Today was a CRAZY day! Started with an early morning work session for me to get last minute things finished up before I shut my shop down for about 6 weeks. Then we had a birthday party for a friend, from which I had to be excused early to go to school for "playground duty," leaving the girls at the party, hoping that Brad would be able to pick them up after he finished waiting for my car to be done with its scheduled maintenance, which took longer than expected, so I had to turn around after playground time was over, pick up Carolyn from the party, bring her back to school (late) for her classroom party, which I was supposed to be assisting with as one of the classroom moms. I was totally unglued by the time I got there! It's entirely possible that after the strain of the past few days and weeks, I broke down crying at my 5-year-old's Christmas party over not being able to find the teacher's gift that I'd carefully stowed in the backpack and somehow dropped in the hall. I feel so close to tears so much of the time right now that it really doesn't take much to set me off.
But despite my emotional fragility, I think the kids still had fun at the party, and I did, too. I'm glad that I get to be one of the "room mom," even though I'm not really very good at being organized and getting things done- I really enjoy getting to "be there" for the events and be a part of Carolyn's "school life." :)
And here are the girls in Carolyn's class. She has a wonderful little group of four boys and four girls in her pre-K class, and the setup is just perfect. :)
Now, if you want to read the part of this post I wrote as a way of coping, read on. If not, I'll understand- my inner monologue hasn't been a very upbeat place to be recently.
I'm pretty whooped now, and feeling very ready to shut the door to my craft room for awhile after how busy I have been in there for the past couple of months. I need to relearn (if I ever did know) what it means to have some "white space" in my life. To be honest, I think I've been afraid of the white space because I just don't want to deal with the thoughts that are there whenever there isn't something else screaming for my attention. It's a lot easier to just lose myself in making bows and making people like them than it is to acknowledge the struggle that's going on in my own heart, to do the wrestling with God and seeking Him that I really need to do if I'm going to somehow find sanity on this journey we're on.
I've been having a little bit of a crisis recently and just really having a hard time, especially since the announcements of several friends all at once (if some of you are reading this, please do not take this personally; I'm sorry I'm so weak that I can't just put my own struggles aside- but I am trying). Not that it's really any more fun when they come one at a time... it pretty much all sucks. I really wish I could just be purely happy and joyful for these dear ones... but I'm having a hard time with it right now; I just feel left behind; not even jealous- just forgotten by God, baffled as to why I'm stuck on this road, and lonely- like everybody else is getting to walk through this door that is steadfastly locked in front of me. I'm trying to choose joy, but it's an uphill battle, and I've really just felt attacked and down lately. That's unfortunate, because being consumed with the struggle and the continual distraction of being busy to try to cover up how much I'm really dealing with, makes me "miss" what has always been my favorite time of year.
All this has just been hitting a crux point with me lately, and I have decided to get some professional help. I made an appointment today with a Christian therapist because I have concluded that I need somebody in my life that won't be emotionally affected by what I'm dealing with- in real life everyone is so interconnected, and I know that my struggles impact others- I hate that I have to be the one everyone dreads telling- because I'm so emotionally vulnerable and they just don't want to cause me pain. I wish I were different, stronger, better. I feel so trapped in this place, just when I thought I was finally beginning to climb out of the hole and get to a better place of peace... I feel like I'm back in, deeper than ever. It's so discouraging to see the weakness in myself. I really want to be better. I'm hoping that maybe having someone to talk to who's trained in teaching coping skills will help.
Sorry for being a bit of a downer lately- I just don't feel like I want to write fluffy happy things when that's not totally honest- there are lots of happy and wonderful moments, but this is there, too. And the writing does help me to sort through my emotions... but I'll try to come up with a more upbeat post tomorrow!
1 comment:
sounds like a good idea!
Post a Comment