Blah...

Had a day today where I just felt... blah... It should have been a grand day- usually one of my favorite days of the whole week- my "work" day- where I can craft to my heart's content, uninterrupted by any of the usual (wonderful!) things that make up my ordinary days... But for some reason I just didn't feel like doing any of it today. Things have gone fairly well with opening a new site, but there are some growing pains with it as I'm still trying to figure out how to market myself now that I have an independent presence off of Etsy- I'd like to have just that nice balance of busy-ness- enough to keep from being bored, but not so much that MLP takes a place it never should have in my life. Still, the past week or so has been "slower" than I've been since about... November! I know it's to be expected with starting something new and losing some of the momentum that the Etsy community can provide- but I couldn't help feeling discouraged about it.

I kept trying to remind myself all day long about WHY I'm doing this- it's really  not about money- or I really should be doing what I have a doctoral level of education to do! I think for me, it's always been at least to a certain extent about "success" and external "recognition" during a time of life when I feel like I've not been as successful as I'd like (i.e. still not pregnant after almost a year of "trying" and about three weeks of "not-trying" :))- and a season of life when external recognition for a job well done is at an all-time low! There aren't many laurels in being a stay-at-home-mom- well, at least not the kind that involve instant gratification! So it's hard to avoid being tempted into the trap of "needing" those little jolts of "enough-ness" that come when I make a sale, and are disparagingly absent on days when I don't. I've gotten myself so wrapped up in this that there are moments when I have to very deliberately (and sometimes out loud!) remind myself that I am enough- I am fully sufficient and exactly who God made me to be- whether anyone pats me on the back for making beautiful things (or having perfect children- ha!) or not.

Today was a day when I really struggled just to keep my mind focused on where it needs to be- and really failed pretty miserably all day, to be honest! I felt consumed with my shortcomings for some reason today- and tonight I was very thankful for our small group parenting class that came over for the evening. Somehow just recalling the focus of my PRIMARY job in life right now- that of being a godly parent and raising children to know and serve the Lord- of being a good steward of the days and moments and hours given me in this brief season of having young ones- that sort of zapped me out of my funk, and I feel better now. Tomorrow I have some specific ideas to try for being more intentional about the day, and I feel more inspired to live in a way I'll be glad of one day when I'm eighty. :)