Brighter Days

It cannot be denied- spring is COMING. Winter, you CANNOT last forever! I've done enough Michigan winters to know that the freezing cold and snow will still try to have a few more last words, but days like yesterday give me hope that indeed one day soon I will remember why I actually LIKE living in Michigan!
Yesterday I took Carolyn to the park, while Ammy and Papa were home with Nora. Carolyn was SO HAPPY to breathe the fresh air and run free for the first time in months.
She's grown much more confident and coordinated since the last time we visited the park. She was really happy just playing on her own, going up and down, up and down on the equipment.
I put this here because I see this expression a lot. She is pointing at some dirt on the slide and asking me "You want to clean that up?" She is genuinely concerned; I think she thought the dirt was an insect of some kind. Carolyn doesn't care for creepy crawly things.
And this picture is here because it's adorable- and because it is sooo BRAD! This girl is starting to look just like her daddy (and, unfortunately for me, she acts just like ME!)

Days Like This

There are some wonderful days and times when I look at my sweet children and just marvel at their wonderfulness. I often write on my blog on those days. :) Then there are other days when I just want to run out of the house screaming and check myself into the loony bin. That was today. I'm not sure why; nothing really horrid happened today, but it just was an OFF day that finally crescendoed into a major meltdown by the time bedtime rolled around. It was totally a "why me?" day. Why do I have to do this all alone? (Brad's on call tonight and getting ready to leave for a conference tomorrow; thankfully as of tomorrow I will NOT be all alone because Ammy and Papa are coming to stay for the week! Yay!) Why don't I get to be the two-year-old sometimes? How come I have to listen to the Ratatouille sound track for the 3000th time? When's my lunchbreak? Why do all my clothes smell like sour milk? Why can't I clone myself so that I can feel like I'm able to meet the simultaneous needs of both of my precious children?

Sometimes it's really hard finding a balance point. I feel like I'm so often having to tell one of them NO, or "wait a minute." Anyone who's had a toddler and a new baby knows that it's the toddler who most often hears that. I feel guilty whenever I have to tell her no because the baby needs something- and I feel a heart-wrenching, visceral pain (sometimes accompanied by leakage, thus explaining the sour milk smell) whenever I tell the baby "not now" so that I can attend to the toddler! I want so badly to be able to be the best mom for both of them and I truly hate having to evaluate and choose who to be there for in moments when both of them want me.

Tonight I felt like the world's worst mother. My least favorite time of the whole day is Carolyn's bedtime. This is a shame because it used to be one of my most favorite times- before she started resisting it hard core. This time of day is far from the quiet, cuddly-snuggly time it once was. It's one of our biggest battles of the day now- and while it's really not much fun even when Brad's home, when I'm on my own it's almost unbearable. Unfortunately Carolyn's bedtime seems to coincide many nights with Nora's "fussy"/"feed me every hour Mommy" time. Tonight I HAD to get Carolyn to bed (after hours of her crying and whining at the slightest provocation I was SO READY to "punch out" of this part of the job for the night)- and so I had to read her stories while simultaneously attempting to jiggle the baby just right in order to soothe her but not allow the pacifier to fall on the ground where I had no hope of reaching it with two girls in my lap. The soothing didn't work very well because Nora was hungry, but I couldn't feed her properly until I had Carolyn down... you get the picture. Carolyn heard her stories over her sister's screams. I slowly felt my sanity going down the drain. Then came the inevitable whining over bedtime, the refusal to go the potty, followed by desperate cries to be allowed to go to the potty, the begging to "rock a minute" and the almost immediate rejection of any attempt I made to do so. Don't forget that the baby is still screaming. I wanted to just lie down on the ground and scream, too... and possibly break something.

But now the house is quiet. As always on days like this, I visited Carolyn and sat by her bed for a few minutes and watched her sleep. She's so beautiful and peaceful. It's hard to believe that this is the same child that made me want to run out of the house screaming just a couple hours ago. I look at her and wonder why I can't just remember how really little she really is and give her a break. I look at her and wonder how to teach her all the many things she deserves to learn from me: like how important it is to respect authority; how the world isn't really all about YOU; how to obey Mommy and Daddy; how to be kind to others; and most importantly, how to find Jesus. How do you teach your child the limits while making sure that they don't miss out on the message of how much you truly LOVE them? I wonder what message I sent to my child today. I don't think it's the one I really wanted her to hear. I wasn't as compassionate and caring toward her as I should have been; I wasn't as consistent with discipline when I needed to be because I just felt too TIRED to do anything about it; Instead I was haphazard about disciplining, doing it only when I felt so overwhelmed that SOMETHING had to be done. How confusing for her! No wonder she acts out when she's just searching for the security of the limits I need to be strong about setting for her. Poor Carolyn; Mommy isn't always as strong and secure as she ought to be for you! Sometimes she just breaks down inside, too.

Days like this are humbling, and sometimes a little humiliating. Thank goodness that God gives grace to the humble. And tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get a little sleep tonight.

Updates: LONG post!

It's been awhile since I really updated, so this one's a long one... but I think it catches me up!

CAROLYN:
Continues to grow up right before my very eyes. Especially now with a new baby in the house, she increasingly seems like such a BIG girl that I have to remind myself in moments when she still acts like such a baby that she really... still is in a lot of ways.

Having two children now keeps me even busier than I'd expected, but I'm glad to see that even the natural frustration that comes from being sleep-deprived and trying to figure out how to meet two very different sets of needs at the same time hasn't kept me from still enjoying the wonderfulness of both of them in their vastly different stages of development. I continue to be fascinated with how Carolyn is growing in comprehension and communication. Although it isn't as easy as it was before to get out and "do stuff," last week we did go and feed ducks for the first time (I know that hamburger buns are not very similar to ducks' natural diets but these ducks are clearly used to it... there are no signs around this lake that warn against feeding them).
Carolyn loved tossing them some snacks; they were so obviously overfed that the majority of the ducks were too lazy to even swim over, but Carolyn was thrilled all the same. One of my favorite childhood memories (well really many memories rolled into one recollection of the experiences as a whole) is feeding the ducks with my family at the park.
We are delighted to report that as of this week, Carolyn is using utensils at meals again! As we were approaching the Big Transition into sisterhood, we kind of let a few of the lesser battles go for a time and this was one of the ones we chose not to fight for awhile. Now the acute phase of the transition is over and it was time for Carolyn to start eating like a reasonably polite human being again. She fought it for a few meals, but is complying now... especially when eating with a spoon means she gets ice cream pie (thanks Nana!) :)
This weekend Carolyn overcame another major hurdle. She finally figured out that Nana's rocking horses don't bite. :) She has been deathly afraid of them since this Christmas when somehow she got the idea they were scary. Nana has been waiting long time to ride with Carolyn. :)
This afternoon I tried something with Carolyn that I wasn't sure she was ready for, but found that she was equal to the challenge. We're working on (finally) getting our birth announcements out and I had a whole bunch of envelopes ready to be stuffed, sealed, and mailed. Carolyn was actually a big help- and the job kept her busy for almost an hour! We got a system going- I stuffed the envelope, sent it to her, she peeled the back off the sticky part on the envelope seal, threw the trash away, sealed the envelope, and put the finished one in the box. I was really impressed because this seemed like a fairly complex, multi-step task for a 2 1/2 year old- especially remembering where to put the trash and where to put the finished product. She really did great and seemed to feel good about herself for being able to do it. Inspired by this success, I had her help me with the return address labels... she lacks the impulse control and fine motor skills to get just ONE sticker in the exact corner of the front, so if yours has a crooked return address label on the back of the envelope, you'll know why- we improvised. :)
And of course, as always, there's just nobody Cooler than Carolyn! :)

NORA:
Nora is a whole month (and two days!) old! This month sure has flown by- and I have just loved nearly every minute of watching her grow. I absolutely love having a little baby in the house again- maybe even more than I enjoyed having Carolyn as a little baby because I know how FAST it goes and I am determined to soak it in and really enjoy it this time, so I've worried less about schedules and sleep/eat/wake cycles and refused to feel guilty if sometimes Nora sleeps in my arms. I love the snuggles, the little clothes, the tiny fingers and toes, pretty much everything. She still sleeps a lot and we're often having to encourage her to stay awake more during the day; she is happiest sound asleep in someone's arms!

She sleeps about half the time for a five-hour stretch at night, which is as much as I'd expect at this age. She is eating and growing well... I took her to the nursing support group yesterday so I could find out how much she weighs and she was 8 pounds 7 ounces- a bit smaller than Carolyn was at a month (Carolyn was 9 pounds, 6 ounces), but still growing just fine; and it's totally okay with me for her to be little for longer! They grow so fast anyway...
While she's certainly growing stronger and is amazing in every way, Nora's not quite ready to sit up on her own yet... :)

Bathtime is starting to be more fun for her. She cries a little when we put her in the water, but seems to enjoy the feeling of the warm water. I still look at her and can't believe how much she looks like Carolyn! I'm posting two pictures of the girls at around the same age and you see if you can tell who's who! Vote in the poll on the side bar. :)
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:

Nora had her first bottle on Saturday. I am planning to go back to work one day a week, so we wanted to be sure she could/would do it, and it's nice for Daddy to get a chance to feed her every once in awhile. I don't like sharing the job- nursing is one of my very favorite parts of this little baby stage!
Although Carolyn and Nora certainly look similar, we're finding some subtle differences. When Carolyn was small, I thought she looked so much like my mom- Nora reminds me a lot more of Brad- especially in this outfit, which was his "going home from the hospital outfit." Somewhere I have a picture of Daddy in this outfit, but I've spent too long on this post already!
Nora really isn't a fussy baby, but evenings are both her most alert and most "touchy" time of the day. As long as the pipe is in place, she seems to do fine; but she lets us know if it falls out! I'm so glad they came out with these tiny little pipes for little babies- they look so cute and also stay in better than the bigger ones!

US:
We are truly enjoying the blessing of these two wonderful girls... there's nothing sweeter than moments like these. :)

Perfect

Today I took Nora for her ultrasound. I was nervous about it, but it went really well. Nora was the perfect little baby. She had to lay on her tummy with her little bottom in the air and be really still so the technician could get her pictures. We got her into position, I rubbed her head soothingly and she dropped right off to sleep and stayed asleep for the rest of our appointment.
She looked so beautiful curled up there under her blanket that I had to snap a few pictures myself. If any of you in the area ever have to take a little one for something like this, see if you can go to Metro for it; I was seriously impressed with how professional, kind, and comforting everyone I interacted with was. The best part for me was that the actual doctor radiologist came in at the end of the scan, looked at the pictures, scanned around a little bit, and was able to tell me right then and there that she is NORMAL! No tethered spinal cord, no need for massive scary surgery. Just a precious little baby and a mama who must have needed to learn (another) lesson in trust this week. Praise the Lord.

Out!

Today we went to see the peditrician. Nora is now 8 pounds, 3 ounces, and they measured her at 20 1/2 inches long. The doctor did want to have us check out the possibility that she may have what is called spina bifida occulta, because Brad has it, and Nora has a little patch of hair on her back that may indicate that she has it too. Apparently between 10 and 20% of the population has spina bifida occulta and most people would have no idea they have it unless they'd had an x-ray or MRI. Most of the time it causes no long-term problems but there is a small chance that she could have a tethered spinal cord as a result, which would require surgery. So we have to go tomorrow to get an x-ray and on Thursday to have an ultrasound to check it out.

All that is the "rational" response to the scenario at hand. I'll admit it. I freaked out today. I stewed. I threw myself into a mental tizzy. I googled things I shouldn't and have thought of nothing but worst-case scenarios all day. I "know" I shouldn't worry, but I have never been very good at turning it off. Consequently, I've made myself pretty miserable today over something I can't change and don't even have any reason to think will actually turn into something to worry about. By the time Brad came home, I was just an all-out mess. Thank the Lord for a patient and understanding husband! He didn't even comment on how the house was a disaster zone, I didn't take a shower today, our 2-year-old was running around nearly naked, and dinner wasn't even a twinkle in my eye. He took us out to dinner instead, and in escaping the house and spending time enjoying my family, I somehow found the lifeline I needed. I'm still scared about it; every mom wants her children to be born perfectly healthy with no problems, not even a small one like this could be. It is my natural bent to always see the worst-case scenario- not a particularly good trait, but there you have it. If you think of us over the next few days, pray for us, and me especially. I hate medical tests of any kind and I particularly hate the waiting period between having a test and finding out the results.

So it wasn't exactly planned, but we had our first family dinner out tonight. And of course I brought the camera for this momentous occasion.
Nora, of course, was a little angel and just stared around in her car seat while we ate dinner.
Even Carolyn was a model child tonight- if Brad didn't know better, he'd never believe me that she was a naughty little thing today until he got home!

I am thankful for the wonderful blessing of two precious girls and a husband I love more than ever now that he's a daddy too.

Little Lady in Red

One of my favorite things about having a little baby again is getting to dress her! I actually get excited when one of those digestive malfunctions occurs because then I get to pick out a new outfit. :) There are so many cute things to choose from- and it causes me real grief when she outgrows a size! :)
Yesterday I put her in this adorable red sweater and just thought she looked so cute I had to take about 20 pictures... :) She's also modeling my latest creative attempt: little bitty hair clips to fit in her fine, soft baby hair. I've seen these online but can't stomach paying $7 for them when I can make something similar for about a quarter! Mine aren't as great as the ones online but they do accomplish the goal of making her look like a girl without making her look just like Carolyn (who wore headbands with big bows every day as a baby).
And here's a snoozy picture... Nora is three weeks old now, and she still sleeps quite a bit, but is starting to settle into a more regular pattern now. Most of the day she "cycles" between eating, being awake for awhile, and falling asleep again. I try to "encourage" her to take a nap around the same time Carolyn does, to salvage my own sanity... so far she's been doing pretty well with it. At night she sleeps about 4 or 5 hours at a time. Other than some gassy, urpy problems after eating, she's a happy and comfortable baby. My mother says that children like this are how you get pregnant again really fast. :) [we have NO immediate plans for this just to clear up any question anyone may have- I am NOT crazy! :)]

Twins?

I knew from the first moment I saw her that Nora looks a lot like Carolyn- but as we've grown together these first three weeks, she's really started to look so much like just "herself" that I forget sometimes how really much she looks like Carolyn did as a newborn. And then I see comparison pictures like this that I stole from my mom's blog and I think they could pass for twins! Though there's something about the eyes that is different...
This is Nora
This is Carolyn. Wow! I remember seeing Carolyn as a tiny baby and thinking that I couldn't even imagine a way to improve on her perfection- and I just think the same thing about Nora.