Improvising

Tonight we went out for a much-needed family night. Seems like we've all been racing along this month without just taking as much time as we should to just spend time enjoying being together without feeling like we are in a hurry to get somewhere else. So we started out with great plans.

 Went to Logan's for dinner (aka the Peanut restaurant- an Irving family staple)... waited in the CROWDED waiting area for about 20 minutes- thanks to calling ahead- otherwise it would have been over an hour and we probably wouldn't have made it that long!

 As usual the kids ate mostly peanuts. Every time we eat there I wonder why I pay for kids' meals when all they want to eat is peanuts and rolls. Still, it's always a good time and a great place to go with kids because it's loud and casual and messy.

Then the grand plan was to go to this really fun gym place that has trampolines and a foam block pit and all kinds of fun stuff to do. They have open gym on Saturday nights from 7 to 9pm, so we headed over there after dinner and got there at about 7:30, only to find that they'd already reached their capacity for the night and we couldn't go inside. :(

Bummer! I don't think that anyone tells you when you are growing up that your parents are at least as disappointed as you are when something fun doesn't end up working out! Carolyn was really sad that we couldn't go inside and it just made me even more bummed that we couldn't. :( I hope we get to go another time because I think both girls would really enjoy it. So we had to hatch a new plan- and for some unknown reason, there are just very FEW options for indoor things to do with kids our kids' age and everything we could think of either required more planning, or was too far away, or closed on Saturday nights...

So we improvised.

We brought the girls home and broke out the fancy glasses from Grandma and made parfaits together (just like "Fancy Nancy") We never let the kids eat sugar this late at night so this was a real treat and almost made up for not getting to do the super cool thing they were going to get to.

 Both of the girls were very happy with their parfaits.

 Cheers!

 After parfaits we went downstairs and made Mii's on the Wii for Carolyn and Nora.

 Carolyn wanted to be sure Daddy got her nose right.

 Nora liked dancing on the couch and watching Daddy play the "game."

 He did a pretty good job.

Then Carolyn and Daddy played sword fighting and had a lovely time. It was the first time we'd tried to play the Wii all together and I think it went pretty well. Carolyn is old enough now to enjoy video games (heavens, I'm sure she would enjoy them a lot more if we'd let her!), so it was fun to play with her.

Living this little snapshot moment in our family tonight and trying to teach Carolyn in the process about "improvising" got me thinking about how this is so representative of life. So much of life is about what you do when the path you picked doesn't lead where you thought it did. It's not always bad- in fact, it's often the little turns and twists of the road that lead you to places you'd never have dreamed of going but when you get there you realize it's where you were meant to be all along. But disappointments are part of life- whether it's not getting to go to the jumping place on the night you wanted to go- or the bigger dreams in life that don't work out like you hoped they would. And being adaptable, and finding a way to be content and joyful even in the midst of disappointment- looking for the serendipitous things along the way that make life truly beautiful even if it doesn't look like you plan- that's part of healthy living. Maybe we taught that a little tonight. And maybe I needed to hear the message just as much as Carolyn did.

Pictures

I know, I know, I get about a D- for blogging this month. I just sort of fell off the wagon a couple months ago, and it's been so hard to get back on it! Today I realized that I haven't taken any pictures in quite some time... so I tried to remedy that. I don't want the girls to be another year older without having any pictures! Even though I have felt like some parts of our days are not worth photographing (example: all the crazed running around we do trying to get everyone's stuff together and shoes on when it's time to go someplace! Feels like we are ALWAYS running late to get somewhere!)- still I don't want to let life as we know it fly by without at least an attempt at documenting the moments. So here are a few ordinary ones from today.

 This is why we have trouble at bedtime... because Mommy doesn't stop the jumping on the bed because it's so cute she has to take pictures. :) I seriously do love to see my girls enjoying one another.

 Not a great picture since I was using the flash but you get the idea. She can get some air on a springy bed. She can't wait til warmer weather when she can go over to the neighbors' and use their trampoline (I think I can wait for that...)

 She loves cats right now. A veterinarian came to her preschool this week and she learned all about dogs and cats and told me at least five times about her "cat lick."  Apparently they brought a friendly cat to the demonstration. :)

Nora is such a little cute weasel... she likes to find trouble everywhere she is- you can see it in her eyes! Little mischief. But I couldn't love anyone more. My favorite thing about her right now is how much she likes to talk to Jesus- at meal times she always wants to say her own prayer which sounds something like: "Deezus... thank-you...food...'MEN!"

And finally for the last picture, my sister got to spend her birthday with the two weirdest people in her family. Especially that guy on the left! :) He's a crazy one, he is. :) 

Moments and Milestones

We've been swimming several times a week at the Y since we joined a few weeks ago. Carolyn has been taking swim lessons and it is so cute to see how much she has learned and grown in just a few weeks of practice! I'm so proud of her, and it's obvious she's proud of herself! She can now get herself all around the pool with a little floatie on her back that we're supposed to gradually decrease the size of until she can support herself in the water. Last summer she was relatively timid about the water, but now she LOVES to jump in from the side and "swim underwater" now that we got her some super cool red goggles to wear. :) I keep meaning to take a picture of her... but it's always so wet in the pool. :) 

Nora continues to surprise me with the massive explosion of verbal ability and just "getting it" as she's almost two already! Today she was dragging around the little green Gideon Bible that Carolyn got from church and bringing it to me to tell me that Jesus is in there- it's funny that she realizes that Jesus actually is in that Bible, even though there aren't any pictures in that particular one! I love that even from such a small age, she knows about Jesus, and loves him with all of her little two-year-old heart. Today during our "couch time" (Mommy and Daddy's time to share a few minutes about the day while the girls watch us feed our marriage in front of them)- Nora was sitting on her blanket, holding a baby doll, and "reading" to her out of the little Bible about Jesus. :) So sweet.

Milestones... sometimes I wish I didn't live with an OB/Gyn. Never do I wish for a life without BRAD as my husband... but there are times when I wish he did something else. Something that didn't have such ties to my emotions as his profession does. This week on Thursday he's giving a lecture about infertility and fertility and I happened to glance at some of his paperwork... if you know me at all, you can guess where those thoughts just went. Six months. It's been six months since we were given the clear sign to "try again" after our mishap last summer. Six months feels like a milestone- feels like a sentence, in a way, to being part of "that group" of people who have subpar fertility, who each time have an even smaller chance of successfully conceiving. And though I know there are many who've been through much greater trials in pursuit of the miracle that seems to come so easily to some... it's still longer than it has ever taken us before, and I think I have been acutely conscious of the time factor because I just had to turn 30. I should be so fully and overwhelmingly grateful to be the mother of two so wonderful and beautiful girls- and I am- I really am- but I still can't help sensing the missing pieces that feel like they should be part of our family, too- the dreams that I had for how life was "supposed" to look when I imagined many precious moments of holding a newborn baby in the wee hours of the morning and loving so deeply that your heart could break with the force of it. There is so much fear here. A lot of people get to decide one day that they are "done." What if I don't get that chance? What if I'm "done" when I have no emotional desire to be. What if the choice is made for me, for reasons I cannot fathom. 

I've been praying a lot about this lately. Dear friends have been praying for us, too. I had a very close friend tell me that this is the time to "climb the mountain" and stop walking all around it. To look it straight in the face and say, yes, I will walk this path that God has set before me. Walk it with head held high and face unswerving to the idols of fear and control. I don't know what comes beyond the mountain. It's funny about hiking (not that I do it much) that when you're climbing a mountainside, you really can't see much except what's right before you, and occasionally, what's behind you. Mostly you just keep plodding on... and the only reason I can think of to keep putting one aching foot in front of the other is that there is something worth arriving to at the pinnacle. I don't know whether I'm climbing a little backyard hill or a Himalayan peak. I don't know why this season has not turned out at all as I planned and hoped it would. But here I am. And I guess I'd better find some hiking boots... and maybe some Band Aids... because I have a feeling I'm going to fall... a lot. 

Snow, and the Plague

It was a very snowy, very COLD day and we haven't left the house all day. All I have to say is that our girls have a most wonderful  Daddy- he took Carolyn out in this to sled in the back yard. I don't think you could have paid me enough to do that! Wind chills below zero, snow coming down in droves... plus, I've been stricken with some sort of plague today and felt just rotten. Some sort of flu I think- hopefully a 24 hour thing so I'll be better tomorrow. For today, thank goodness Brad was home! I don't think I could have coped with the kids feeling the way I did today.

But somehow Carolyn managed to have a good time out there! Such sweet red cheekies when she came back inside! She definitely earned her hot chocolate today- and her Daddy did too! :)

Famous!

Today Brad was a featured speaker on a TV show! :) The girls were SO excited to see him on TV!! :) If you're interested in seeing the show, check out the link on his Facebook page. We're so proud of him. :)

Here's a funny story from today. Background: Nora LOVES Jesus. It's kind of funny- my mom gave us a bunch of Bible story books for Christmas and Nora loves all the ones that have Jesus in them- especially one called "Jesus Loves the Children." She loves to point Jesus out in any picture. Well, today while we were waiting for Brad to come on TV, there was an info-mercial for some DVD set with all of John F Kennedy's speeches- and when she saw JFK, she immediately started shrieking "Jesus! Jesus!" Not quite, dear...

Golden Moments

Some times in life are just shining golden moments. They don't last forever, but, as my mother says, you just savor them afterwards for their sweetness. The past couple days have been one of those moments for me. I went to my parents' house, just for an overnight, with BOTH of my sisters, my girls, and my precious nephew! It was a great road trip, great conversations, and a just wonderful time together. My mom knew that I was coming, but we surprised her when ALL three of her girls showed up at the same time! It was a glorious day- we had pancakes for breakfast, Pei Wei for lunch, Oreos for snacks while we laughed at old family pictures, and a fun trip to Somerset Mall for some shopping at stores we don't have in GR.

It's really interesting that all three of us sisters find ourselves in similar places, though for different reasons. We had a lot of talk about contentment, about finding peace and rest in God's plan, and about choosing joy even in the in-between seasons of desiring something that isn't yet granted. I feel so encouraged by my sisters and my mom, who are among the wisest women I know. I am so blessed by them all.

I turned my Etsy shop off for a day, and though that may not sound like much, I felt very freed by doing it, even just for 24 hours. I still worked on catching up with stuff, but overall I was much more relaxed and able to just release the responsibility for the business to enjoy being with my family. I'm going to try doing that just once a week on Sundays I think- just shut the whole thing down, less because of the people who might want to buy stuff, and more because having it shut down just frees me not to think about it for awhile. My Little Pixies is here to stay, I think- I don't really think it's going anywhere- so it needs to find its place in our life as a family in a way that works for everyone. So even if I give up some business by taking a day off once a week, I think I need to do it.

It's amazing what just a little break from ordinary life does. I feel much more relaxed, less stressed out, and joyful about being home again. Life is good. I may not have everything that I want... but we are abundantly blessed, and tonight I think I realize that more than usual.

Lessons...

I've never been great at taking other people's word for things. I always seem to have to discover things for my own self... you'd think now that I am so OLD that I would have learned all the lessons that my bumps and bruises and breakdowns have tried to teach me over and over and over... but the funny thing about most "life lessons" is that they really do seem to take a life time to learn. "Balance" is one of mine. I've never been good at it. It's my natural bent to throw myself into something with energy and force of will and concentration. It's something that makes me good at most things I really try (because I really never try anything I don't think I'll be good at... there you have it...)- but it does make it SO hard to find balance in life, and balance is of even greater importance once you have children who depend on you to set the balance in their own days!

I did a lousy job with balance this week. Ironically, not only am I wretched at balance, but I am also terrible at saying "NO." And, to cap it all, I'm also notoriously dreadful at accurately assessing what I "can" do in a certain amount of time- I always think I can get more done than I really can. Especially since my little business started to get busier I've had a lot of moments when I've taken on more than I could chew and ended up being really miserable. It was one such week this week. I said "yes" to my first wholesale order for a shop owner in New York. I was kinda geeked about my products being sold in a New York boutique store (though they won't have my label on them so it doesn't really make me cool)- and at the time, my volume was under control so I said I would give her a great deal so that she could make money. Then of course it all took about twice as long as I thought it would and when I went back after it was finally (hallelujah!) sent out on Friday, I realized that I had worked and sweated and given up a lot of things I probably shouldn't have (like, say, sanity)- to make about $6.50 per hour, not even including the cost of materials! It was cute- it was all cute- and I think/hope she'll like it- but I will NEVER do that again! This is about half of what I sent her...

I seriously thought I was drowning on Friday night because I had put all my time and energy into making her stuff and getting it out the door and meanwhile other stuff started to pile up. If people who used to work with me at the pharmacy are reading my blog, they will know exactly what I mean when I say that I am not good at "volume." I'm great individually, but I get pretty easily overwhelmed when things get busy and when I have expectations swirling all around me, I sometimes just lose it. It was a week like that this week. So many requests, so many things just flying everywhere, I couldn't seem to find my footing, and I just thought I was going to go under. But I did finish the order, and I think I am going to shut my shop down for a couple of days to get the pace under control. I'm going to Troy tomorrow to visit my mom and dad, just for 24 hours, and I think I'll just put the whole thing on hold while I'm gone. It'll give me a chance to catch up a bit, and heaven knows I could use a breather!

On the plus side, I have been going to the Y most days with the girls. We are still loving the new place to be and play. I jogged 3.5 miles yesterday in 45 minutes, which I thought was a substantial improvement from where I was even just a week ago. It feels good to be moving around more. Even though I'm sure I haven't lost an ounce, it hardly really seems to matter; it just feels good to exercise, and to have that ALONE time.

I feel a bit convicted about how I've just let my blog sag- it's always been one of my favorite things, and one of the ways I decompress. But I feel like I sit at the computer so much dealing with work stuff that I don't really feel like writing novels on my blog... even though there's so much going on that it would probably really help me to sort out my feelings to "talk" about it on the blog. The past six months or so- well, really since the "incident" in the summer... have been hard ones. Not without hope, not without grace, not without shining moments of beauty and joy- but overall, just hard. I don't understand why I keep asking God to give us another child, and month after month, the answer just seems to be "Not Now." But after the whirlwind of this week, in the tiny, quiet corner of my heart and mind that I rarely feel humbled enough to listen to... I realize that maybe he has not allowed another child in our family at this time, despite my repeated requests, because he knows, though I do not, that because he made me to be at my best individually, having three very young children all at the same time, would not enable me to enjoy any of them as he intends for me to enjoy them. It's hard to admit. It's hard to accept that I really don't have any control over this situation, and that if we are ever blessed with another child, it will be very clear that it is a gift from Him, and not as a result of anything we did. But that is the reality that has always been there. And we continue to pray, and I try to remain confident that his plans are for my good, and not my misery!

And I'll continue to blog... I'll try to step it up- because I miss it- and because I don't want to "miss" these days with my children. I want to be able to look back someday and see what they were like, to remember when they are grown, what our days were like when they were little!