Well, at least it started out that way. Baby Nora slept for a 5-hour stretch last night, then went right back to sleep again after feeding, so it was a (relatively) restful night, and I woke up feeling ready for the day. I went to my MOPS group this morning for the first time since Nora's been here and several people commented that I looked really "together" for having a less-than-three-week-old baby. I'll admit that I was patting myself a bit on the back for having both girls dressed and fed and even ON TIME! My sweet baby slept cozily through the entire session and even the toddler behaved pretty well in the nursery. Oh yes, but pride does indeed go before a fall... I wish those friendly ladies could have seen me a couple hours later in Meijer, when I looked ANYTHING BUT "together."
It was totally a rookie mistake. I've been around the block enough times with my toddler that I should KNOW BETTER than to take a trip to the grocery store around lunchtime. Baby Nora had slept so cozily through MOPS that she refused to wake up sufficiently to eat very well when it was "time" for her to eat... I knew at some point she would wake up and be ravenous... but STILL I decided to brave Meijer for the first time with both girls at 11:30am! STUPID STUPID STUPID! I've been dreading grocery shopping since Nora was born and have avoided it thus far... but now we were running out of diapers (again) and needed to stock up the cupboards and fridge so we could... EAT for the next week or so before I know I'll have to go AGAIN. So I went.
At first it was all right... Carolyn happily munched the trail mix I'd made for her (extra sweet to hopefully sweeten her up to the idea of riding in the cart through the store) and Nora snoozed (cozily) in her car seat and continued to look generally adorable. But it was somewhere about 75% through the shopping trip when the cart was packed to the gills around the car seat that things really started to come unglued. Carolyn tired of the trail mix and wanted to walk, but about five seconds after being released from the seat she wanted to stand in some precarious position on the cart and be pushed around for some extra thrills and adrenaline (Mommy wasn't in the mood to cater to her adventurous spirit; a trip to Meijer was bad enough; we didn't need a trip the ER as well). So back to the seat, then back out of the seat, and back in, and back out... you get the picture... about when I was starting to feel like the annoyance was going to cause a blood vessel somewhere in my body to burst, Nora woke up- and she WOKE UP.
She was absolutely hysterical in a way that only a hungry newborn can be. If I could have done it without getting kicked out of the store for indecent exposure (and possibly losing my job because I work there too) I would have fed her right there and then to stop that horrible, helpless cry that goes straight to my heart and activates some instinctual need to "fix it" that overrides every other brain function I have! Nora cried and cried and I began thinking about the quickest way to make an exit... I held her with one hand (since you can do that with a tiny baby) and pushed my overloaded cart with the other (and don't forget about my toddler who's amping up the WHINE about being stuck in the seat at this point)- and then ran in to some people who know me from work (not direct coworkers; they just saw me hugely pregnant)- and these people seemed to think that this moment with screaming newborn and whining toddler was the perfect time to strike up a conversation about how adorable said newborn is (I agree but like I said I was in physical pain by this point because of all the crying)- I'm sorry to say I was rather rude to them and continued to rush toward the checkout.
At checkout I ended up behind a very sweet lady with two girls and a cart even fuller than mine was. Something possessed me to let Carolyn loose at this point (bad idea)- so while we waited for the eternity it took for the other lady to check out, I was trying to get groceries on the belt with Nora still screaming in my arms and Carolyn being generally out of control and totally socially unacceptable... she kept trying to hug total strangers and attempted to steal an Eeyore sticker from another child... FINALLY, over a hundred dollars later (how DO I manage to spend that much EVERY TIME?!) I was finally done and ready to go but my stress hormones were totally THROUGH THE ROOF and I am pretty sure the people around me could see my hair starting to stand up straight. Something was about to blow...
And I totally lost it; we just all had a major meltdown right in the middle of the store. I had to physically force Carolyn to get back in the seatbelt and I'm sorry to say I wasn't as kind and gentle as I ought to have been. I was so angry and frustrated that I just didn't care in that moment whether there might have been a better way to encourage her to get in the cart (a bribe might have worked better). I did not hurt her but from the way she screamed in anger at being restrained it looked to all the world like I had grievously injured her! By the time I got to the car I expected CPS to meet me there!
My anger has always had the nature of a thunderstorm- loud and nasty for a moment but gone just as quickly... I always regret the things I say and do in the midst of a thunderstorm (and unfortunately I have found myself struggling with anger and irritation and being generally nasty a lot more since Nora came and my sleep took a major nosedive), but often those moments cause me to become more introspective and to consider how I can be better in the future. Today was a day I did NOT deserve a gold star for being a wonderful mom. But it was a day I could demonstrate to my daughter that mommies need grace sometimes, too. As I settled Carolyn down for her nap today, I took a moment to ask her how I'd made her feel and to tell her that I was sorry for being angry with her. I'm not sure how much she really understands at this age, but it is never wrong to apologize when you know you've behaved badly.
The great thing about grace is that by its very definition, it is something we don't deserve. And God must have known I'd need a little extra grace this afternoon because even after all that- ALL of us slept for 2 hours this afternoon AT THE SAME TIME! A miraculous event that has saved my sanity and enabled me to move on again, one step at a time. But next time I will let the cabinets go empty before I take two hungry children to Meijer again! Lesson learned there.
8 comments:
There's nothing like feeling like a miserable failure to remind us what grace is all about! It's truly amazing, isn't it? And while the incident may have surprised you, God was not at all surprised. He knows we are but dust, and still He extends His hand to us in pure grace. May we never forget!
EB- I'm sorry you had a terrible time but you sure made me laugh. It was like you were sitting in front of me telling your story in your animated and detailed manner. I feel like we just sat down and had coffee and I got to hear all about your crazy day. You get a "gold star" for making me smile at least:-)
This made me smile, as I have been in this situation a few times with my older girls. Oh, the dreaded Meijers trip, lol!!!!!! You are definately not alone, I am sure this has happened to many other moms too, but it feels so terrible at the time and those cries really, really get to you. I probably would have started crying in the checkout lane! I have cried at a few stores, lol! Afterwards you just have to laugh. I think it is so sweet and wonderful how you apologize to Carolyn, we do that too with our girls and I think they do get it, especially as they get older.It always make us feel better. I can't tell you how many times Mike and I haved had to say " I am sorry, I shouldn't have said that to you. I was having a bad day, but the way I acted was wrong and I love you so much and I will try not to act like that again, but sometimes we have bad days..." I really think it is good for the parents to say sorry too. We expect our kids to do it and I think it sets a good example when parents apologize for their behavior also.
I hate going to the grocery store even now! Kudos for attempting it already!
I'm so sorry it was so miserable for you. I sympathize with you, while giggling as I picture you scrambling through the store (probably not helpful, I know, but it's the truth!). Honestly I can actually feel my blood pressure rising too and my second is still quite a ways away...I hate shopping sometimes with just one! FYI...Chris refuses to...so I'm still stuck with it. Good luck and I can't wait to see you again on Monday.
You should check out this really cool cover up! It is called the Hooter Hide. They are very very cute and much nicer than blankets as you can look down at your baby but your baby and yourself are fully covered! You should check them out!
I had a perfectly similar thing happen to me when Amelia was 3 weeks old. I bee-lined it to the shoe section where miraculously no one was and nursed with a blanket. ahhhh....that was nervewracking! Especially when an old man came straight up to me to ask where something was...like I was a sales person!!!??? I still to this day don't think he even noticed the pair of legs coming out from under the blanket I was holding over my chest...heheheh
I know this was an incredibly frustrating experience for you, EB, but it totally made me laugh! One of my biggest fears about having 2 is exactly this- all those moments when I will have the all-too-public displays that indicate that I have NO idea what I'm doing! This post gives me more comfort than I could possibly express to you, since much of bloggerland consists of those perfect mothers whose children are always well behaved and life is just blissful. It always makes me feel less alone to know that I'm not the only one who's learning as she goes with this motherhood thing!
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