Again?

I find myself in a really unexpected deja vu situation. Almost exactly two years ago, I went through a miscarriage experience that changed me in a totally fundamental way- it was in some ways the best and the worst experience of my life. Today I got a surprise ticket to another emotional roller coaster. This afternoon, I found out I was pregnant. This evening, I found out it couldn't stay (lab results confirmed that most likely what was there is no longer viable because I have essentially no progesterone- and pregnancies need progesterone; it's SO low that even supplementing won't do anything at this point). Due to details I won't go into (you can thank me later :)) I didn't really expect that it would stay when I saw the plus sign on the test- I was surprised to see that it was there in the first place- but now that I know it's leaving, I'm not really sure how to feel.

Last time, it was a really different experience. We had been "trying" for several months, I just so deeply desired another child and was just devastated when we lost that pregnancy. This time, though I would have been thrilled to have another little one growing inside and want very much to see our family grow, I don't feel like the world is ending. I feel disappointed and a little wistful about what might have been. But mostly, I just wonder what is wrong with my body that it didn't work out- twice now. I wonder what I could have done to prevent that- should I have been watching more carefully so that I could have supplemented with progesterone earlier (as I did with all my previous pregnancies) and it might have been saved? What should I do next time the situation arises? How can I keep my sanity and the "open hands and open hearts but not 'trying'" philosophy rather than falling back into the "gotta have a baby now" thing that defined both of my previous attempts to conceive?

For tonight, I guess I'll just "be" here in this place with these emotions... and wake up in the morning and be thankful that I already know that "He is a light in the deepest shadow." That even though the physical events are very similar to what happened two years ago, the emotional impact is nowhere near the same and I'm not knocked to the floor unsure when or if I'll be able to get up again. Life is life, no matter how long it stays- and I guess I have four children now, somewhere. It kind of makes me smile to think of these two having each other. And I'll hug the two I have here on earth a bit tighter, and hope all the more that someday soon there will be the pitter patter of even more tiny little feet in our house.