Yesterday we had our annual combined birthday celebration for our big kids. Rachel was still recovering from the flu, so she sadly couldn't be there. :( But the other kids had fun. I wish she'd have been able to be in this picture because it turned out really cute!
I liked the light and the look of the kids sitting on the bench, so I took this picture of my own two once Nora figured out how to walk up the little hill leading to the table. :)
And once she figured out how to walk up the hill, she discovered it is even more fun to walk DOWN the hill. :)
I'm working on a post right now in my head about all the stuff that has been going on for the past 6 weeks. I'm feeling overall a lot better, but still struggling with the whole thing on some level, and sometimes it gets a little overwhelming. I had another blood test yesterday and was really hoping to get a ZERO so I could post some sort of victorious wrap-up post. I got a 2.4, and while the medical people in my life see that as sort of the "same" as zero (my doctor said less than ten means no more blood tests), it just didn't feel that way to me since there must still be "something" there to make it anything at all. I was really expecting and hoping for some real closure to all of this so that maybe I can find a way to make some sense out of everything that has happened. I felt cheated, and so instead of blogging last night as I'd intended to about grace in the storm (from the retrospective perspective of someone who's put down the umbrella because the rain's stopped), I had a meltdown and cried on my couch.
Maybe I will come up with some way to tie the whole thing up with a little bow... or maybe I'm just gonna deal with this for awhile and it never will sort out in a way that makes sense to me. I wish I could just forget it all happened and throw it in a box in the attic and get on with my life as if nothing happened and look forward with hope to a few months from now when trying again can become part of the story. But somehow I don't think I'm going to get to do that. I think one way or another I'm going to just have to keep slogging through it all until one day I look around to find myself on the other side of it. And it's not going to be done until it's done. I hope that somehow I'm a better person when it's all behind me.
1 comment:
Lately I've come to think a good motto on my tombstone would be "Life: Nobody Gets Out Unscathed." Unfortunately, there are some things we don't just recover from, or the recovery takes a very long time. I've accepted that I'll never understand why God let Emma die when He did (I have a hard time with the concept of Him 'taking' her still, I see it more of Him not intervening for some reason.) It won't ever, ever make sense to me and won't be something that I can see as a good situation, even if I see some good things that came out of it. Therefore it will always be something I struggle with, sometimes more than others, but life goes on anyway, whether I'm ready for it or not. So my perspective has switched, kind of like you said, to one of making sure that as I struggle it, the struggle is making me a better person, not a bitter one, not a more selfish one, not a complaining one. I owe at least that much to Emma.
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