My "Friend"

For quite some time I have been reading Amanda Jones' blog at http://babybangs.blogspot.com. Amanda's mom is Beth Moore, the Bible study teacher/writer that has impacted so many women for Christ. I'm not sure how I stumbled upon Amanda's blog, but I have related so much over the years to the things that she's said. In some ways, though I'm not nearly as cool as she is, I feel like we are leading parallel lives and one day when we are all in heaven it will be so fun to meet her.

Amanda and Curtis got married on exactly the same day that we did, June 15, 2002. Their son Jackson was born in January of the same year Carolyn was born, and Amanda was due 3 days after me with their second child- a daughter who was born a few days before Nora (I was wildly envious that she'd had her baby 10 days early while I was still pregnant on the day Annabeth was born!)

Anyway, Amanda wrote this post a couple days ago that I just read right now and it so resonated with me. Amanda, too, is getting ready to go out of town (in her case for a Compassion mission trip, which is of course a much more noble destination...) and leaving her family behind for a time. This is what she said- it made me laugh a little at how someone else could think so similarly to me!

I had a bit of a meltdown this morning over our Compassion trip. The anxiety was building in my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It wasn't about leaving or missing my kids. It wasn't about being in another country. It wasn't about what I'm going to pack or what I'm going to see or who I'm going to meet. It wasn't about what I'm going to say or who is going to sponsor a child. I have peace about these things. I was drowning in anxiety because I am leaving the three people dearest to me and I cannot control how safe they are while I'm gone. I know, I know. Whatever you are saying to me right now, I already know it. I'm just telling you what I know to be the true root of my anxiety. My greatest fear is that my whole family will be taken from me. I have been known to go to great lengths to prevent them from being in a vehicle without me. Of course, that can't always be avoided. When it happens, I always have to fight that wave that wants to crush me.

I totally resonate with what she says about a wave that wants to crush me when I think about my family being taken from me. And I too have been known to go to great lengths to prevent them from being in a vehicle without me- that is the thing I struggle most with about going out of town- I know it is unreasonable to expect the grandparents not to drive the kids places (we'd have to take them to the looney bin when we get home if they don't have a chance to get out!), and they are both wonderful, responsible people, safe drivers who love our kids as much as we do. But I still worry about something happening when I'm not there to... what? What could I really do anyway? Put my hand out in front of the oncoming car and say "stop, don't hit my car; my kids are in here?!" What good would that do anyway?

When it comes to life and death and the huge events of life we human beings are forced to be woefully conscious of our own fallibility, weakness, and true lack of control, despite the illusions some of us work  very hard to create and sustain! I do not "know" that something bad will not happen to my kids while I'm gone. But I think what I must stick my mind to remember is another thing Amanda said on her blog this morning:

This is the truth I have to speak to my heart: if something happens to my family and they all die, leaving me here alone, I have to know that it was God's will for them. It would not have been because I didn't do a good enough job worrying or trying to control their destiny. I am truly helpless to keep them safe, whether I am here or in Guatemala. And I have to surrender this to God... It's just not enough to say, "Oh Lord, I know you won't let ____ happen." ... Suffering surrounds us in some form at all times. I will be looking extreme poverty square in the face next week. As my mom says in So Long Insecurity, I have to think about how God would be faithful to me through the disaster. I have to take the thought full circle - beyond the imagined catastrophe and into the grace that He would provide. This is when I can recall the joy and hope of Christ...

Well, said, Amanda... now if I could only get my anxious heart to buy into this, and rest in it... we might all have a wonderful time- and maybe even grow a little in the process.