is a bigger project than I ever figured it would be. I remember thinking ahead fondly to the days without overnight call, with a paycheck that would more than cover our family expenses, and the ability for him to finally start a "real job" that I knew he'd love. It's harder than I thought it'd be now that we're here.
Long ago, I accepted that I (and now, by extension, our family) would have to make some concessions to live in harmony with a doctor for our head. There have been several adjustment periods prior to this one. One of the most memorable was when Brad was a third-year medical student just starting his very first OB rotation (ironically, this was at the same hospital where he eventually trained and where he is now an attending physician). He was so excited to be done with the classwork of school and actually getting into the practical experience part of medical school. We'd been married about a month and, like most couples, were going through the typical newlywed adjustments- except a little different in our case because we had been in a long-distance relationship before we were married. I was such a young 21 years old and head over heels in love with him and just thrilled to be starting off life together. I thought he'd want to spend every waking second with me and that there would be nothing else that could excite and interest him like I did.
Then the night came when he was "invited" to spend the night at the hospital practicing being "on call" and he chose to leave me all alone in a house where we were house-sitting. It was so hard for him to hide the grin on his face at the idea of being able to experience part of being a real doctor for the very first time. It was hard for me to hold back the tears that he would choose to spend the night at the hospital instead of with me when we'd only been married a month! The next morning, I expected he would be just bubbling over with excitement to see me after so long apart- imagine my disappointment when I called him to tell him there was PB and J for lunch and I was waiting for him... and he told me he liked the food at the hospital cafeteria better! Our first married "fight"... and fodder for jokes for years since he said those unwise, but now so funny words.
I feel a lot like that 21 year old new bride now, except I've been down this road a little longer. We eventually adjusted to medical school life, then internship and whole weeks of nights apart, and residency where we spent many mealtimes in the call room eating leftovers together to try to maintain some connection in a 70 to 80 hour a week job. Each time life changed, we found we had what we needed to make the transition together and I think we have managed to maintain a very healthy and positive relationship with each other, despite challenges that often drive couples apart.
And so I sense we are in another one of those transition zones now, perhaps the most important one of all because we are laying the framework for what our life will look like for years to come as the family of a physician. Somehow, together, we must find a way to strike the right balance between work and family now, so that we start on the right road. And somehow we must find a way to be on the same team about it or resentment can easily set in as neither of us feels accepted, embraced, loved, and respected for the things that are most important to us. I have to accept that loving Brad means that I have to respect the things that matter to him, even when I wish that he could just put it all down and say "family first."
I know deep down in his heart that is true, but when he struggles with the idea of leaving on vacation because he might miss a patient's delivery, a little alarm bell sounds in my head. I am so afraid of him getting so caught up in the job that he forgets to be a father and a husband; I know other doctor's families who essentially do all the "life stuff" without their dad/husband. I do NOT want that for my children or for myself. I WANT us to go on vacation together, to enjoy being together, to have a father who is really engaged with his children. And truthfully, when I look past my hurt feelings that he would choose to take care of women who aren't even part of our family instead of dropping it all for an extra day or two to be with our family, I do see a loving and engaged father who would do anything for his children. I see a man who still loves me with the same loyal affection and heart-deep commitment that he did almost 8 years ago when we got married.
It's hard to get used to this new part of life, I think because he has so much more autonomy now. When he was a resident and he was on call, I could just accept it as part of the job of a resident and we didn't really have a choice, so we made the best of it. Now as an attending, he makes more of his own decisions, and so when I feel sad about having to come second to his patients, it feels (to me) like he is more directly to blame... so then angry feelings show up and I say things I don't really mean. Like today... and pretty much every time I sense that he would voluntarily choose to take care of his patients instead of his family. I think it's a female thing- we as women feel most loved when our men choose us over other viable choices. It makes me feel really valued when Brad chooses me even when there is another choice to be made.
I feel so much better now that I've "vomited" all this text up. Blogging is good for the soul. I feel like we can return to being on the same team now that I understand why I felt so "wronged" earlier today. It's good for me to take a step back now and then and think of how far we have come, and to remember the thing that has helped us time and again to get back on the same page. We have to remember that we are a team. I survived medical school, internship, and residency by taking part-ownership in what he was doing. We together accepted that we would make some concessions as a family in order for him to achieve his dream, and I always felt as though my role in his medical training was just as important as his. This is something we chose together, something our family does. Something that Nora and Carolyn and I support him in in a way that families of men who go to the office, do their work and come home, don't have to.
There's another half of it, in that we together as a team need to find a way to be balanced in our relationship with the medical practice; it can't be ALL that our life is about. One way or another we must develop boundaries that allow us to be a family unit first and the family of a doctor second. It's not easy figuring out how this should look, and there's a lot of trial and error involved. But when push comes to shove, we must both remember that we're all in it for the long haul, pray for God's wisdom to know how to structure our family so that it honors Him, and His grace to be kind to each other and to maintain the strength of relationship born out of true esteem for one another and each caring for what matters to the other.
"Be ye kind, one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ Jesus also forgave you."
Nora is really into pointing right now- she points at anything she is interested in. Favorite targets for that sweet chubby little finger are Big Sister, lights, and anyone's nose.
There was discussion between Mommy and Daddy as to whose genes are most represented in this picture of Carolyn. Any thoughts?
Lunchtime must have included some hallelujahs.
And Amens.
And, evidently, some serious See Food.
Get it? SEE FOOD?!! haa haa haa...
