A Long Letter

***Because I feel like it would have helped me to read about someone else's struggles with feeling like a failure as a parent, I am posting this "post-mental-processing" letter I wrote to Carolyn about our difficult day together yesterday. I know there's a way not to post the entire thing at once, but I don't know how to do it, so feel free to read my long letter only if you want to, and skip it if you don't have time.***

January 3, 2009

Dear Carolyn,

Yesterday, we had a really tough day together. It may seem sort of strange to write your daughter one of these little love letters the day after feeling like the biggest fattest failure as a parent, but maybe it’s not. I so hope that someday you have the great joy and awesome challenge of having your own dear ones to raise, and undoubtedly there WILL be days like this when you wish so badly that you were better equipped for the job and that your own failures and shortcomings as a person didn’t become so painfully obvious when you’re dealing with those little ones you love more than anything in the world. Maybe it will help you in moments like I had yesterday to remember that your mama struggled just the same way.

I am told that one day we will look back on all these two (and a half) year-old antics and laugh, so I will tell you the story in case it one day seems funny. Increasingly (and totally normally), you are wanting to be your OWN person, make your OWN choices, do your OWN thing- and you seem to find it especially imperative to do your OWN thing when the thing I want you to do is the exact opposite! Any child development expert or experienced mom could have told me this would happen- but it’s been the downfall of me before many times- I just have to learn a lot of these lessons for myself. Several weeks ago, for some truly unknown reason, you decided that you would not sleep in your bed anymore. It suddenly became totally cool and absolutely necessary for you to sleep on the ground! I think at first you thought it was funny… and I kind of did too… but then when I realized you weren’t showing any signs of going back to your bed, I started really wishing you would! My dear, you just don’t sleep as well on the carpet as you do in the bed! And you are not the only one who has to deal with the consequences of not getting good sleep; it derails my day too because an overtired toddler is a grouchy toddler! So I tried to get you to stop sleeping on the ground and go back to your bed. And you just have stuck your little feet in the mud and refused to back down. I’ve even tried to bribe you with special treats and jelly beans without much success at all. It makes me feel angry because I don’t understand what it is about sleeping on the ground that is so important, and as the all-wise “adult” in the situation, I can totally see that ALL our lives would be better if you’d just start sleeping in the bed again, but I feel so powerless to change the situation! To add insult to injury, coinciding with this “sleep on the ground” thing has come a setback in potty training. You were beautifully trained during the day- had so much success for the past several months- and all of a sudden with all this has come a total refusal to poop in the potty! So not only am I 8 months pregnant and dealing with an overtired toddler, but now I have to deal with disgusting poopy panties every time you take a nap because you SAVE it for then! Oh yesterday, I was so frustrated!! You slept on the ground (of course) for your nap, then woke up an hour early (thus cutting my only free time for the day an hour short) with the biggest pile of poop I’ve ever seen just waiting for me in your pants!

I was so angry. I am sure that by the time I let you read this letter, you will know even more about my shortcomings than I do, but to be complete I will tell you that I’ve always been a bit of a thunderstorm- my temper flares so quickly and sometimes when I’m mad I say really awful things- but I’m quickly sorry and feel this insatiable desire to repair the relationship. As I’ve grown older, I’ve developed a better ability to control myself- or at least the things I SAY when I’m mad, but the pattern is still the same. I lost it with you yesterday. I made it very clear to you that I was upset and angry with you for what happened. You are such a sweet, sensitive soul… you came to me after it was all done and said “I love you Mommy” and gave me a kiss and said “I’m sorry I pooped in your pants.” (still working on the personal pronouns). I still felt badly for the rest of the day, because I never meant to shame you for something that you probably don’t really understand and have less control over than I think. I was angry and I hurt you, and I’m sorry.

There are so many things I wish I could say to you in ways that you would understand. After thinking about yesterday a lot, I believe I am starting to understand what’s motivating this behavior. Even before the “sleep on the ground” thing began, you had started to seem really insecure; you won’t let anyone else do anything for you; it’s like you’re afraid I’m going somewhere. I don’t know if it may be that I’m getting bigger and bigger and Baby Sister is going to be here so soon, but for whatever reason, I can sense that you’re afraid of losing me, so you’re holding on really tight. I’m that way, too. Whenever an important relationship I’ve had seems to feel threatened to me, for some reason, my natural inclination has always been to “prove” to myself that it’s not going anywhere; often I’ll say or do something that I know I shouldn’t do, and more than anything I just want to see that that other person loves and accepts me anyway, ESPECIALLY when I know I’m not at my best. I wonder if that is why you are being so adamant about sleeping on the ground despite (or perhaps because of) my best efforts to prevent you- maybe you just want to see that it doesn’t matter; that Mommy loves you anyway, no matter what. You are too small for the words to really make a difference to you, and maybe words fall short for all of us no matter how old we are- we need to see them acted out to believe them. But I do love you, Carolyn, more than anything, more than you will know until you hold your own sweet baby in your arms and feel the miracle begin as your heart expands in ways you never knew it could.

The older you get, the more I begin to see parts of myself in you. When you were small, all I saw was the Barton side of the family in your looks and your daddy’s personality. You truly do have some of my favorite things about him incorporated into your emotional makeup. I love how empathetic and compassionate you are; how quick you are to judge a situation and see how people are feeling. But now that you are 2 ½ and beginning to show us all a bigger picture of who you are, I am seeing more of HIM in your face, and more of ME in your behavior! Oh dear sweet one, I’m sorry to have passed on some of my less favorite traits in myself to you! I wish that you did not have to experience things so intensely- but that is SO ME! I have been like that my entire life- and it is a blessing and a curse. You experience the joys of life to a fuller extent, but also the hard things in life hit you harder because of your greater capacity to experience them.

Dear, sweet Carolyn, today I am going to go to the store and buy you a special Disney Princess sleeping bag and bring it home to you, and you can sleep on the ground for as long as it matters to you to do it. There will undoubtedly be times when I have to stand in your way and prevent you from doing something you really want to do because it is truly better for you not to do it. But this is not one of those times. What you need most from me is to feel love and acceptance in a “no matter what” way. And since you could not understand what I mean if I say that to you, I will find other ways to show you. Because I do love you, no matter what.

Love,

Mommy