Reasons

So, this week I found out about at least two friends who are pregnant, it seems that everywhere I look women with children my kids' age and younger are once again blooming with the spring, and I have had occasion lately to be around people who are simply "difficult" for me to be around- not for any fault of their own- but simply because through simply being born with more adeptness at reproduction, they have never known what it is to deeply desire a chid and yet be completely unable to control, plan, or even really impact the process. I find myself dreading the company of these individuals because I simply resent the ease with which they conceive- they might know other pains and suffer grievously in other ways- but they do not suffer in THIS way- and it sometimes seems they taunt me with their fertility and the fullness of their wombs stands in stark contrast with the emptiness of my own.

So I thought that this would be a good time to remind myself of the list of reasons I made last week when I was a mopey puddle of tears on my couch- reasons why we have decided to take a break, and cease trying to get pregnant, at least for now. They are good reasons, and reasons I must hold on to while the waves of hormonal insanity and irrational jealousy threaten to overtake me.

1. I am emotionally exhausted from the constant strain of pushing with all I have against a door that I cannot open.

2. This pursuit has dominated the last almost-year of my life. It has been nearly a whole year since the only "surprise" pregnancy I am likely to have- surprise both because of the timing (I was still nursing Nora)- and the location- no one thought I would have an ectopic pregnancy as I have no risk factors for one! I never really got a chance to enjoy being a family of four with the"door open" to a fifth member because so quickly I had this big issue and immediately felt as though I needed to be pregnant again in order to find redemption for my loss and relief for my fears of infertility... Nine cycles later...

3. I am tired of allowing one of the biggest focuses in my life to be something I feel I am failing at. This raises so many "identity issues" that it has thrown other things in my life out of balance as I search desperately for something that doesn't make me feel like a failure. I've made thousands of bows in the last year- and made them well, if I do say so myself- but the drive to do it has been in some ways fueled by the fear that I am not enough if I am not successful. I am tired of allowing my life to be defined by failure.

4.  If (as seems likely), there are medical problems that may be fixable, they will keep for a few months. They will be no less treatable in a few months than they are now, but I will hopefully be in a better place to deal with the stress of asking the questions and getting the answers and treatment that may be needed.

5. If we are going to embark on the road of infertility investigation and treatment, I would like to face it from a place of emotional readiness and peace than in the emotionally exhausted state I find myself in right now. I tried one cycle of Clomid last month, and it made me crazy- plus the disappointment when it didn't work was SO much worse than it had been when we did nothing to impact the process.

6. I would like to enjoy this summer with my girls without dragging around a constant weight of failure.

7. I need to reclaim the joy of motherhood- to remember and restore the wonder I once found in the every day with my girls, but that has gotten lost in the pursuit of another baby.

So, the plan for now, is to, insofar as I am able, NOT try to have a baby. To really try to focus on emotional rest, wholeness, and peace this summer. To consciously try to regain that joy and to do everything I can (including blogging!) to capture the wonder of the moment and the blessedness of this season with THESE girls. I do not think that in the end, I will be able to not explore the answers that may be out there. We have every intention of asking the questions about why we have not yet been able to conceive, though we've had many opportunities over the past nine months. But we will ask them in September, and we will ask them at the local REI (reproductive endocrinology and infertility) specialist's office on town, and we will do whatever they instruct us to do. And hopefully, in the end, we will have another sweet little one to love and enjoy. But for this summer, I know that is not supposed to be the focus. And so I have to somehow figure out how to get my mind to rest! Good luck with that... I'm not sure I've ever been able to do that!! But I will try... and hopefully I will not utterly fail in this attempt!