Perspective

Sometimes when I get all caught up in the frustration of the struggles we are currently having... it's easy to throw myself a pity party. The resounding "no" we got (again) last week is still bothering me; sometimes it seems like I can move on pretty quickly, and then other times for whatever reason it kind of sticks with me. For some reason I just feel like I've wanted to fixate on my failure and be angry about it. But I really don't want to be that kind of a person. I don't want to live in bitterness and resentment and anger. I don't want my kids raised in that kind of environment. I want to be better than that- even if my circumstances never do change.

 I can relate in a way I never have before with Paul's struggle with the "thorn in the flesh" (see 2 Corinthians 12 if you are unfamiliar with the term)- he too pleaded with God to have this thing removed from his life, and God told him no, too. He said "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." I'm not really with Paul, yet, about "boasting" in this weakness- this infirmity in my body- but I am finding comfort in the thought that His grace is indeed sufficient, even when I feel like it isn't.

In my Bible study reading this morning I read the chapter on greed- the author was mostly talking about the love of money and the accumulation of "things." But when I read it, all I could think about was how what consumes me is not the desire for material possessions- it's this all-engrossing desire for a larger family than we have been given at this time- really, it's the procreative potential that I feel has been "stolen" from me that I want back- I think I could even wait rather a long time for another mouth to feed- if only I knew that we were capable and at some point it would happen. It seems less wrong when you're not coveting "stuff" but dreaming and waiting and longing for more people to love- but it is still a contentment stealer to be consumed with desire for something that is not yours. I can definitely attest to that! When I am fixated on what I don't have- when I look in the backseat of my minivan and see only the empty seats where I wish there were little car carriers filled with little cooing cherubs (lol)- I miss the fact that there are two very full seats back there- full of life and love and laughter. I am learning to be more grateful, more aware of the richness of the blessing we have in our two daughters- in a way the lack of that much-desired third child has forced me to realize afresh even in my tears and sadness what a true miracle they really are.

A couple of other things have happened this week that remind me that it's worth the effort to try to live in contentment instead of covetousness. Yesterday a mother in our area lost both of her children (16 and 13) in the same car wreck- a truly awful, worst-nightmare type of situation. A friend of mine is in the hospital with problems that are baffling the doctors, and another friend is spending her second Christmas with treatment for her son's leukemia as part of her holiday schedule. In the grand scheme of things, what we are going through does not even register on the tragedy scale. It seems big and awful and frustrating and sad and never-ending to me- but really, it's not. And I have so much to be thankful for and to celebrate and live and be.

I wish that God would take this "thorn in my flesh" away from me- either enable us to have another child or simply take the desire away from me so that I could live without the pain of being unable to conceive, without the wrenching in my heart every time someone around me has an "oops" and doesn't even recognize the incredible miracle that happened. But He hasn't. I wrestle with how a God who has good plans for my life could intend for this season to be part of the story- I don't understand why He says "No." I want to yell and scream about it sometimes. But the bottom line is that I don't want to look back 10 years from now and feel like I missed the life I have in the pursuit of the life I thought I needed. I don't want to become a miserable shrew. I want to be better, not bitter, because of the road I've traveled.

Sometimes, like this week, it's hard to pick up the pieces and move on, choosing to allow the pain to strengthen me, refine me- when I'd really rather just withdraw inside myself and not even try anymore because it feels like my personal growth in this season has been inch by painstaking inch rather than an obviously upward climb. I feel like I have so far to go before contentment can become a way of life for me rather than a deliberate choice. I want to be "bigger" but I am- as Nora says sometimes "Still 'Wittle!" (little). I wish I had more answers to satisfy my many questions, but I don't. I suppose this is just part of life- that you have to live it- you don't just get to read about it and "get it" by proxy- and maybe, the best learned lessons are maybe the ones that cost the most.