Updates

Because I frequently lurk on blogs myself and have a bizarre interest in the finer details of other people's lives- especially for some reason, people experiencing reproductive difficulties- and because this blog is more or less my "journal" (well, it's all the journal I ever keep), I thought it might be time for an update on how "Things" are going. Here is the basic synopsis.

We are in the middle of our first "controlled" cycle with the REI doctor (reproductive endocrinology/infertility specialist). We had an initial consultation with him, then he did some ultrasounds and lab work to get a sort of baseline picture of what is happening. He said that our two basic options (excluding IVF, which we are not really considering at this time- not because we think there's anything inherently wrong with it, but just because we don't have peace as a family about pursuing it at this point; maybe in a year or two, but not now) are to go ahead with a laparoscopy to look inside and see what type of damage led to and/or resulted from my ectopic in May 2010, or to try "multiple ovulation" for a few months to see if we can get lucky. We decided we'd rather give conservative treatment a try since at least that will give us more information to work with and a better sense of the necessity of the laparoscopy.

So this month I took Clomid- been there, done that before- don't love it- and the side effects seemed worse this time- I remember one Kindermusik class where I swear it was 900 degrees in that room! And it sure does make me grouchy... but got through that okay. Had 2 follicles of the right size- one on each side. I had an injection to time ovulation and then a followup scan today to check to see if I ovulated. So far everything looks good. So now we just get to wait- either for the inevitable- or for a miraculous intervention from God. At this point I would honestly be totally shocked if it worked- I've sort of stopped expecting it to- thought I'm still disappointed every time when it doesn't. This whole journey has lasted so long now that I don't even know what I'd do without it. I remember a friend who had successful IVF this year saying how weird it felt to be on the other side of the "fertility" fence- the infertility struggle (like a lot of other tough things in life) tends to be something that almost defines you for that season of life- I honestly can't even fathom not having this problem on the forefront of my mind. I think I have been healing in a sense that the pain of it is duller than it used to be- at least most of the time- but it's always sort of "there."

There are tough moments- lots of them. I long for the day when, one way or another, the "I'm so happy for you!" I say to friends seemingly every month as miracles are coming into being all around me- can be fully joyful and not tarnished with the shadow of grief that happy news for others exposes in me as I feel that twinge of brokenness sting my heart. It's not that I don't feel genuine joy- especially for the many friends we have who know this struggle all too well- I really am happy for the great gifts that God has given to my friends! I am even moving past a point of really even feeling jealous. I just feel broken. I'm really ready to not feel so broken anymore.

But though the road is a bit rocky and steep at times- there are unexpected blessings along the way. Just this week I was able to catch a glimpse of how God has been preparing our family for this season that none of us planned for. Even down to the way some of the insurance stuff has been shaking out, it's obvious that He cares for us and is in even this. One of my favorite surprises about this season is that I have found myself actually Liking the doctor we are seeing. We sort of "had" to see him because he is the only specialist in our area that our insurance would cover. The other "bigger" office in town where Brad rotated as a resident doesn't take our insurance, though they would have been our first choice. But I think that God knew that I needed this particular person in my life. I had heard some really weird things about him- he's not the kind of person who's super warm and fuzzy on the outside- in fact, if you don't read him right, he easily comes off as a total jerk. But somehow, I kind of like crusty, grouchy people when I can see that underneath the tough exterior there's a totally different person inside. I had a math teacher in high school who was like that- no one liked him at first because he was really gruff and not really easy to get to know. Maybe it's the challenge of making someone who doesn't like anybody like me- but I decided from the outset that I was going to like him and see past the exterior- and you know what, he turned out to be one of my favorite teachers in high school- not to mention the most superb math teacher I ever had. The doctor we're seeing is a lot like that.

But I can sense that underneath the surface, he's actually a really nice guy- maybe the weirdest person I've ever met- but I actually find him somewhat endearing- and I laugh every single time I see him because he's just such a character. His understanding of social niceties is a bit lacking- one time, he left the room without even saying goodbye- but he's really very funny. Today I asked him "How are you?" and he said "Same as usual- grumpy." And I told him about my math teacher and how he reminds me of him. And he grunted, and then said "well, I've been a lot grouchier since my lawsuit failed." And then I thought that he was talking about a real lawsuit- but he then elaborated- "I sued Sesame Street because they patterned Oscar the Grouch after me- and his trash can was modeled after my college dorm room." Maybe this joke isn't as funny if you've never met this doctor- but it has had me laughing all day every time I think about it. I am glad we are seeing this particular doctor- because ironically I think he's a good match for me. I tend to be a little anxious (ha!) and of course emotional about this. It's nice to have the person who's taken over responsibility for this part of my life be someone who can approach it from a totally unemotional point of view. He isn't mean about things, but he is very authoritative- and oddly enough that behavior makes me feel calmer because it makes him seem like he's got it all together and I don't have to worry about what's happening in my body because he will take care of that for me. For some reason that's why I like "man doctors" (my father in law is the best doctor I've ever known) because I think that they tend to do a good job of not following me down the emotional rabbit trail I'd lose myself on but decisively take control and help me calm down by showing me they can handle it so I don't have to. So, I'm thankful for the unexpected blessing of a doc that not only knows what he is doing and can do it competently- but one I actually like. :)

And that, I think, is enough of an update for tonight. :)