Seeing beauty like this never fails to remind me that there is something out there so much bigger than we are- a Master Artist who loves us so much that He will paint beautiful masterpieces like this one just so we can enjoy and marvel at loveliness that is beyond the reach of any human talent. Five months ago, I wrote a post about trusting the Narrator. Looking back on it, I sort of want to laugh at my naivete. I wrote that day of what I wanted to believe. I wrote about trusting the Narrator- the one writing not only our own individual "stories," but also the grand and global story of redemption, and interweaving the billions of tiny stories into one masterpiece of grace. I wrote at the beginning of what has turned out to be a rather longer road than I'd have imagined at the time of what I thought I would learn by the end of it. I think somehow in my heart I hoped that I could bypass some of the pain by stating that I already knew what I figured God would want to teach me.
It didn't really work that way. Because you see, you can say words that are true, and the truth of the words is immutable- true whether anybody believes them or not. But it's totally possible to say words out loud- or even print them on a blog- and not really believe them. I didn't believe what I was writing that day. I knew it was true, but I didn't believe it. I'm not sure I really do, even now, but I think I understand a little better.
Over the past few months, the concept of trusting the Narrator has occurred to me many times, and I've looked back on that day I wrote that post as just "asking for it" in a way- because all the crazy stuff started going down just after I wrote it. I think that day I felt as though my shoulders were strong enough to deal with the simple miscarriage. I figured at the time that I would probably just get pregnant again quickly, like I did with Nora. Then when that didn't end up happening, and what did happen is something that may even impede our ability to conceive in the future (I ended up with a tubal pregnancy for those of you who haven't been reading my verbose posts for that long)... After that happened, I just sort of lost it, panicked, shut down, and got mad. I felt so ANGRY after all that happened. Several of my friends announced they were pregnant around this time, and all I could muster was polite congratulations while inside I fell apart with pain, wishing so badly I could have kept that baby and skipped all the hard stuff we went through instead. I didn't really write about it a whole lot because the words never really seemed to "want" to come, but it was a hard summer. A blessed and beautiful summer in so many ways, but down in the inside of my heart, it was hard.
Tonight I was talking with my sister, and came back to the idea of the Narrator. I think the really hard thing about trusting the Narrator is that you have to accept that all the "scenes" that come into your story are meant, in some way, to be there. Many times over the past few months I have wanted to get off this "road." I have tried to sit down and not move forward, not go into the future because I am so afraid of what might happen and so angry about what already did happen and wanting desperately to jump ship on my road and go join someone else's that looks like more fun- only to find my own road going ever on and on, pushing me forward whether I like it or not. I didn't get a choice about the scenes that the Narrator has allowed into my story. But I did have a choice about how I would handle it when I found myself in the midst of a part of the story I wouldn't have included.
And therein lies the difference between what happened to me two years ago, and what happened this summer. When I miscarried between Carolyn and Nora, I was totally devastated. I felt stripped to the bone with grief and sorrow and questions... but really not anger. I've never been sadder than I was when that happened, but looking back on it, I can see that I chose in those moments to shoulder my burden. I remember very consciously choosing to let that little baby make me better and not bitter. And God has honored that choice and redeemed that pain into a harvest greater than what I could have imagined at the time. He brought Nora into the world just weeks after that occurred, and enabled me (and Brad) to reach many others with hope who have found themselves in the same position. I have had the grace to see His redemption even in this world.
Fast forward two years to other warm summer days and a similar pain- but a very different response from me. I was stuck in a scene I wouldn't have chosen. The Narrator wove into my story a thread of pain that I would never have allowed if I had been writing the script. And instead of shouldering the burden, asking Him what He wanted me to learn from it, and leaning on Him to see me through... I gave in to anger and fear. I couldn't do anything about being cast into the scene, but I sat down and pouted and glowered and tried to run off the stage instead of standing tall in faith and delivering my lines. I'm sorry I've acted that way because I think I missed out on an incredible opportunity to stand for what I say I believe. To live out a faith that would make others want what I have. I had everything available to help me stand, but instead I chose to sit out. It didn't change the scene around me- I still had to go through each one of those tough days- but it did change my entire outlook on the situation.
But the wonderful thing about grace is that it can be applied at any time. It's taken months for my anger to fade, but it finally has. Although nothing has really changed in my circumstances and I'm still not pregnant, though I'd like more than anything to be, I think I have come to a point of acceptance of what has happened and I no longer feel as though my faith is shaken by it. If I'm really honest with myself, I still can't say I truly "trust the Narrator." It will probably take me the rest of my life to really work that one out. But maybe a lesson that He wanted to teach me through all this is what I need to do to be obedient. None of us really gets to choose the scenes that become part of our stories. But we all have the choice as to whether we will do a good job or a bad one at the role we're given in the seasons of our lives. I'm no longer foolish enough to say I fully trust the Narrator, but I think I can honestly say that I'm ready to deliver my lines as He's given them to me to speak.
And maybe the sunrise today is just a little bit of hope that He makes all things beautiful in His time.
1 comment:
Beautifully said EB!!! I am sooo proud of you! You are example to all who encounter you!
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