More Thoughts

Here are some thoughts for tonight.
1. I need to blog more. I think the reason I have such a block about it lately is twofold- one, I'm just out of the habit, and two- I have TOO much to say quickly. There are always all these thoughts floating around my head that really do deserve an outlet... but I rarely have time to sit down and let them out. I need to get back to being okay with mediocre.

2. Sisters are GREAT. I love Having a sister, Being a sister, and being the mother of two girls who Are sisters. I especially love watching Carolyn and Nora's sister relationship develop. Yesterday Nora had some small (but very grievous ;)) injury, and I was comforting her, and when Carolyn heard Nora crying, she came out of her room, very gently put her arms around her sister and said "it's okay, Nora. I love you." And then Nora, sniffing, said "I love you, too sisher..." melts my heart to see them love each other. :)

3. God uses pain to equip us for ministry. Relating back to #2, although I am sorry that my sister had to experience the struggle she did before my nephew came into the world, I am grateful that when I call her to tell her that things didn't work out (again) this time, she can say "I know. I understand." It's easier to feel as though someone shares your trouble when you know that they really do "know." I hope that some day I can use what this journey has meant to me to encourage others. Maybe that's part of the redemption. I certainly feel as though I could use a little bit of that right about now.

4. I'm glad that our family has started going through the Growing Kids God's Way class at our church again. It's been a couple years since the first time we took it,  and since we both feel as though this may be an area we may be equipped and called to serve some day as teachers, we decided this is the year for us to take the 20 week parenting course again. We're a couple weeks in and already I can tell that just re-energizing our focus on parenting and having the accountability of a class to attend has been helping.

5. Relating back to #4, we were talking this week about child-centered parenting- the most common philosophy of parenting in our society today, and one we believe is detrimental to family structure and healthy development because it undermines the sense of family as a community and emphasizes the importance and autonomy of the individual over the health of the family. Children do not "make" a family- they join and expand a family. I was thinking about this as it relates to the saga of our journey of the last 18 months. I never thought our family would be "complete" with just the 4 of us- I always wanted to have more children. But it really must be complete, as we are, for our family to be a healthy place for whoever-that-may-be to join (whether by natural birth or by adoption someday). Whoever that little person is that God has for us deserves a healthy and whole family to expand, rather than being born into a vacuum and having a hole to fill before his life ever even starts.

Sometimes I feel so tired of this journey because it has exposed so much of my own brokenness to me, and just about as soon as I start to feel like I'm healing, something happens to make me feel like that old wound just gashes right open again, exposing how broken I really am underneath the surface- how after months and months of this cycle of bitterness, repentance, anger, acceptance, joy, grief- I still haven't gotten the point. I'm still trying to fill a hole, rather than embracing wholeness in Christ and letting Him heal me from the inside, so that there is no longer any hole. Maybe I'm moving a little bit in the right direction... but sometimes it seems as though there is so far to go. But I guess the truth is, God doesn't give babies to those who deserve them (obviously...)- His gift of life, like the gift of grace in Christ, just isn't something you can track down to a formula that makes sense. You just have to trust Him. And I am trying, so I suppose that is something.

6. I need to go to bed! :) My new "work schedule" has me up at 5am most mornings so that I can have all my bows for that day wrapped up by 8am when the kids get up, leaving me more free for the rest of the day. :) So far it's working out well... but only when I get to bed on time!