Again.

I'll spare you all the long story because I don't really have time to write it right now, nor do I have anything especially eloquent to say about it.

I went to see the doctor today because my pain just hasn't been getting better (working a 10 hour day yesterday did not help!) and I woke up this morning almost as uncomfortable after sleeping all night as I had been after working all day. I had an ultrasound and another blood draw. The lab tests showed that my hCG is still elevated and climbing higher. Which of course means that whatever is in my body making the hormone is still there.

There are two options:

#1: the D&C I had last week didn't get all the tissue and there is still something in my uterus making hormones that needs to come out.

#2: I actually have an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound I had today showed a cyst on my ovary. It wasn't obvious what it was, but they can't rule out an ectopic.

So tonight I'm having another D&C; they will check very carefully for any tissue in my uterus, and if there is nothing there, they will give me methotrexate (a cancer drug that is also used to treat ectopic pregnancies without having surgery) and follow my quants very closely. We will have to cancel our vacation (which was planned to begin tomorrow) and stay close to home to watch to be sure my tube doesn't rupture. I will also have to stop nursing Nora immediately.

It's pretty obvious what outcome I would rather have. In either case, we are going to have to back-burner the idea of getting pregnant again anytime very soon. But at this point I think I will be satisfied if we can make it through this experience without damaging our long-term chances at successful conception and carrying of a pregnancy.

I feel like I've reached the end of my own rope. Finally, I have come to the end of my self-sufficiency and I recognize my desperate need to rely on Someone bigger than me. Please join me tonight in praying fervently for Him to show up, even though I don't deserve it. To protect me and the delicate balance that is the innermost place where life begins; to preserve for happier days to come a place where His creative work can result in new little Irvings to join our family. To give me peace regardless of the outcome, and to help Nora and I over the transition if we have to stop nursing more abruptly than either of us were planning. I'll be in touch when I can about how we're doing. Thanks, blog friends.

Long Day

Staffing issues at work necessitated my working over 10 hours today and it just about did me in. I'm feeling better now that I'm home and resting, but I think I'm still going to call it an early night.

I think it's funny (funny odd, not funny ha ha) how this whole experience has played out. It seems like there's always some other part of the story that unfolds. The first day I found out almost simultaneously that I was pregnant and that we'd most likely lost it, my first thought was honestly, "I can handle this." But then the numbers didn't do what they were supposed to do... and then I felt sick... and then I had some tough days physically and nothing resolved like it was supposed to. And I was really scared because I think that each of these little bumps along this road reminded me that I'm really not in control. I thought I could "handle" it by myself, but maybe God is using this opportunity to try to teach me (again) that I cannot handle it on my own. I was able to rationalize the idea of losing that pregnancy- but only IF I could have a reasonable certainty that I would be able to get pregnant again. But over and over these past couple weeks I feel like that "certainty," that "control" has been continually threatened.

This experience is bringing me to my knees in a totally different way than the last one did. But I am falling to my knees all the same because I am finding that I can no longer say that I'm "handling it." Far from being at peace for the past few weeks I have been a ball of anxiety and fear. Today has been no exception. The physical discomfort I've had for the past 24 hours has made it so painfully obvious that I have no control whatsoever over what is happening to my body, no guarantees of a happy outcome next time... and finally I think I'm moving beyond my pride and self-sufficiency to be able to cry out in humility that I cannot do this on my own.

Maybe that's a good place to be. But it's not a very comfortable one. Yet, here I am.

Still Here... Sorta.

Just wanted to tell y'all I'm still here! I tried to blog yesterday... but Blogger was down... now tonight I'm having a lot of pain as the situation we've had lately is (hopefully) having a final resolution and I just can't cope with blogging right now. I'm scared right now that something is happening in my body that will mean that we won't be able to get pregnant again. I guess there are some (somewhat rare) sequelae from the D&C that happen with inflammation that make it hard to get pregnant later. This whole thing has been SO much harder than I would ever have imagined it would be when we found out about it. I'm really struggling tonight. Prayers for sanity appreciated.

At the Park

We've been spending quite a bit of time at various parks lately (well not VERY lately since for the last week I've been sort of a zombie... but in general...) The kids are really enjoying the nicer weather.

Nora especially is very glad to be a Big Girl this summer. Climbing around and finding various forms of trouble is far superior to sitting/sleeping in a stroller like she was doing last year!

She very much likes being able to climb up onto the play equipment. She's not as big of a fan of getting down off it, though!

Carolyn too is enjoying lots of time to run and jump and play. This park near our house has a sort of obstacle course that she can do this year and she likes to stretch from one thing to the next to stay up off the ground. She's very proud of herself when she finishes.

And of course you can never go wrong with the swing.

Nora wonders when she will be big enough to try the Big Girl Swing.

We found a park with these fun monkey bars that Carolyn can climb. I guess I got the award for lousy mom this day because shortly after I took these pictures, she got her foot tangled in the bars and fell off! Thankfully, she was okay, just shaken up, but it was one of those moments that seem to unfold in slow motion; I tried so hard to get there in time, but I just couldn't stop her from falling. There are moments when I really wish I had "vampire" reflexes (and if this means nothing to you, you should read Twilight.) :)

The Saturday before we left for Memorial Day weekend, we took a family picnic at the park. Fresh watermelon, fried chicken nuggets, Cheetos, lemonade, and time together. It was great.

Love these girls.

Also love this camera. Takes really good pictures, even if the operator still doesn't know how to use half the features.

Sometimes Nora makes really weird faces in the swing.

She looks like she's not having fun, but I think she is. :)

Such a serious expression. I think she was tired of the camera. Imagine that.

Guess she likes climbing around better.

And there are the sisters making coordinating weird faces in their coordinating striped playdresses. :)

Feeling Better

Thanks for your kind words and wishes and prayers. Everything went really well yesterday. I was nervous about it (mostly that I wouldn't wake up afterwards), but by the time I got to the hospital for the procedure, I was feeling so AWFUL that if I had had any doubt whatsoever that it needed to be done, it was gone. They gave me really good drugs that made the whole experience like taking the best nap ever. It took awhile to really wake up so I was sort of there longer than I expected- and Brad had 2 patients ready to deliver at about the same time as I was ready to go home... but we thankfully have many friends and lots of support and Nora and I both got home and went to bed. :)

Today I have felt SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday. It's a night and day difference. I had more energy today than I've had in awhile and could eat without feeling sick. Obviously, I'd rather I still felt sick and had a baby growing inside me, but since I couldn't keep the baby, I'm glad I'm not feeling sick anymore. Makes it easier to just focus on all that I have to be thankful for. There's a lot of healing just in looking at and holding the two precious girls that we have to love. I sure hope that the journey to the advent of Number Three doesn't turn out to be very long and difficult- but however long it is, I hope that there will always be a part of me that is content and satisfied with the two we have. Though I know that there will also always be a part of me that longs for that next little face in the bathtub and at the dinner table. It's hard for me not to be in control, but I guess I must need some more practice... boo.

So anyway, now the d&c is done, and hopefully I can put that whole thing behind me, heal from it emotionally and physically, and move on. It's sort of funny, when we lost the other little one two years ago, I bought a Christmas tree ornament so we would always have something to remember it by, and all that we learned from the experience. I actually bought two ornaments, both very similar but not exactly the same. I've had several friends who've miscarried in the last couple years, and I've always intended to give that little angel ornament to someone, but somehow never got around to it until the "moment" seemed to have passed. Maybe it was meant to be on our tree, a reminder that our little family does now have another face we will not see until heaven, but part of us all the same.

Straddling Two Blog Posts

You may all think I'm C-R-A-Z-Y, but sometimes I feel like I'm watching my life unfold from the perspective of my blog. Things happen or the road curves or whatever and when I don't know the outcome of a situation, I sometimes find myself thinking about what blog post I'll write depending on how things turn out. Today was a day like that. Yesterday I had yet another blood draw and found out that my hCG is still climbing (perhaps explaining how HORRIBLE I have felt all week!) and that my doctor wants me to have a D&C. The procedure is scheduled for tomorrow at 5pm.

But I just could not get it out of my head that I needed to know FOR SURE that there wasn't anything in there the slightest bit viable. SOMETHING was raising those numbers and I just needed to know for my own peace of mind what that was. Thank goodness I have a husband in the "biz." He too wanted the closure of being SURE that we really needed the D&C. So tonight we sneaked over to the hospital (it wasn't nearly as fun as some of our other furtive trips to check on Nora and Carolyn at the very beginnings of their little lives...) to do a quick ultrasound.

I knew that there was about a 99.5% chance that we would see exactly what we saw- some evidence of a pregnancy that just never got off the ground. But I would be lying if I said I didn't somewhere in the depths of my soul hope and wish that I would be writing a different post tonight- a post about the miraculous. If I'm honest, I'll even admit that I wrote a little bit of that post in my head. Because I know in my heart that we serve a God who is bigger than the numbers- and just because human medicine said that there could be no chance of a viable pregnancy with the numbers I had doesn't mean that He still couldn't do a miracle.

This time, He didn't. I'm not really sure what to do with my feelings about this whole thing. I feel like it's all sort of sidelined me and taken me for such a ride that I don't even know WHAT I feel. I guess if I had to give it just one word it would be regret. I just regret and feel sad that I never got to know that little one. Disappointed that instead of eagerly (and somewhat anxiously no doubt) anticipating all the joys of a new pregnancy, I'm counting down the hours until I'm not allowed to eat anymore tonight because I have to have surgery tomorrow. I just feel bummed out and I regret what has happened. I know I couldn't have done anything to change the outcome... but I wish I could have. I would have loved and desired this baby very much and I wish it didn't have to end this way.

But at the same time, I do also feel thankful. There were several moments/days over the past couple weeks where I have felt very anxious that something would come from this (like an ectopic or a molar pregnancy) that would prevent us from having the option of more children. And it doesn't look as though that's what's happening. Everything we saw tonight points to exactly what the doctors have been saying all along. And that is reassuring. I wish that things could have turned out differently, but when all is said and done, I'm grateful to still be able to look to the future with hope.

So say a prayer for me tomorrow- that the procedure will go well and that there will be no lasting damage to our ability to conceive and carry more children. It's in our hearts to have a big family to love and enjoy, and we very much hope that this experience is just a blip on the screen, something we cannot understand the purpose of now but that God will use in a mighty way in our lives and in the lives of those we touch.

Open for Business

It's been a long day. Getting the new shop open took longer than expected, but it's done now! I'm pretty proud of the way it looks. :) I'll be adding new listings daily for awhile until I get everything in there, but it's a start.

My favorite thing about today is the picture I took of my Nora Bows. And it's my blog, so I'll post it here, too. :)