It's been a wonderful first week as a family of four. The hardest part of the week for me has been the resurgence of those same old anxious thoughts that have held me hostage to varying degrees most of my adult life. The combination of major life change, sleep deprivation, and crazy hormones are at least partly to blame, but I've had a hard time keeping my thoughts where they should be. I don't remember a whole lot from those first weeks with Carolyn because they have a way of blurring together... but one thing I remember very clearly was bringing this tiny baby home from the hospital and feeling in the depth of my soul a whole new vulnerability that had never been there before, the inevitable consequence of the great expansion of my heart to encompass the overwhelming love of becoming mom. And now that great expansion has happened again with another chunk of my heart now inhabiting another tiny, fragile little being. And I can't help but feel that same vulnerability and have that same heart-choking reaction whenever I think of anything happening to that infinitely precious little bundle.I'm sure I would have found something to worry about even if there hadn't been any sort of reason, but Nora's been pretty jaundiced this week and that's had me sitting up at night even more than the late-night feedings. Carolyn was jaundiced too, but in June we had the sun for sunbaths and not so much in February. We've had to have Nora's bilirubin level checked every day for the past few days, which is SO much fun for both of us!! Her level got up to 15 yesterday and we saw the pediatrician who said she was borderline for needing a bili blanket to help get her levels down but that she'd recommend that we just wait and watch... I trust my doctor and went with her advice but then stopped trusting her and second guessing the whole thing as soon as I walked out the door. My emotions got the better of me and I'm sorry to say I spent an anxious night worrying about my sweet little mustard baby. But after finally getting some sleep, I had a better outlook on the world this morning, and when we took her for her level today, we were happy to see that it had decreased to 13! The doctor said we don't even need to get another level- YAY- it should resolve on its own now. So that's the long, drawn-out, not even particularly well-written story of my Worry of the Week... :)
2 comments:
We had the same problem with Emma. We did do bililights at the hospital because hers was almost immediate due to an ABO incompatability. Hated all the blood pokes. But she too resolved a few days after getting home. But I understand and EB I can only tell you that it does not really get better as they get older. Just something new to grip your soul. You are a wonderful mother and God will give you the peace you need as you go through all the many changes and happenings as they grow. amazing feeling isn't it. Just my two cents. I so appreciated your wise words when Sam and BJ moved. So thought I would try to give some to you. My life saying is "There is joy in the Journey" enjoy it. don't let fear or anything grip you so that you can't enjoy this time. it goes by all to fast. I love reading your posts. Praying for you!
I hated going to the Dr. EVERY single day for a week! I know it was for her safety, but I was so overwhelmed and had to take along a broken husband who had just lost his job. Not fond memories of those days. So, I can relate with the emotions and worries!
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