Last Weekend!

Pretty tired tonight... but I am now finished with my LAST WEEKEND of being a weekend worker. :) I'll blog more tomorrow. :) But I'm pretty excited about moving on to the next step- just 3 more weeks and then I'll be an official SAHM! :)

Nora Time

Today I started my day by making these. That made me happy because I love love love how the big button looks on my new "Madeline Bows." I'm not keeping up with the new blog as well as I should... but I'm still coming up with fun new stuff, and hopefully once the rest of my life is under better control I'll be able to get caught up with MLP (my little pixies, llc) :)

But anyway, today I dolled Nora up in a cute outfit and her new bows and once we took Carolyn to school, we went to the children's museum, just me and Nora. I love taking both girls, but sometimes it's just fun to have 1:1 time and it was nice to just be able to see the place from a toddler's point of view instead of trying to make everyone happy for once.

Nora has picked up a new word this week: BUH-BOO! She is very excited in these pictures because we were in the bubble area of the museum and I was blowing big bubbles for her.

She wanted her mouth to look just like mine. :)

Afterward we went outside and I let her hold my keys for a few minutes to take some pictures, hoping for one I could post on my site to entice persons unknown to fall in love with the new Madeline Bows (and MLP in general :)) This is a very "Nora" expression.

I liked this one, though I did edit out the little "mini-stache" she has going on above her lip from where her inattentive mother failed to supervise her carefully enough and she took a tumble down a couple of steps in our garage...

And that's it. Overall a good day. Tomorrow I go in for my LAST SATURDAY behind the counter for the foreseeable future. :) I'm not exactly sure when my last day will be, but this is definitely my LAST WEEKEND at work. Yay. :)

Brookfield Zoo

Monday we took the girls to the Brookfield Zoo by my sister's house in Chicago. It might have been a bit of a stretch for me physically that day, but they really had a good time.

Carolyn tried riding on one of the animals on the carousel for the first time since her disastrous experiences at the age of one. She was so excited to find one that didn't go up and down; a nice transition for her from the bench to hopefully one day experiencing the joy of the actually moving animals.

Nora doesn't really have a lot of irrational fears at this point. She enjoyed her up and down ride on the preying mantis with Daddy- pretty much just looked like this the whole time. :)

The elephants were one of the first animals we saw. Carolyn wanted to show us how the elephants move.

Nora liked looking at the animals and pointing to everything.

The minions get tired of pictures after awhile.

Here's Carolyn's first picture with her cousin, due to arrive in about 6 weeks! :)

The Brookfield Zoo has a very nice children's area (inside). Aunt Michelle painted the girls' faces.

Carolyn was a bit resistant to leaving the children's area. This is a post-massive-tantrum picture.

Mid-day ice cream snack was a hit for everyone.

Then we went together to the dolphin show. Might have been a little too late in the afternoon for the girls... this picture was taken by the people sitting in front of us... before Carolyn kicked the poor man in front of us several times during the show because she was utterly unable to sit still in the same spot for 15 minutes. She had to be carried out before the show was quite over because she immediately headed into another meltdown. She doesn't think she needs an afternoon nap anymore. We disagree.

Ended the day with another trip around the carousel and a quick visit to the gift shop (because I live vicariously through my children and I've never quite gotten over the delight of seeing a whole wall full of interesting "soft friends.") where we came out, not with the obnoxious pink unicorn on a leash that Carolyn initially wanted, but with an not-quite-as-obnoxious-but-still-not-realistic pink and purple dolphin, soon named "Dora." We did at least see a dolphin during our trip- even if it wasn't pink. Nora got a giraffe that I like more than she does. Oh well... we all still had fun. :) And it was cheaper to just buy the membership for the year, so I think we'll go again! :)

Peace That Passes Understanding

Today was another waiting day for me as I had to have another blood draw this morning (I thought it was supposed to be Thursday, but it turned out that today was actually the day I was supposed to go). Waiting for results is hard and scary for me, and I found myself thinking a lot about the Bible's promise of peace that passes understanding. We Christians glibly quote this verse often to people who are having a hard time, and though we mean well... when the lights go out and the world is dark and something you wanted very much never to happen to you has in fact happened... I think maybe it sometimes takes awhile to get to the point where you really even WANT peace that passes understanding.

I know it has been that way with me for the past couple weeks, and especially in the last week since the second d&c. The promise of peace was always there... but I don't think I wanted peace that passes understanding. I wanted the "peace" that comes when everything in life is floating along well and none of those bad things that we don't understand have happened. For peace to be "past understanding," it has to be present even in situations that in the natural state provoke anything but peace. This peace that is promised is something that only God could give because when we are in over our heads like that we aren't capable of lasting peace on our own. God knows that what we NEED is a peace that persists even when all around us is shaking and it's dark and we can't see the way out. And knowing our deepest needs, He has promised us what we might not want to even have to ask for- peace that passes understanding.

I was talking with one of my best friends today about how all the things we know to be true come into a real test when we're assaulted with an unpleasant, scary situation that is beyond our control. And at least for me this time, it's not that I didn't still "know" that God is good, sovereign, in control, and having a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future- it's just that with this new struggle in my life that those things had to penetrate new cracks to the deep places in my heart. Just like two years ago before the first miscarriage I would of course have agreed with all those statements, but it was only after walking through that valley of loss and feeling first-hand His hand on mine, walking next to me, crying with me for the life that never really even got a chance- and leading me into the new season of hope that came after the dawn- it was only after that experience that I knew it in THAT place of my heart that was broken and bleeding. This time has been a really different experience; I feel wounded and broken in a really different place inside, in some ways even deeper than that last time- and though you would think that after walking through that trial with Him that I'd be more prepared for this one- I really wasn't. It was like with the pain and brokenness that came the night I just fell apart inside and felt my dreams going up in smoke came a new crack in my heart that had to sear enough with anger and loss and grief to completely humble my proud heart and allow His presence to enter in deeper than ever before. I have struggled much more with anger this time. WHY did this happen to me? I really can't think of a good reason... but I am beginning to taste a shred of hope that just as He brought redemption to the situation two years ago, so He has a plan even for this in my life.

I think something shifted in my heart this week. Maybe it's situational; I am feeling better physically, so maybe it's just that I'm feeling more hopeful that things may actually work out okay in the end. But maybe I just crashed hard enough to finally look for the answers that have always been there, and been humbled enough to know that in my deepest soul I NEED peace that passes understanding- that is stable even when all around me is shaken- that continues no matter what the doctor's office said on the phone when I called for the results of my lab test.

Thankfully, today the results were good! My numbers have continued to go down, which is a good sign that things are resolving. I would have had to have another dose of methotrexate tomorrow if they hadn't hit a certain cut off point, but they went even lower than they had to go. There is hope that within a week or two I may be able to be done being on a first-name basis with the lab technicians at Metro Hospital. :) The pain from my cyst has been receding as well, and it's nice to just not be in constant pain.

I am sure that I'm not done with this one. I'm not done processing what has happened... and we're not even totally sure that everything is done "happening." There is still damage to be assessed, and though we are a few months away from the go-ahead to "open the door" again, there is still the longing for a new little one to hug and hold and rejoice in... Trying to get pregnant has historically been a very difficult emotional process for me, and we sure did get off to a banging start this time with this whole situation! There will probably be many more verbose blog posts (one reason I am thankful for this outlet that is MY blog where I can write what I want :))- but for tonight, I want to wrap up on a positive, peaceful note. I don't really think I'm "there" yet. I can't say that I have yet embraced the "peace that passes understanding," for to do that means to willingly give up what I cannot keep (the temporal peace of a life unfolding perfectly as planned) to gain that which I cannot lose (a faith that LIVES and breathes even in the tough spots)- but I am becoming wise enough to know that I need it.

A Good Day!

Today I felt significantly better than I've felt in over a week. I'm not sure why; maybe my outlook is just better, but I've felt a lot more energy and a lot less pain today, so that can't help but be a good thing. :) My mom and dad came out for the day and helped me catch up with house stuff and watched the girls for awhile so I could get some good work done in my studio (aka "secret lab.") since all this physical stuff happened at a really inconvenient time for the start of my new business. Thankfully I've had some really understanding customers and friends! Tomorrow I was able to get the day off work at the pharmacy so I have a few more days to recuperate before I work the weekend. AND, I just got the great news tonight that my new boss at work just passed her pharmacy boards so she'll be installed soon and then it'll be time for me to start the new phase of our family life! :) So, a good day. It was nice to have one. :)

The Story

Well, we're back at home again after a quick trip to Chicago. Braved the zoo today and tried really hard to take it easy... might have pushed it a bit too hard, so I'm ready for bed now, but I wanted to do a quick update. I realize I maybe haven't been as specific about how things are going as I could have been, and I want everyone to know exactly where we are with things so that you can be praying for us. There have been so very many nice messages and comments and gestures, it is very appreciated.

So this is the story as I understand it at this point. It seems to change a lot, but hopefully we are on the right track of treatment now and things will be resolving soon.

I had a positive pregnancy test back on May 20. Initially it looked like it would be a simple miscarriage because my hcg was very low and so was my progesterone. This was pretty similar to our first miscarriage back in May 08. But instead of continuing to decrease as it was supposed to, the hcg continued to go up. After two consecutively higher readings, my doctor decided to do a d&c, assuming that there must be some part of the pregnancy stuck in my uterus. After the d&c I immediately began to feel better and thought that everything must be resolving, then a few days afterwards, I went for a walk with my family and by the time I got home was having severe cramping and pains. This continued on and off for a couple more days, at which point I called the doctor and said I was going to the ER if they weren't able to squeeze me in that day. They saved me an ER copay and evaluated me in the office instead.

That was last Wednesday, June 10. Turns out my hcg continued to go up despite the first d&c, and an ultrasound showed a 9cm cyst on my right ovary. No one really knows what this cyst is, but we think that's why I've had so much pain for the past week or so. They're reluctant to go in and do anything about the cyst because in the process of exploring what it is or removing it, I'd run the risk of bleeding so much that they'd have to take my ovary or of having scarring in my tube, neither of which is desirable since we WANTED to be pregnant in the first place.

So last Wednesday I had a second d&c which again showed that no pregnancy tissue was removed, and the current assumption is that I have had an ectopic pregnancy this entire time. Thankfully, the numbers themselves, though they had been going up, never got so high as to indicate a pregnancy of much size (they could not see where it is on ultrasound), so the hope is that surgery will be unnecessary and also that the potential for recurrence is as low as it can be, provided that the medication they gave me will work. After the d&c I cried for about 2 hours in the hospital, partly because I was in pain, and partly because I was just grieving for what it means that I now have this ectopic pregnancy in my medical history (in my mind at least, I really fear for what this will do for our future potential for more children), and also because the chemotherapy medication I had to have to treat it necessitated that I stop breastfeeding Nora immediately. I had planned to stop soon, but I had not wanted to stop in that abrupt way and certainly not until this situation was resolved. Thankfully, in another spot of grace, the transition at least for Nora seems to have been smoother than it could have been. She still asks morning and night but doesn't seem too upset when I give her a cup instead. I've been reasonably comfortable, and I think that once all the rest of this mess is done and over with I will feel glad to have a bit more freedom, though I think in some way I'll always miss the closeness of that bond.

The second d&c has been much harder to recover from. I still don't feel great. I get tired really easily and am still having quite a bit of pain. The cyst is much on my mind because no one really knows what caused it and what it is. We are all hopeful that as the pregnancy hormones go away that it too will resolve, but it has to be "followed" and I HATE being "followed." I feel really scared that there's something really sinister in there. I've struggled a lot with anxiety over the past several weeks and especially since last Wednesday- I tend to vacillate between fearing being totally infertile for the rest of my life, and having the world's most unusual ovarian cancer at the age of 29 and not even living to see the children I do have grow up. My mind has been a really scary place to be lately and to be honest, I don't really feel like I've dealt with this in the best way. I've been pretty depressed for the past few days and every time I think about what's going on. Poor Brad, I tend to pommel him with questions and he is very patient with me, but I know it's hard for him when I'm having a hard time.

Today I was reading another woman's blog about some hard stuff that's going on in her life, and relating to some of the things she's saying about waiting for test results. It's a tough place to be, the not knowing. In some ways it's easier to deal with a known bad situation than it is to deal with an open-ended bad situation you don't know the extent of. I will be waiting for awhile, I think. My first hcg test on Sunday post-medication was encouraging, but it will be Thursday's test that decides if I have to have another dose of medication. And it may be weeks or months before we have any information about the cyst, short of an emergency situation necessitating surgery. It's really hard to wait and not know. Like I know there's been a tornado of sorts in my body but I have yet to assess the damage.

I feel sort of betrayed by everything that has happened to me in the past few weeks. This is NOT how I thought things would go. Ever since I got pregnant with Nora, I have felt very strongly that it is right for our family to be in an open-hands-open-home place with regard to more children. We chose not to use birth control after Nora was born, knowing children to be a huge blessing and just desiring a quiver full of them- in the timing God chooses to give them. I still feel that way. But I feel sort of betrayed by the fact that by keeping that door "open," we also kept the door open to heartache like this. I would have been thrilled to death with an unexpected pregnancy- but an unexpected ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage and scary cyst- that's NOT what I planned on, not even something that had entered into my thinking when I thought about the "open door" policy.

I know in the depths of my soul that God IS sovereign, that He IS faithful, that He DOES have a good plan for my life... but sometimes the circumstances seem so big and so scary and so awful and so sad that I have a hard time believing it in the place in my heart that hurts. I felt a lot of these things two years ago when that little baby was taken from my womb after barely having a chance to start. And maybe I just need Him to show me AGAIN, that even now, even with this burden that seems too great to bear, even with all the infinitely scary possibilities, that all those things are as true today as they have been from the dawn of creation. I need to know this more than just at the rock bottom when the world crashes down around me; I need to have a sense of His goodness and the buoy of His hope for my life or I'll just sink in sadness and fears and anger.

It's been a tough week, especially. I haven't felt this down in a very long time, haven't struggled this much with all the worst parts of me in years. I feel in a lot of ways like I'm blundering around in the dark, just waiting for someone to turn the lights on. In the beginning, when we first learned about this pregnancy but did not yet know about the extent of problems it would cause, I remember feeling just this superb sense of hope, of confidence that everything would turn out okay in the end... and somehow in the last couple weeks I feel like I've lost that sense and I'm just stumbling around in a cloud, just waiting for the lightning flash and the thunder clap.

But to be fair, even the darkness of the past week has not been without glimmers of light. I still don't have answers to my current situation, but there have been touches of grace in so many ways. And for now, that will have to be enough.

My Photobook

I use Shutterfly for my photo books and they allow me to post code to invite you to look at my book. I've tried Snapfish and haven't been nearly as happy with it. This book turned out really well, despite a few spelling mistakes I caught late and a couple mis-cropped pictures, and it only took about a month to pull together.

Click here to view this photo book larger